Okay. We talked a lot about a lot of important and interesting things, but I didn't have batteries in my tape recorder. You know why?
You're small-time.
Are you saying that I'm a loser because I didn't have batteries?
No. You're too cool for batteries.
Yeah, fuck that. Did you think I was actually going to use what you were saying anyway?
No. Anyway, anything I would have said would have been misquoted...
I would never misquote you. I mean, I might change what you said to make you sound more intelligent and funnier.
[LAUGHS]
So you were talking about having two jobs.
Right, your artist job and your business job. And they sort of antagonize one another. They do not mutually assist one another.
I think if you do it right, they do.
Only insofar as it gets you work. But when you're in one mind-set, it's very hard to be in the other. I so often find myself promoting my career and then realizing that I have to go and do the work. I do it, but sometimes I feel like my energy gets too dispersed. Because I'm sort of focusing too much on the business side of things.
On selling yourself?
Right.
But that's why you hire people to sell you. You still have to represent yourself, but...
People you hire do only a minor part of the job that has to be done.
That's why it's important to be, as you say, "good in the room."
[Laughs.] Yeah, I'm good in the room. Good in the bedroom.
Are you?
(Laughs)
Do you think that's true, Alessandro?
Do I think what is true?
That you're good in the bedroom.
Oh, God. I refuse to comment on these questions. 
You brought it up.
I was just teasing.
You can just be honest about it. I won't judge you.
That's what they all say: "off the record."
So, off the record, you're really good in bed.
[Laughs.]
Actually, I think that's what you want ON the record.
I'll tell you, honestly, I haven't gotten much of a go at that in the last few months.
You haven't seen much play?
Oh, God. Do you have to put it that way?
I think that at the very least, you should pursue some heavy-duty publicity so that you can get laid.
Well, see, that's the main thing. I came back from Chicago after starring in a studio film [John Hughes' REACHING THE ROCK] ,and I thought that women would see me on the street and just somehow know, even before the movie was released, that I had just starred in a movie. And they were all going to want to go out with me.
And?
I don't know why. But that didn't seem to happen.
Really? But maybe after they see you on the screen. Although it doesn't seem like it would be that appealing to walk down the street and have some 17-year-old girl be like, "Oh, my God, it's Alessandro Nivola. I'll have sex with you!"
[Laughs.] Oh, no.
Or maybe that does sound appealing to you.
No. I mean, here's the thing. When I'm in a business situation, I have an excuse to be sort of, um, brutally honest about my agenda. And I don't seem to have any trouble doing that. [Sneezes.] Um... [Sneezes again.]
Bless you.
When it comes to more personal situations, I just get cripplingly timid. For instance I had a crush on this French waitress at Picasso Café. Did I tell you this story already?
No.
Oh. Well, I went in there about four times a week for a month. I sat reading a book and writing in my journal. I don't know, I probably wrote complete 
bullshit because I was just thinking about what I could say to her. I was just sort of pretending to write.
So what happened?
I never even had a conversation with her. And then she finally went back to Paris.
[Laughs.] That's sad. Did you get any kind of signals? Did you flirt at all?
Not really. I tried to smile when she brought the check or whatever. But she never really smiled back.
That means nothing. She's French.
And then the funniest part was that I took my friend Toby Maguire with me to the café one day and explained the situation to him. So we sat together and sort of watched her for a while. For about an hour. Then all these friends of his, who were in ROMEO AND JULIET with Leonardo DiCaprio came in to meet us. Vincent Maresca and this guy, Gash. And they're, they're, let's just put it this way, they're uninhibited. So they come in there and sit down and after about two minutes, they see her and they're like, "Yo! You're pretty!" and shit. You know what I mean? She comes over and they're like, "Yo! What's your name?" and she's like, [French accent] "Julie. My name's Julie."
(Laughs)
And then they're like, "Shit! Julie! Damn! Will you marry me?" And in about five minutes, they'd proposed marriage. [Laughs.] And I had sat there for a month! Unable to talk!
Maybe that's because your feelings for her were genuine.
They were!
Yeah!
Right. So, that didn't help.
And then she left.
So my point is that there is one side of me that longs for the time when I won't even have to introduce myself.
Right.
Needing fame to be able to ask somebody out is really weak. And I admit it. I've gotta get over that. I just have to kind of deal.
Do you want a girlfriend?
Yeah. I'm not saying that I want to, you know, settle down and have kids with somebody right now or even whisper the word "marriage." But I just wouldn't mind seeing somebody right now, you know? And the people who I'm genuinely attracted to, I have a very hard time approaching, and the people who I'm only mildly attracted to, I always seem to be able to charm. That's why I'm going to be a spinster.
You can't. I think only women can be spinsters. You'll be an eternal bachelor.
Yeah. Eternal.
Unless you want to be a spinster.
[Laughs.]
You'd have to wear a dress. You'd have to go to the library a lot.
It's not that I don't want to have sex. I do. Like all the time now, basically. Or at least a lot of the time. But what I just don't want to face anymore is that awkwardness of opening up something with someone that you don't really have any intention of following through on.
It's never uncomplicated.
I have yet to find a situation where it was just that simple. If I could, I would do it. If there was someone who I was attracted to, but didn't want to have a relationship with, and knew there would never be any tension or weirdness between us, I would have sex with them like that [snaps fingers].
Sex is ultimately about the drive to procreate, so it's about a moment that is actually much bigger than any of us want to understand or deal with, you know? We're in denial about it. And then you have to think about the impulse that drives you to go get laid. Is it really about wanting to be desired? Is it about just getting off? Or not being alone?
