Al'Rashid and Kabuki Jo fought viciously, right up until the moment Rogue kicked them out of the ring. As Al'Rashid landed in Tokyo Wars, he watched Kabuki Jo bounce to a halt directly in front of an oncoming tank and get ground into paste under its treads. Rashid barely managed to avoid the same fate and waited out his fifteen minutes hiding in a nearby alleyway, watching artillery fly back and forth.
At the same time, Ryo Sakazaki and Ken Masters were in the center of the ring, battling tooth and nail. Jedah slowly moved around them, looking for an opening with which to cripple Ryo, until Yoshimitsu and Heavy D! stepped in front of him.
"Please do get out of the way," Jedah said. "I've got to disembowel the man in red, there. Private matter of vengeance, really. None of your concern."
"Which one?" D! asked. "If it's Masters, just say so. I got no reason to keep him safe."
"What do you mean, 'which one'?" Jedah spluttered. "The one with blond hair! He uses karate!"
D! and Yoshimitsu looked at each other, back at Ken and Ryo, then at Jedah. "You've gotta be kidding," D! said.
"Sakazaki...?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought." D! cracked his knuckles. "We got his back, chump. You ain't goin' anywhere near him 'til he's done with Masters."
"We'll see about that, mortal," Jedah snarled. He feinted towards Yoshimitsu, whirled, and slashed D! across the chest. As D! staggered, Jedah took to the air.
"We've got a bogey at ten o'clock!" Yoshimitsu called out. "Watch the skies!"
"I got it," D! muttered, and Jedah flew straight into a Soul Flower. With an undignified "thump", Jedah hit the mat.
Ken faked left, went right, and as Ryo threw a Koho, hoping to counter the jump-in he thought was coming, Ken sent him tumbling with a short Shoryuken. As he landed, he pointed at Ryo and shouted, as much to the audience as to Ryo, "A Dragon Punch just like mine!"
Ryo grimaced as he got back on his feet, and tossed a Kohken to catch an incoming Hadoken. The two fireballs met and exploded in a shower of sparks.
"A fireball just like mine, except it sucks!" Ken shouted, and went for the Hurricane Kick.
Ryo countered with a Moko Raijin Go uppercut, and Ken went sprawling. "Funny..." Ryo said, "...I don't remember ever seeing you do that ..."
"One move, punk!" Ken snarled. "One move doesn't make you original!"
"One hit doesn't make you the winner." Ryo stood back up. "Come on."
Ken was more than happy to oblige. It wasn't quite the clash of titans that Ryu and Akuma had been, but it was still a spectacular display. Ken had a lot more skill and experience on his side, but he'd still never fought Ryo before, and Ryo surprised him a couple of times. By the same token, Ryo kept his wits about him more than Ken did, but the similarity between their styles was working against him; Ken had a rough idea of what to expect out of him, and had a counter for everything he tried. Ryo barely evaded Ken's assault, but couldn't get a solid hit in. Slowly, Ken began to get the upper hand.
Shun Di ambled up behind the two of them. He peered through red eyes at them, and decided that he was just seeing double again.
Dan rolled in front of Shun Di and shook his forearm in his face. "Yoyutchi! Face me now, drunken master! Face Dan Hibiki!"
Shun ignored him in favor of his his pre-fight drink.
"What's this? Perhaps more drastic measures are called for!" Dan performed a mighty rolling taunt, springing to his feet a few feet away.
Shun, still drinking, ignored him.
"Perhaps this will do the trick! No one can look away from the mighty Chohatsu technique!" Dan rolled back towards Shun Di and taunted.
Shun continued to ignore him.
"All right, then, how about this?" Dan leaped into the air, his forearm extended, and landed.
Shun Di, his head tipped all the way back, was completely oblivious.
"What is in that?" Dan grabbed the flask, shoved Shun Di out of the ring, and sniffed at it (Shun fell into Chrono Trigger, and eventually won more than a million Silver Points in the drinking contest). He didn't recognize the smell, so he started to take a sip.
Yuri Sakazaki, standing nearby, said, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"What, you think it's dangerous?"
"Dan, that guy was a drunken master. There could be anything from Scotch to paint thinner in that."
