"So, what have you got for me?" Birdman said into the 'phone. "No, that's too fatal... too messy... too UVR1... yeah. Yeah, that'll about do it. How fast... right. Got it."
"What was that all about?" Wanderer asked. Birdman hung up. "They're replacing the 'ropes' for me." He twitched. "Remind me to sue the Garcias."
"Right." A moment passed. "Incidentally, who're 'they'?"
"Dwarves." Birdman made a face. "I hate calling long-distance to Ravenloft."
Down at ringside, a small army of short, gray-skinned men raced towards the sides of the ring with cans of paint in their hands. In minutes, they surrounded the ring with an intricate brushwork of red runes and swirls. As they scurried away, a slightly taller dwarf wearing a robe raised a staff, cried some words in a guttural language, and followed them out of the RumbleDome.
In the ring, Ken Masters ignored Captain America's repeated questions, grabbed Ryo Sakazaki, rolled backwards, and kicked Ryo into the air. He didn't get anywhere near the altitude he needed to eliminate Ryo, but Ken didn't think he needed to; the "ropes" were out of operation.
Ryo, instead of falling off the edge of the ring, hit something in mid-air with a sound like the crash of cymbals. The "something" in question rippled, like water hit by rain, and slowly quieted. Ryo flopped back onto the mat, rolled to his feet, and let Ken have a Ranbuken in return.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the dwarves who just constructed that forcefield also built the battlefields for the Iron & Blood competition. If you ever need a wrestling ring, and don't mind a little magic, they're the people to call," Birdman said.
"Do they have names?" "No, they don't. It does, admittedly, make calling them complicated."
"Oh." Wanderer decided to shut up and make some announcements.
The Ring
"SHUMA-GORATH!" (MSH)
I will devour all who stand before me, Shuma-Gorath said telepathically. Its voice crawled through the minds of all nearby, like a swarm of psychic flies. All will find their end within me.
Instead of preceding to the ring, however, it drew to the side and stood next to the door, its tentacles folded.
"BENIMARU NIKKAIDO!" (KOF96)
Benimaru poked his head into the 'Dome and looked around anxiously. Shuma-Gorath tapped a tentacle against the ground in irritation. Enter the ring, or do not. In either case, leave my presence, or face your extinction.
"Um... look, I really don't feel any need to be devoured, as such, before I even get to the ring..."
Shuma-Gorath will attend to you in time, mortal. I have other concerns than you. Proceed.
"This is such a silly, silly place," Benimaru said to himself. He took off for the ring.
"Wow, Birdman, I haven't seen Benimaru run like that since the Lilith Fair was in Japan!"
Birdman reached over and flipped off Wanderer's mike. "Look, man, he says he's straight."
"He can say whatever he damn well pleases. He's got a classic case of closet syndrome, if you ask me." Wanderer put another CD into the player. "Ladies and gentlemen, from the mixed-up files of Basil E. Shiranui, another feel-good classic from Stabbing Westward, to introduce..."
"CHANG KOEHAN!" (KOF96)
o/~ Everything I touch I break (I wanna break you) / Everything I touch I break (I can break you) /Everything I touch I break (I wanna break you down...) o/~
Chang burped and ambled towards the ring. He didn't notice, but Shuma-Gorath followed him to ringside. When Chang jumped over the new ropes...
"Hey, what's the deal, eel-face?!" Koehan demanded, pulling himself to his feet.
I will devour all, mortal: your world, your dimension, your race entire, Shuma purred telepathically, but there is no reason why I cannot start with the choicer morsels...
Anyone else might've started running right then. Chang Koehan, however, was a highly trained professional glutton. The thought of just how big a meal Shuma-Gorath would make, if fried on a skewer, crossed his mind.
Chang licked his lips, hefted his iron ball, and rushed Shuma-Gorath.
Hallway, RumbleDome Hotel
"Get the HELL out of my way!"