Well, I think it's fun. You know, it's fun.
Right.
Under everything--no, not under everything--OVER everything, it's fun.
JAMES LECESNE walks by.
Hey! James! How's it going?
Sandro, do you know everyone?
Just about. Anyone who's anyone. Everyone who's anyone.
Is there anyone you're angry at?
Oh, my God, yes.
Really?
Oh, yes. Although success is wonderful, and it's wonderful to be an actor and to be given the opportunity to do your work and all that, the greatest thing about success is [deep voice] REVENGE.
I have to say that that drives my entire career.
It really does. There's a list of people that I could scrawl across the Vietnam War Memorial and I would still need room.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
People who treated me disrespectfully, who were not interested in having a conversation with me, who virtually ignored me because I wasn't in a position of power. And, um, I want to make them suffer.
JAMES LECESNE walks by again.
Hey, James. Come talk with us about success and revenge.
James Lecesne: [Laughs.]
James, do you have people you're angry at?
JL: Do I have people I'm angry at? I'm not sure
Come on!
JL: My parents.
Okay, but that doesn't count.
JL: They count!
My parents are the only people I'm not angry at, miraculously.
Really?
Yeah.
JL: Mm-hmm.
What's that about?
I used to be very angry with them.
And now you're totally over it?
I get angry at them, but I'm not constantly angry at them. I mean, I gave them such hell for about five years after they got divorced. To the point were I actually think we might be even. There's still the occasional annoyance, but my family has been very good to me.
Is the source of your anger Julie at Picasso Cafe?
No, not Julie. Myself, for being so timid.
James, Sandro had a crush on a French waitress and couldn't muster up the courage to speak to her.
Four times a week for a month.
For a month. Isn't that incredible?
JL: Sounds kind of sweet, actually.
Well, she went back to France.
JL: She was probably happy to make big tips.
Did you tip well?
Hell, yeah. It was my only way of implying how in love I was. [Laughs.] Here's all my money.
JL: But can I ask you a question? How did you know that you were in love with her?
I wasn't in love with her.
He thought she was cute.
I watched her for a long time, and I listened to her talk, and I listened to her conversations. I was a voyeur for a month.
JL: Hmmm.
"In love" might be a little...strong.
JL: Yeah.
I just thought she was fantastic. It's kind of rare that I get that impression of people very often.
JL: Hmmm.
Which is why I think I was unable to speak to her!
JL: Look, maybe you would have found out that she was different from who you thought she was going to be. She wasn't the one with green hair, was she?
No!
Was there a woman with green hair?
I don't remember that. I thought I knew everyone at Picasso.
So how did you guys meet?
JL: Alessandro came to the opening of my show, WORD OF MOUTH, just by coincidence, and afterwards someone put us together in a photograph and we were posed as best friends or something.
This guy was like, "You two, put your arms around each other."
And so you decided to make good on it.
JL: And we live in the same neighborhood, so we run into each other. All right, well, I'm gonna go now.
Can we hang out sometime? We can do your own little interview some time.
JL: Yeah. Okay, bye.
Bye.
JAMES LECESNE leaves.
I don't trust that James Lecesne.
[Laughs.]
He thinks he's such a hotty.
You're so cute.
I'm kidding, of course. I'm glad he's doing so well. There is this feeling that everyone's going to have his or her time, y'know?
But not everyone does.
No, not everyone does.
That's the hard part.
Not everyone does.
And, y'know, when your time does come, it may not last. Who knows? Who fucking knows? What time is it?
Three-thirty.
I have to go in 15 minutes.
Fine. Me, too. You know, the point is, Sandro, that as each of your goals is met, you create other goals.
Well, this is how I feel about it. All I wanted my whole life was to be a professional actor, which, to me, just meant getting paid once to do a play. So I did that.
Right.
Okay? And after I'd done that, I had this feeling like, okay, I can die now. I mean, that was all I ever wanted to do. So then I replaced that goal with the next one, which was to be on Broadway. Did that. And, then I said, I want to be in a movie. I want to star in a movie. And then I did that. And now I feel like I can die. Or think of the next thing.
What is the next thing? Star in a really good movie?
Yeah! [Laughs.]
No, a really, really good movie.
Yes! Yes!
If you were to die today, this interview would run immediately as "The Last Interview with Alessandro Nivola."
(Laughs)
That's really morbid.
I know. But the point is that I feel happy with what I've already accomplished. I've already fulfilled a lot of my life's dreams.
That's amazing. And you're 24? 23? 22? 19?
24. And available.
Well, not for long, I'm sure.
I want to be available to the people who I want to be available to me.
That's actually a pretty good goal. I think you're a pretty good person.
You do?
Yeah. Don't get weird when you get famous, okay?
What does "get weird" mean?
Like if I see you at a party and you're like, "Right, right. Hi. Right. How are you?"
"Hey. You're... You're...?"
"Didn't I know you once?"
"Wait, what's your name again?" Of course not.
But by then, I'll have my own television show and you'll be seriously trying to kiss my ass.
And my movies will all have come out.
Come and gone.
Right. And I won't even be able to get arrested, and you'll be like, "Do you want to do a day on my show?"
Yeah, we could give you a day. But just one.
[Laughs.]
What do you think is going to be the best thing about fame?
Revenge.
[Laughs.]
When I say revenge, what I mean is having people treat you respectfully. Treat you the way that they should always have treated you.
Do you think that you treat people respectfully regardless of their level of recognizability?
Yeah, I do.
I think you do, too. Okay. We're done. Let me just think of another excuse to spend the day together, because this was fun.
Okay.