"Then it is dangerous!" Dan brightened. "What better man for such a task than myself? Stand back, Yuri! The mighty Dan Hibiki is on the job!"
"Dan, don't be stu--"
Dan opened the flask and tossed its contents back. When he finally tossed it onto the mat, it was empty, and his eyes were distinctly unfocused.
"So, what's in the flask?"
Dan erupted into a fit of coughing. "...really good stuff (hiccup)..."
Yuri decided to see what things were like on the other side of the ring.
Dan, with his acute drunken senses, studied Ken and Ryo for a moment. "...why, they're both just apprenticesh! They haven't taunted (hiccup) onshe! I, Dan (hiccup) Hibiki, shall show them what true (hiccup) marshal artsh are like!" He set out at a dead run for Ken, fell on his face, got up, and proceeded at a slower pace.
Ryo blocked a Hadoken, noticed Dan, and opened his mouth to warn Ken. He didn't get the chance, though, as a Dio Sehga ripped into his back. Ryo fell to the mat in a pool of his own blood.
"Did you think your little friends could hold me back forever, Sakazaki?!" Jedah demanded. "I am the Lord of the House of Ozom, mortal! I have dimensions writhing in my grip!" He picked Ryo up in one claw. "I will not be denied anything by a pathetic wretch like you!"
Ken grabbed Jedah by the shoulder and spun him around into a Shoryuken. Ryo dropped to the ground; Jedah fell backward and slid across the mat.
"Look, freaky, this was a private fight," Ken said. "I don't remember inviting you."
"Doesn't anyone listen to me?" Jedah gently levitated to his feet. His rapidly healing jaw made speaking difficult, but he managed. "I am going to slowly flay that mortal alive, I will wear his skin as a festive garment for summer, and no one is going to stop me." He considered Ken for a moment. "Anyroad, who are you? His evil twin?"
"What? I am not ...aw, screw it. SHINRYUKEN!"
Jedah landed in the Executioner's torture dungeon, bouncing off of a rotating pillar of blades before falling squarely onto a bed of spikes. His blood hissed as it soaked into the already-saturated floor.
"I don't know who you are, mortal..." Jedah said, mostly for his own benefit, "...but I will learn, and when I do, you and Sakazaki will burn on the same pyre."
As he made that proclamation, Dan made a similar one. "...I am going to mesh you up, Ryo! I am really going to beat your ash!"
"Right, Dan." Ryo looked behind him. "Look, Ken and I are sort of busy, so if you don't mind..."
"But, I jusht want you to know somethin'..."
"What, Dan?"
"I love you, man."
"...you have got to be kidding me."
"No, no, I do. I really, really love--"
Ryo threw him out of the ring before things got any weirder. Dan fell into a deck chair on Dee Jay's stage, right next to Austin Loomis, and passed out almost instantly. Dee Jay nodded sympathetically--as sympathetically as he could towards Dan, anyway--and signaled the band to turn their amplifiers down.
"Was he dropped on his head as a child?" Ryo asked Ken.
"Man, Ryu and I spent about five years dropping him on his head daily."
"So he's your fault?"
"Watch your damn mouth, Sakazaki."
Room 114, RumbleDome Hotel
"We're here, wizard," Iori announced.
"It's about time, Yagami," Amakusa said. "Those are your allies, I take it?"
"Yeah. This is Vice, and this--"
"I don't care who they are." Amakusa turned his back on Iori and continued flipping through pages in a large book. A short distance beyond him, Taria, her leg cocked up over the arm of the chair she sat in (and thus providing a slightly burlesque view), paid rapt attention to a crystal she held in both hands. "As long as they are quiet, intelligent, and can keep their mouths shut, their names are irrelevant to me," Amakusa continued. "Come, Yagami. Taria and I have collected the information you will need."
"That being...?" Iori prompted. Behind him, Vice and Mature shared another of their long looks.
"Other wielders of fire." Amakusa tossed a pad of Rumble stationery at Yagami with a list of names.
"I've got one for you already," Iori said. He tossed a handful of red cloth at Amakusa's head. The wizard reached up and caught it. "I think you know the guy that came from. Suzuki... Kazuki, or something like that... it sounded like a motorcycle."