Ryuji Yamazaki shoved a cleaning woman to the floor, grabbed her cart, and flung it behind him, trying to put it between himself and King. King wasn't even slightly impeded; she hurdled the cart, bounced off the cleaning woman, yelled "Sorry!" over her shoulder, and kept running.
"Where the hell do you think you're gonna go, Yamazaki?" King shouted.
Ryuji didn't reply. Instead, he stopped suddenly, waited a couple of seconds, and threw a door open just as King got within three steps of him. He ducked through it at the same time King ran into it, letting King's impact shut the door. By the time King had rolled to her feet and reopened the door, Ryuji was already three floors below her.
"I'm gonna make you swallow that knife, Yamazaki," King muttered. She chased him, taking the stairs four at a time.
Room 872, RumbleDome Hotel
"This is boring," Lion said. "Yup," Alex said. "Aye," Torgo chimed in. "Well, what are we supposed to do, then?" Rimururu demanded. "He could be anywhere!" "Maybe he's in the bar by the eliminated seating?" Lion offered. "Why didn't ye mention that before, lad?" Torgo growled. "Well, this seemed like such a good idea at the time..." "Humans." "Oh, all right, then. Lion and I will go down to the bar. Alex, you and Torgo stay here in case Jeffry comes back to his room, okay?"
"If we have to leave, how do we get back in?"
"Konril?" Rimururu's pet ice cube jumped up and spat a piece of ice shaped like a keycard onto the bed. Lion picked it up and hurriedly put it in the freezer. "Okay, then. Alex, do you mind?"
"Nope."
"D'ye ever talk more than that, lad?" Torgo said.
"Nope."
"Aye, then. This'll be a fascinatin' couple o' hours..."
Rimururu and Lion let themselves out and walked down the hall, towards the elevators. They hadn't gotten seven steps before Rimururu stopped Lion and drew her knife.
"What are you...?" Lion started. "Shh..." Rimururu said. "See that door?" When she pointed at it, Lion did. The door hung open, which wasn't odd, but the knob and lock were in a puddle on the floor.
"That's Hanzo's room," Rimururu whispered. "I probably should check this out." "Why? I thought you and he tried to kill each other all the time." "That doesn't mean I don't like him. Try to be quiet." Shaking his head, Lion fell into step behind Rimururu.
Room 590, RumbleDome Hotel
Iori was on his third room and fifth cigarette. He walked in, took a look around, ignored the pseudo-Japanese architecture, and noted that Vice sat in a chair next to the bed.
"Fancy meeting you here," he said, tapping ash onto the carpet. "How many rooms have you been to?"
"Three. Dhalsim's wife was home. It slowed me down a bit." Vice held up a keycard. "You're acting like a fool, Yagami."
"I love it when you talk to me like that, Vice." Iori started rummaging through the closet. Vice sighed. "Yagami, why are you doing this? Who's this Amakusa?" "He's a retainer of mine." Iori opened a sack to find a dozen shurikens and two needles, each wrapped in cotton. He selected a shuriken and pocketed it. "He's doing a ritual for me." "Mm-hm. So, then, why are you doing whatever he says?" Iori froze. "Just say what you're thinking, Vice." "Well, it's like this." She lit a cigarette of her own. "You're stealing useless things from dangerous people at a bad time for a vague 'ritual' to be performed by insane wizards for some reason that you're keeping secret. That's bad enough right there, but now you expect Mature and I to help you, and you're apparently going out of your way to make sure you get caught." She pointed her cigarette at the door. "Were they selling idiot pills in the marketplace, and did you buy a lifetime supply?"
The next thing she saw was Iori's hand on her throat. He pulled her roughly to her feet. "Do not question me, Vice, and do not think you know what is going on. I want it done. That is all you need to know."
Vice kept her expression as neutral as she could. "What's he got on you, Yagami? Is he blackmailing you somehow?"
