It's one thing to count on retaining your composure if you run into your ex on the street. It's another to count on your friends' ability to think on their feet. You can't. That's why you should compose a letter to each of your close friends outlining the approved procedure for an unplanned interaction (which should be the only kind they have, if they're really your friends).

Here's mine:

Dear Friend of Anita's,

Should you have the unfortunate experience of encountering my ex-boyfriend, Mitchell, on the street, at the movies, at a party (wait, if you're there and he's there, where am I and why wasn't I invited?), you may be confused about the appropriate way to greet him. Let me tell you, to ease the burden of having to come up with something on your own.

First of all, the whole time you're talking to him, you have to remember, vividly and emotionally, what he put me through. You have to remember that I called you 14 times a day, in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning, at work and at home. That will help. You have to look at him and know, better than your own name, that he hurt someone you love. Don't touch him. Keep your hands to yourself. Physical violence doesn't solve anything. And besides, he'll just run away.

With all of this in mind, get the speech ready. The one I'm helping you to prepare. Say that you've actually been thinking about him recently, wondering how he could have made such a stupid mistake as letting me go, just when my career is taking off. Tell him that I'm in such demand, personally and professionally. Say that you really feel sorry for him--that it's one thing to go through a breakup and try to move on, but to leave someone and then have to realize every day that you've made some kind of irreparable, brutal error in judgment--God, that must be awful. Is he okay with that? Okay with the fact that his ex-girlfriend is basing her entire, flourishing career on publicly humiliating him? And that she has a following? And that everyone, even strangers, know what an asshole he is and how badly he dumped her? Her. Your most successful and talented friend.

Does he wake up in the middle of the night thinking that he sacrificed the one thing that gave his life any worth at all? The one who goes out on dates EVERY WEEKEND (and sometimes during the week, when her weekends get too full)? The one who has to turn down invitations to fabulous parties, because she's already committed to making appearances at other fabulous parties? The same parties as Ethan and Gwyneth? The one who loved him despite his many noticeable flaws? The one who can barely return phone calls, because her time is so full with productivity and the rewards that come with finding one's true calling and getting paid obscene amounts of money to keep doing the very thing that comes as easy to her as breathing? The one who, although she continues to write many exuberant and moving poems about her ex-boyfriend, has personally moved right the hell along in her life without looking back at those who she feels wasted her time? That one?

Then before he has a chance to tell you anything about himself and what he's doing or what he considers his accomplishments, say you gotta go and leave. Just walk away. Fast. Leave him dazed and regretful. More than he normally is.

Thanks for being a good friend.

Sincerely,
Anita Liberty