"Ah, Kazuki Kazama," Amakusa said. "Excellent, but there are other, better choices than he. Take your women, if you must, get what you can of theirs--clothing is good, sweat or blood is better, but flesh is ideal--and be cautious while you do."
"Why?" Iori said, reading the names. "Most of the people on this list couldn't win a schoolyard brawl."
Taria, not looking away from her crystal, snorted.
"Yes, but they can scream , can they not? That is all they have to do to get you killed right now, idiot." Amakusa fixed him with a withering glare. "Have you not been paying attention to what goes on around you? The vampire, Maximov, walks this dimension and leaves chaos in his wake. The basements have until recently shaken with the echoes of a secret war. The security of this area controls giants, metallic golems of steel and electricity, and those giants grow impatient with guarding the Titan Thanos. Tread carefully, Yagami, or you will find yourself imprisoned, or worse."
"Wizard, my patience--"
"So you want us to steal something from each of these people, then?" Vice interrupted. She had read the list over Iori's shoulder; Iori, only now realizing this, snatched it out of her eyesight with a snarl.
"Very good, madame. You comprehend the obvious. Perhaps we shall start you on barely veiled innuendo soon," Amakusa said. "Go, now. The distraction caused by the Rumble will not last forever."
"We'll be right back," Iori said, and turned to leave. Vice and Mature paused a moment longer, looking first at Amakusa, then at Taria, and finally at each other, before leaving.
The Ring
Necro, standing on one side of the ring, reached out and rang Heavy D!'s chimes for him on the other.
D!, already slightly dizzy from blocking a series of Earthquakes, blinked, shook off his grogginess, and Necro hit him again. D! tried to get a look around him, to see who the hell was punching him, and the moment his back was turned, Necro reached out and punched him in the back of the head.
"Interesting..." Hanzo Hattori said, appearing behind Necro. "You are easily one of the most unorthodox fighters I have ever--"
Necro whirled on him with an Electric Blast, sending thousands of volts coursing through...
...a log.
As usual.
Hanzo emerged from the mat at Necro's feet and slashed at his legs, tripping him up; the Street Fighter stumbled forward, his balance gone, and Hanzo aided his flight forward with a throwing star to the back of the head. Necro hit the "ropes" and pitched over them, out of the ring.
Within seconds of arriving in Syphon Filter, Necro was nearly torn in half by small-arms fire. Gabriel Logan noted that what he was shooting at was obviously not one of his designated targets, and immediately tossed the smoking submachine gun in his hands to the nearest terrorist. The terrorist, reflexively, reached out and caught it.
"Thtop shooting at me, dammit!" Necro yelled. He tore the gun from the terrorist's hands and picked him up. "Don't make me tear you in half!"
"Yes, please do stop shooting at him," Logan said urbanely. "It's terribly rude."
"What?" the terrorist said. "But you--"
"Don't try to lie, friend," Logan continued. He turned to Necro. "That man's a dangerous terrorist. You may wish to do something about him."
"Hey, I didn't--"
"Oh, I'll do thomething!" Necro tossed the terrorist to the ground and Slam Danced on his head. Logan quietly snuck away.
With Necro gone, Heavy D! wearily turned back to what he was doing: trying to keep the Juggernaut from crushing his skull. Fortunately, the Juggernaut was distracted at the moment by Erland, who, despite the obvious mismatch, was still alive. As a matter of fact, the Juggernaut couldn't lay a finger on the elf, which made the Juggernaut angrier than words can conveniently say.
"C'mere, runt!" the Juggernaut yelled, trying to crush Erland between his hands and the mat. Erland dove to the side, rolled, and came up shooting. The arrow went smoothly into the right eye slit of the Juggernaut's helmet, directly into his eye.
This made the Juggernaut blink.
"...oh, gods," Erland said despairingly. "Could you please take a single wound? A scratch? A bloody hangnail ? Anything?"
"Shrimp, you're really startin' to get on my nerves!" The Juggernaut punched the mat, sending an Earthquake towards Erland, who, once again, rolled out of its way. The Earthquake struck Heavy D! instead, throwing him into the "ropes" and leaving him there. The smell of scorched boxer started to fill the ring. Despite himself, Erland turned to stare at D!, and reached out a hand to try to get the man down.