Iori grinned. "In a way. But I don't mind." He used his hold on her neck to bring her face to his, and he gave her a kiss. Then he let her drop back into the chair. "Get back to work, Vice." He strode out of the room.
Vice rubbed at her neck and stood back up. She left five minutes later, after making sure that no trace of her presence remained in the room.
Room 592, RumbleDome Hotel
After they left, Lion and Rimururu peered out of the room they'd commandeered. The person who the room belonged to--Cy-5--stood behind them, and would continue to stand in the same place until he thawed out.
"So," Lion said, "Iori Yagami is stealing things. So what?" "I wouldn't care ordinarily, but he's doing it for Amakusa," Rimururu said. She clenched her knife with a hand that had gone white-knuckled. "I want to know why." "Somehow, I thought you would." Lion sighed. Rimururu followed Iori. Lion, against his better judgement, followed her.
The Ring
"ANNIE HAMILTON!" (PI)
Annie walked cautiously into the RumbleDome, accompanied by dead silence.
"Annie Hamilton, ladies and gentlemen, another one of our mystery fighters for the evening!" Birdman announced.
A pin dropped in the nosebleed seats. It was clearly heard at ringside.
Finally, someone in the upper deck screamed, "WHO IN THE HELL IS ANNIE HAMILTON?!"
"From Power Instinct?" Birdman replied. "Older node?"
The audience remained silent, save for the occasional murmur of "Oh, yeah, her!"
"Oh, come on!"
"Sorry, Birdman," Wanderer said. "I don't know who she is either."
Annie sighed and jumped into the ring. At least she was working again. "Q-BEE!" (DS3)
"Flight of the Bumblebee" welcomed Q-Bee to the RumbleDome. She flew in to applause that, after Annie Hamilton's lack of fanfare, sounded like a standing ovation. Q-Bee didn't notice.
"'I'll be there when you get in,'" she muttered to herself in a rough approximation of Jedah's voice. "'Juzzzt try to keep up when you do. We'll sszzzlaughter thezzze mortalzzz.'" She snorted. "Yeah, right. Bazzztard."
"STORM!" (XM)
To mixed boos and cheers, Storm rode the winds into the ring. As she tossed a Typhoon at Shuma-Gorath, she noted that Rogue was trying to get her attention, and flew over to her.
"AKIRA YUKI!" (VF3)
As Akira hopped into the ring, Ken dodged a Kohken, looked at him and said, "That tears it. I'll get to you in a minute, clone-boy."
"Huh?" Akira paused to clock Benimaru with a rushing elbow. "What are you talking about?"
"If you have to ask, you'll never know," Ken muttered.
Ready Room, RumbleDome Hotel
"Hello there," Vincent Valentine said. "There's no fighting allowed, so stop that right now."
He held the Death Penalty in one hand, aimed in the general area of the two swordsmen's heads. Behind him, three Virtua On mechs--Temjin, Raiden, and Belgdor--leveled their own weapons at them.
Neither Haohmaru or Genjuro seemed to notice.
"--AND IF I AM FORCED TO REMIND YOU AGAIN THAT YOU ARE NOT ANYWHERE *NEAR A LEGEND, THEN I MAY VERY WELL BEGIN TO LOSE MY TEMPER, AND WHEN I LOSE MY LEGENDARY TEMPER, WHICH TAKES A LEGENDARILY LONG TIME (LEGENDS ONLY INFREQUENTLY GET ANGRY, SINCE VERY LITTLE FRUSTRATES THEM, AND AS I AM A LEGEND, SUCH APPLIES TO ME, OR RATHER I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU), I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO ADD IMMEASURABLY TO THE MANY LEGENDARY TALES TOLD ABOUT ME, SUCH AS WHEN I GOT SLIGHTLY UPSET WHILE FIGHTING THE MODESTLY LEGENDARY GALFORD AND CREATED WHAT THE AMERICANS CALL THE 'GRAND CANYON'--"
"--and then I shall embark upon a tour of the world so that I may go to all the losers who use magic like Amakusa and Nicotine and that complete loser slut Nakoruru and learn about magic from them and then I will carve them into small pieces because it will have made me sick to be around them for that long and then I will go back to Japan where I will have left the long bamboo pole that I impaled your lifeless corpse on and I will use dark necromantic rituals to bring your loser self back to life so that I can kill you again and again and make killing you my life's work--"
Vincent considered this for a moment. He turned around and inspected the mechs, just to make sure none of them had something subtly nonthreatening about them that he wasn't aware of. Finally, he pondered the situation, lifted his gun and took a bead on Haohmaru's kneecap, but a thought occurred to him before he pulled the trigger.
He pulled out his radio, noted the volume at which Haohmaru spoke, and walked to the other side of the hotel before calling in. "Mr. Sher?"
"What? I'm playing Quake."
"Two men by the names of 'Haohmaru' and 'Genjuro' are battling each other on the seventeenth floor, and are ignoring me. I am about to shoot them both. Will this cause a problem?"
"..."
Vincent cleared his throat. "I repeat, will this cause a problem?"
"...yes, it will. Please try your best to get them to the ready room instead, if you don't mind. We'll let them settle this in the ring."
"Understood." Vincent put his radio away, pulled his gun out, and walked back to the site of the duel.
"--HOWEVER, A LEGEND MUST CHOOSE HIS BATTLES CAREFULLY, AND, USING MY LEGENDARY DISCRETION, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT IF I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU, WERE TO LOSE MY LEGENDARY TEMPER WHEN FIGHTING A NON-LEGEND SUCH AS YOURSELF, IT WOULD BE A CASE OF LEGENDARY OVERKILL, SIMILAR TO WHAT WOULD OCCUR IF I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU, WERE TO ATTACK THE FRENCH ARMY, AND AS SUCH, MY LEGENDARY SENSE OF FAIR PLAY PRECLUDES ME FROM DOING SUCH A THING, AND THUS, I SHALL MERELY TAKE A SERIES OF DEEP BREATHS AND CONTINUE TO BATTLE YOU IN MY OWN LEGENDARY FASHION, WHICH WILL, OF COURSE, RESULT IN YOUR DEFEAT--"
Vincent rummaged around in his coat pockets for a moment, pulled out two orbs of materia, and inserted them into his gun.
"--and after I have brought you back to life I will immediately kill you again just to make sure that it is still fun and it will be since killing losers like you is always fun especially when I am killing the worst loser of all time and then I will kill you a couple of dozen times in different ways for the sake of variety and I will bring you back each time and then I shall start to get inventive and I will kill you another couple of dozen times using bamboo shoots and salt and dried leather strips and sandpaper and rock chisels and American romance novels and--"
Vincent cast Stop on them both, freezing them in place. "Pick these two up and get them down to ringside," he said to the Raiden mech. The mech picked them up and hurried downstairs.
Control Booth
"Okay, we're rearranging the draw," Birdman said, hanging up on Mimic. "Haohmaru and Genjuro are one hundred and one hundred and first into the ring, respectively, and everyone after them gets a later draw." He turned on the intercom. "Kelly, get one of the interns to go around and tell everyone who enters the ring after this that their draw's been changed."
"Roger. I'll get Hoover to do it."
"Whatever." Birdman turned back to his microphone. "Now that that's dealt with... grab him!"
"What?" Wanderer asked. "HEY! PUT ME DOWN--MMPH!"
Silverbolt gagged Wanderer and tossed him into the hallway, then locked the door. "Was that really necessary?" Silverbolt asked.
"Yes, it was..."
"...TERRY BOGARD!" (KOF96)
Wanderer started pounding on the door and yelling incredibly obscene things.