This nearly got him killed, and not just because of the voltage. Fortunately, Rogue flew in front of Erland and blocked a Juggernaut Punch. "How 'bout pickin' on someone who can fight back, sugah?"
"Was that supposed to be impressive or somethin', lady?"
"You ain't seen impressive yet, Marko," Rogue said. "Let's go."
A moment later, Rogue flew across the ring and rolled to a halt at Yuri Sakazaki's feet.
"I still ain't seen impressive, frail," the Juggernaut said. "As for you , shrimp..." An arrow bounced off his helmet. "...grrr..."
Yuri knelt down and touched Rogue's shoulder. "Are you all right?"
"Believe it or not, Ah've had worse." Rogue sat up and shook her head, trying to clear it.
"Mm- hm . Your name's Rogue, right?"
"Yes'm."
"Who is that guy?" Yuri pointed at the Juggernaut.
"Just your run-of-the-mill big dumb supervillain." Rogue stood up. "He's Professor X's stepbrother, and they aren't fond of each other. He found some magic gem that makes him invincible, so every so often, he tries to kill the X-Men to get at the Professor." She paused to think. "That's actually a better reason than most people have for tryin' to kill us, now that Ah think about it."
Yuri thought about this. "Tell me more."
"Why?"
"Oh, you'll see."
Room 721, RumbleDome Hotel
"Liu Kang, huh?" Iori mused to himself, lighting a cigarette. "No big deal."
With a flick of his fingers, the knob on Kang's room's door burst into purple flames and melted, drizzling onto the floor like hot caramel. Iori pushed the door open and stepped in, ignoring the stench of burning carpet.
Kang had done next to nothing to his room, despite having lived there for a week; the only personal touch were the clothes on the chair and on hangers in the closet.
Iori selected a headband and walked out, throwing his cigarette butt on the bed. He left the door open.
Room 267, RumbleDome Hotel
As Ran-Cid moved towards Room 267's door, his chainsaw materialized in his hands and cut a ragged hole down its middle. Half the door stayed standing, fastened to the frame by its hinges, and the other half fell over with a soft thump. The chainsaw, no longer needed, vanished.
"Could you stop doing that?" Matrix demanded. "Just carry the damn thing around!"
"Indeed, friend Rancid," Wulf said, "thy weapon's stubborn refusal to obey the laws set down by our Lord God is most troubling. Mayhap you should STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" His voice had risen to a peculiar high whine by the end of the sentence.
"It's not my idea," Ran-Cid said, wiping his forehead. "The thing just comes when I need it, and doesn't stick around any longer. It's really damned stupid, is what it is, and it's pissing me off, and if we don't find Rose real soon, I'm gonna have to go find every last one of those War Gods and cut them into very small--"
"Is there a reason you've sliced open my door?" Rose, sitting on the bed in a bathrobe, paused for a moment as she brushed her hair. "Matrix. I remember you. I eliminated you in last year's competition."
"Oh, yeah. Thanks. I really appreciated that."
"You are Wulf, and you are... Musashi, if I remember correctly. You are...?" Rose asked Rancid, pointedly.
"Oh, yeah. I'm Ran... Ran... Ran-Cid." Ran-Cid slapped himself in the forehead. He'd pronounced the two syllables separately again.
"Rancid? I remember you..." Rose raised an eyebrow. "I take it something is the matter?"
"Yes, something's the matter!" Matrix pointed at Rancid. "He killed some damn alien thing, picked up a rock it had, and now he's the poster child for really weird crap!"
"Please make it stop," Musashi said, not quite begging. "He continually pulls his chainsaw out of nowhere, he teleports, he keeps calling us 'pathetic mortals' without meaning to..."
"He hath an extraordinarily silly-looking combination attack that hits precisely ten times, every time, and doth involve him spinning like a top and doing what appears to be the 'Safety Dance'..." Wulf contributed.
"... and every so often I accidentally think about taking over the world, but my plans for doing it don't make any sense," Ran-Cid finished. "Make it stop!"
Rose looked at him for a moment longer, then turned back to her mirror and continued brushing her hair. After a few very long quiet seconds, she said, "Hm."
"Hm?"
"HM?"
"What the hell is this 'hm' sh--"
"If I understand you correctly, Rancid," she clearly did not pronounce the syllables, "you have been contaminated by something about the rock you picked up. It should be simplicity itself to remove it from your system, since it obviously doesn't have any kind of guiding intelligence."
Ran-Cid breathed out. "I am so freakin' glad you said that--wait. Did you just insult me?"
Rose ignored him. "Do you still have it?"
"No. It kinda soaked into me when I wasn't lookin'."
"That complicates matters, then." Rose kept brushing. "I shall consult some of my colleagues, and see if we might be able to come up with something. Perhaps you may wish to track down others who have undergone your plight, if there are any."
Matrix started to look sick. "You don't mean...?"
"I believe, milady, that she does, indeed, mean just that," Musashi said. (Samurai are good at accepting stuff stoically.)
"Let's go talk to the damn War Gods," Ran-Cid said, trudging out of the room.
Room 436, RumbleDome Hotel
"This is a bad idea," Vice muttered. She'd charmed the relevant keycard out of one of the janitors, and now used it to unlock Dhalsim's door.
She proceeded cautiously, afraid that Dhalsim himself might be home. He wasn't, but a woman about his age--his wife, Vice decided--was sleeping on the bed. Vice reached down, took off her shoes, and quietly searched the room.
It was a frustrating couple of minutes. When one is rummaging through the possessions of a monk, looking for something he will not miss, one is almost guaranteed frustration. Finally, Vice grabbed a copy of the Upanishads in paperback off the nightstand and fled the room.
Five minutes later, after a visit to the RumbleDome's bookstore, she let herself back in and replaced the book. Dhalsim's wife never stirred.
The Ring
A Haohshokohken met an EX Hadoken, and both vanished in a brief flash of fire. As Ryo squinted through the disappearing flames, Ken's foot flew out of them and struck his stomach, chest, and nose in rapid succession. Ryo shook it off, spat blood, grabbed the offending leg, and flung Ken over his shoulder.
As Ken landed, Sasquatch waddled up to Ryo with a big smile and waved. "Chuffle!"
"Hey, 'Squatch. Nice to see you." Ryo watched Ken roll to his feet. "Could we talk later, maybe? I'm sorta busy right now, though."
"Chuffle!"
"Thanks, 'Squatch. We'll grab a bite to eat after the Rumble. I'll buy you some ice cream." Ryo stopped to ponder what he'd just said. "I've gotten used to this. This is frightening."
Sasquatch nodded sympathetically. "Chuffle."
"Get that fuzzy thing outta my way!" Ken yelled. He walked up to Sasquatch and poked him in the general area of his stomach. "This is between me and him, so why don't you--"
Sasquatch swallowed him.
Ryo blinked. "Um, 'Squatch, did you just kill him?"
"Chuffle."
"Is that a 'no'? Please, God, let it be a 'no'."
Sasquatch hopped up and down, nodding. There was a muffled yell from behind his teeth. "Chuffle chuffle!"
"So you just swallowed Ken Masters."
"Chuffle!" Sasquatch did a happy little dance.
"I appreciate the gesture, I think, but could you spit him out now?"
Sasquatch nodded and opened his mouth. Ken tumbled out onto the mat, coated in ice that shattered when he landed. An orange blur shot by him a moment later, grabbed Sasquatch, flipped over, and slam-dunked the Bigfoot over the "ropes".
Ken looked up. "Guy?"
"Can't you stay out of trouble for one second, Masters? You pick fights with Akuma, wander down dark alleys," Guy gestured in the direction he'd thrown Sasquatch, "get eaten by snowmen..."
"What can I say? I live on the edge." Ken squinted at Guy. "Hey, man, you look young . How'd you manage--"
"Clean living. We'll talk about it more later." Guy, with a nod to Ryo, walked off.
Ken got up, shook the water out of his hair, and snorted. "He's always gotta make an entrance."
"If you say so." Ryo backed off of him. "Let me know when you're--"
"Hadoken!"
"--ready." Ryo blocked the fireball and ducked under Ken's Hurricane Kick. "Me and my big mouth..."