Terry walked into the RumbleDome casually, twirling his cap around on one finger. He ignored the usual chants ("PIZZA BOY! PIZZA BOY!"), waved to the fans, and used a Power Dunk to get over the forcefield. Q-Bee, as she drove her stinger into Blue Mary, took the Dunk in the back of her head and fell down.
"Hey," Terry said to Mary. "Nice to see you."
"What took you so long, Bogard?" Mary asked.
Terry smiled.
Just then, Vincent Valentine walked out of the ready room doors and fired his gun into the air. When that didn't get him any attention, he picked up an empty drink cup, tossed it into the air, and cast Fire 3 on it. The resulting explosion got him all the attention he could've ever asked for. It also knocked a gi-clad fan in the cheap seats into the even cheaper seats.
"Please get away from both the aisle and the side of the ring I am standing on," Vincent said in a polite, conversational tone. He chambered another round into his pistol while he said it. The fighters cautiously withdrew to the other side of the ring, and the audience backed away from the aisle.
Two Virtua On mechs emerged from the ready room, carrying Haohmaru and Genjuro. With a gentle heave, they tossed the two frozen samurai into the ring. Both abruptly began moving again the moment they touched the canvas.
"HAOHMARU!" (SS4)
"GENJURO!" (SS4)
"--AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE HAVE BOTH BEEN SUDDENLY TELEPORTED INTO THE RING, I WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUR NON-LEGENDARY SELF WITH INCREDIBLE SPEED AND SKILL, AND WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST CROSS WORD, FOR NOW WE ARE BEING WATCHED BY MILLIONS, AND I MUST SET A LEGENDARY EXAMPLE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN WATCHING, SOME OF WHOM MAY ONE DAY GROW UP, NO DOUBT INSPIRED BY THE TALES TOLD OF MY LEGENDARY SELF, TO BE SWORDSMEN OR WARRIORS, ALTHOUGH NONE OF THEM SHALL, OF COURSE, ACHIEVE THE LOFTY HEIGHTS OF LEGENDRY THAT I HAVE, FOR I AM A LEGEND AMONG LEGENDS, AND AS SUCH, AM UNIQUE, FOR THAT IS THE HONORABLE WAY, THE JUST WAY, THE KENSINGTON TO PADDINGTON SUBWAY--"
"--and while I am killing you repeatedly in many exciting ways I will take a brief vacation to come back here and find whoever just transported us here without my permission and I will gut him from crotch to sternum and pull out his intestines and tie them to a sharp heavy rock and throw him over a tall cliff so he goes bungee-jumping with his own guts and then I will come back to where I left your wretched loser carcass and do the same thing to you because now that I think about it that is a pretty good idea--"
"DUCK KING!" (RBFFS)
Duck had requested a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song for his intro. Birdman had to scramble to find it, but he put it in.
o/~ We're not packing pistols, we're not waging war / most of our missiles have only four chords / it's not a great plan, but we like the agenda / the arsenal's music, and the army's our friends! o/~
Accompanied by this, Duck King boogied down to ringside with his horribly cute duckling in tow. "Let's get funked up!" he called out. With that, he spun around two more times, bounced, and flipped into the ring.
The duckling somehow managed to hop over the forcefield, and bounced around applauding as Duck Head Spin Attacked Storm.
Room 1718, RumbleDome Hotel
Heihachi Mishima stood in front of his bedroom's window, preparing himself for the competition. He tossed two punches, absently, at the air. His mind was elsewhere. His attempts to find other allies had been, as of yet, unsuccessful. One Geese Howard, who reportedly had a criminal organization to rival his own, had yet to return his messages. Another man, named Victor von Doom, had spoken to King not long ago, but was not answering his telephone or door now. Bison himself was nowhere to be found.
Worse yet was that none of the bounty hunters he'd employed had brought him Demitri. Indeed, he had yet to hear from any of them, although one of his men had brought word that his bounty had occasioned a minature war in the basements of the RumbleDome.