Sasquatch, now visible on the DimensionCam, was dancing around on the ice floe in Iceman's XM:CotA stage, mostly for the benefit of the sunbathing women on the beach nearby. He wore, as he usually did, a big silly grin.
"Oh, he's so CUTE!" one of the women cried.
"What is that, anyway?"
"I think it's one of those new Muppets." She stood up and waved. "Hi, Muppet! Do you do tricks?"
Sasquatch performed a backflip. The women cooed adoringly.
Birdman, back in the RumbleDome, turned on his tape recorder and said, "Note to self. Stuffed Sasquatch dolls for the merchandise booth, as soon as possible."
Wanderer looked up. He'd bought the relevant action figures earlier, and was now busily trying to fit the Ken figure's head into the Sasquatch figure's mouth. "What?"
"Just planning ahead."
Back in the ring, the Juggernaut, ignoring a flurry of attacks from all sides of the ring, walked towards Ryo and Ken. They were so intent upon beating the snot out of each other that they didn't notice him.
The Juggernaut cracked his knuckles. These two would be fun to smash.
Someone whistled loudly. "HEY! MARKO!"
The Juggernaut turned around, his fists poised above Ryo and Ken's heads.
Yuri Sakazaki stood on the other edge of the ring, in front of the turnbuckle that Rogue had bent in half, screaming at the top of her lungs. "Hey, Marko, you're a LOSER! Hey, you know who'd be a better fighter than you? CHARLES XAVIER! Your STEPBROTHER!"
"You... little..." the Juggernaut started to clench his fists and grind his teeth.
"Um, sugar...?" Rogue said. "Ah wouldn't've told you what Ah did if Ah knew what you were gonna do..."
"Just trust me," Yuri muttered. "That's RIGHT, Juggy! Good ol' Charles, the one with LEGS THAT DON'T WORK, would be doing BETTER THAN YOU! RIGHT NOW! You know WHY? 'Cause he isn't STUPID! That's right, Cain baby, you're dumber than a box of dead gerbils, and WE ALL KNOW IT! I'm from another DIMENSION, and I know how STUPID YOU ARE! LOSER!" Yuri blew him a raspberry.
Slowly, both Ryo and Ken turned to Yuri, then followed her line of vision to the Juggernaut, standing over them. What was visible of the Juggernaut's face slowly became a vivid shade of red.
"Um, Ken?" Ryo said, frozen in mid-punch.
Ken took a step backwards, his eyes on the Juggernaut. "I think we'd better..."
"RAARRRGGHHHH!!! JUGGERNAUT HEADCRUSH!"
"...RUN!" Ken shouted.
The Juggernaut charged Yuri recklessly, shaking the mat with his footsteps. Hanzo Hattori vanished, leaving a log to be crushed to dust under the Juggernaut's heel, and both Ken and Ryo dove out of the way in time.
Unfortunately, Guy wasn't paying any attention to anything but Li Long. He'd already taken a Hurricane to the chest, and every time Guy did anything more acrobatic than walking or blocking, the wound tore back open. It annoyed him.
Li Long, on the other hand, saw the Juggernaut perfectly. He stepped to the side, putting Guy between him and the Juggernaut, and started a Thunderstorm combination.
As Li Long's nunchaku flew towards Guy's head, he threw himself into a backflip, inadvertently landing right in the Juggernaut's way. The moment he landed, he knew he'd been tricked. Just before the Juggernaut slammed into his back, Guy nodded grimly to Li Long. Li Long bowed sardonically to Guy in response. Guy landed on the other side of the ring, unconscious, three seconds later.
Despite all of this, Yuri didn't move an inch. "C'MON, LOSER!" she yelled, holding out her arms. "Come ON, baka! Come and get me!"
"I'M GONNA TEAR YOU APART!" the Juggernaut roared.
"No, you aren't." At literally the last second, Yuri jumped out of the way.
The Juggernaut screamed in rage, unable to stop in time, and crashed straight through the dented turnbuckle, wrenching it off its moorings and leaving it in two pieces. Half of the turnbuckle landed in the ring; half followed the Juggernaut through the dimensional field. A bright flash lit the entire 'Dome seconds later, as the electrical circuit that kept the "ropes" operational burnt out. One by one, the turnbuckles spat a fusillade of sparks, sending both fighters and audience members diving for cover, before settling into darkness and silence.
Yuri decided she needed to sit down for a second.
Hanzo Hattori reappeared just as the "ropes" flared, which meant that, unlike anyone else, he wasn't covering his eyes. He stumbled, momentarily blinded, and Blue Mary Straight Sliced into his knees. As Hanzo tried to regain his balance, Mary jammed her taser into his kidneys and thumbed the trigger. With two thousand volts coursing through his body, Hanzo fell out of the ring.
Wanderer, who'd been outside smoking, came into the control booth, ignored Birdman's frenzied writhing on the floor, fiddled with the DimensionCam, and noted that Juggernaut had apparently fallen into WWF Warzone. He watched the carnage for a moment, turned the DimensionCam off, decided that he hadn't seen anything, and left the control booth again.
Unnoticed by anyone, as usual, Hanzo landed in Ninja Gaiden. The first enemy ninjas to approach him got a very large, and very terminal, surprise.
Down in the ring, Guy stood up and shook his head. He'd taken worse last year; not much worse, granted, but worse nonetheless. He Bushin Ran towards Captain America, intending to do the same thing he'd done to Sasquatch.
He only realized that Cap saw him coming when Cap's shield knocked his legs out from under him. Guy flew into the air, feeling like an idiot, and noted he was heading straight for Cap. In mid-air, he flipped over, turning his dive into a passable flying kick.
"Wonderful," Cap muttered. "I really don't have--" Cap ducked underneath the kick and grabbed Guy out of the air. "--time for this." He tossed Guy at Heavy D!, intending to let the two of them fight it out.
Cap, however, underestimated the kind of shape Heavy D! was in. The only reason D! was on his feet at all was because that was how he'd landed when the Juggernaut broke the "ropes". When Guy landed on top of him, it knocked him completely unconscious, and both men fell out of the ring.
"Guy is eliminated, right?" a mostly recovered Birdman asked. "He's not hanging onto the bottom of the ring again?"
"Yup." Wanderer pointed to the DimensionCam. It depicted a dark hallway with a glowing dot in its center. Guy stood next to it as if he wasn't sure what it was, and Heavy D! lay against the wall behind him. Guy looked up--the sound on the DimensionCam was turned off--saw something that visibly startled him, picked up Heavy D!, and ran. Pac-Man came down the hallway after them, gobbling up the dot, with Suzy and Pinky in hot pursuit.
Birdman flipped his mike on. "Hell of a turnover rate out there tonight, folks! Our reigning champion, Street Fighter's Guy, has been eliminated, with a relatively tame four eliminations, by tonight's current first-place competitor, Captain America! With Guy out of the running, this is truly anyone's Rumble, but past champion and all-time eliminations leader Haohmaru is still waiting in the wings. Things could get interesting!"
"'Get' interesting? The damn ring just exploded."
"Interesting is a relative term, Wanderer."
Thinking everyone's attention was on Captain America, Erland took a moment to catch his breath. During that moment, Yoshimitsu popped up behind him and Kangaroo Kicked him into low orbit. Erland fell down into a waiting series of Stone Fists, the last one of which knocked him out of the ring. He landed on a steep slope in Alpine Racer, and started to slide downhill on his back.
"There's only one thing to do in this situation," Yoshimitsu mused to himself, watching Erland vanish. "Strut."
He did so. The audience found that it was good.
Room 645, RumbleDome Hotel
Billy Kane lived like a pig.
Mature stifled a groan of dismay as she let herself into his room, gingerly stepping amidst piles of pizza boxes, room service trays, empty bottles of lager, and discarded underwear that was almost certainly not his. The smell was indescribable.
She quickly ransacked the room, and found a bandanna, still wet with sweat, tossed over one of the bedposts. Mature went into the bathroom, grabbed some tissues, and used them to pick up the bandanna. As she left the room with it, she tried, very hard, not to look like she was running away.
Silent Hill
The ape-demon on top of Harry Mason opened up its mouth to take a bite out of his face. Instead, Harry pressed a sawed-off shotgun against the roof of its mouth and pulled the trigger.