Heihachi kicked at the air twice and dropped back into his stance. Apparently, other methods were called for. The problem he had now was that he was a bit out of his depth in dealing with a vampire. His usual methods were too mundane to handle an individual with Demitri's abilities, as much as he hated to admit it.
A sudden crash shook him out of his reverie. He strode to the doors of his bedroom and threw them open, revealing the bedlam that had overtaken his suite's living room.
Ling Xiayou was nowhere to be seen; she entered the ring shortly. That left Jin and Kuma to defend themselves against the small mob of strangely dressed individuals who'd crashed through his suite's doors. They were doing well, but were horribly outnumbered.
Heihachi started forward, but noted that he was no longer alone in his bedroom. He turned to confront Demitri Maximov.
"Your men?" Heihachi asked, indicating Jin's assailants with a thrust of his chin.
"My pawns," Demitri said urbanely. "You are their proving ground, Master Mishima."
Jin spun around and met an attacker's charge with a Lightning Screw Uppercut. The attacker--a short woman in the dress of a practitioner of judo--flew into the bedroom, cracked against the bed's footboard, and lay still.
"They may be easily manipulated," Heihachi noted, "but that does not make them any more skilled." "Point." Demitri bowed to acknowledge it. "In any case, I've come to discuss something with you privately. They are here to occupy your grandson and your pet while we do."
"How civilized of you."
"Quite. Your contract was an excellent idea in concept, Master Mishima, but its execution is about to get you killed. I do not appreciate attempts upon my life or liberty." Demitri's fangs came out.
"Thank you."
Demitri raised an eyebrow. "Pardon?"
"The bounty hunters were never meant to catch you, Maximov. They were meant to make you make mistakes." Heihachi dropped into his stance. "You've come here. That means they've done their job."
"So you intend to fight back?" Demitri grinned. "We shall see, then, if it does you any good."
The Ring
"KAURIK!" (I&B)
Wanderer, sitting back down, put another CD in with a baleful look at Birdman. Aerosmith started playing.
o/~ The sword is sharp, as hard as stone / the cauldron begs for one more bone / and now my love, the story's told / from modern times to days of old / from Boston, Mass. to Bangladesh / when the night, comes, everyone's gotta have flesh... o/~
Kaurik stalked into the RumbleDome, smashing the walls to either side of him with his flail. His human-skin clothes were freshly pressed. As he leapt into the ring, he spun his flail, roared, and dashed towards Shuma-Gorath.
"SIR DREGAN!" (M:tDA)
As he raised his sword and shield to the audience, Dregan's sword arm dropped off.
"Bother," he muttered. "I hate that." He picked up the arm, reattached it, and proceeded to the ring.
Chang Koehan, happily pounding away on Shuma-Gorath, was fifteen feet in the air before he realized he was off the ground. The Raiden mech gently deposited him on the walkway before turning off its tractor beam.
"What's the big idea?!" Chang demanded.
"Sir, you're not supposed to be in the ring. There was a clerical error." Vincent put his hand on his pistol. "You'll be the first one into the ring next Section."
"But that squid-thing..." Chang said, looking longingly at Shuma-Gorath.
"If you are lucky, it will still be there," Vincent said. "Please return to the ready room."
"Aw." Chang lumbered out of the RumbleDome.
And, the final fighter of this Section:
"LING XIAOYU!" (T3)
"Thank you, everybody! Thank you!" Ling waved to the cheering crowd as she came out."I really appreciate it! I'll do my best!" She turned around and ran down to the ring backwards, shaking hands and giving high-fives the whole time.
"Why is she running--" Wanderer began.
Ling skyflipped backward, into the ring, landed on Captain America's shoulders, and whacked him in the head. Cap fell down.
"--oh."
WHO WILL LIVE?
WHO WILL DIE?
WILL PEOPLE GET CONFUSED IF I JUST CALL HER "LING"?