He wriggled out from underneath the demon's body and, ignoring his wounds, limped down the street. According to the crazy old woman in the church, his next stop had to be the hospital. He unfolded his map to make sure he was on the right street.
He looked away from the map, and saw a small army of demons moving down the street towards him. Winged demons flew in a jagged "V" formation, providing air cover for at least three dozen doglike beasts, running as best they could on ragged muscles. Ape-beasts, almost identical to the one he'd just killed, loped down the street on their knuckles. Their screams were legion.
With a strangled shout, juggling shotgun and map, Harry ran for his life. He got all the way across the street, into the doorway of a restaurant, before he realized the demons weren't even looking in his direction.
Cautiously, he waited for the army to pass before proceeding after them. He wasn't sure what there was in Silent Hill that would attract that many demons--and, more importantly, wasn't sure he wanted to know--but had to check it out, on the off-chance it led him to his daughter.
It didn't.
At the end of the street, in front of the chasm that marked its new end, a man in green and gold fought for his life. His legs and arms were red to the knees and elbows, maybe half of it his own. Six demons lay dead at his feet, and a seventh, one of the ones that looked like a flayed dog, clung to his leg desperately. The man did a backwards handspring that wrenched it off and flung it into the chasm, where its howl of dismay faded into silence.
He looked up and saw Death, in the form of the approaching demons.
Harry expected a scream. The man simply sighed and sat down instead, cradling his head in his bloody hands. He vanished underneath a horde of the new inhabitants of Silent Hill.
Harry moved out of the doorway with his gun up, but some impulse made him stop and take stock of the situation. There were too many demons for him to do anything besides die at the man's side, and he had no intention of doing that. His daughter needed him.
Harry quickly fled in the other direction, hoping to get away before the demons saw him.
The Ring
As Eddy Gordo died once more on the DimensionCam screen, the speakers played a sound bite that had been looped especially for the occasion.
o/~ And another one bites / and another one bites / and another one bites the dust! o/~
"Eddy Gordo, ladies and gentlemen, selling like a bastard to a ravening horde of demons! That marks down, oh, about the thousandth time we've seen Gordo buy the farm tonight, and there's almost certainly more to come here at UVR3!" Birdman turned off the microphone and cackled to himself.
"Is this starting to get gratuitous?" Wanderer asked.
"Damn straight. The audience seems to be enjoying it, though."
An entire section of the audience was on its feet and cheering, apparently led by a man in a cape and a tall woman in the front row. The woman waved a chainsaw around for some reason.
"I think we found our Jihad," Wanderer said.
"Just so long as they keep paying us." Birdman turned the mike back on. "Anyway..."
Li Long approached Yoshimitsu cautiously, his nunchaku spinning in one hand. "What in the world would you be?"
"This unit is the one-of-a-kind, at least until spring of 2010, Yoshimitsu98 (tm) infiltration, surveillance, and ass-beating device, complete with fusion-powered laser sword, sleek chrome chassis, turbocharged fuel injection, and AM/FM radio! If you'd like our free brochure, and one hundred hours FREE combat simulation, please write to Yoshimitsu Productions at drb@evilscience.com, or call 1-800-YOSHIBOT!"
"Umm... so you're a fighter."
"Affirmative! Requesting designation for present Opponent Unit."
"What?"
Yoshimitsu's voice changed completely. "I SAID, 'WHAT IS YOUR NAME', PRIVATE!"
"I am Li Long." He spun his nunchaku in a quick figure-eight and caught them under his left arm. "I suppose I should just challenge you now, shouldn't I?"
"Do what ya gotta do, pilgrim."
Li Long decided to just hit the thing before it confused him any further. Yoshimitsu easily blocked two of his nunchaku blows, slipped to the side to avoid the third, and jumped into a handstand. Before Li Long knew what was going on, Yoshimitsu's legs were on either side of his head. Moments later, Yoshimitsu used that leverage to toss him out of the ring; admittedly, it wouldn't have worked if the "ropes" had been on, but it was an elimination nonetheless.
Long landed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters. As he stood up, Michaelangelo walked up to him. "A fellow 'chucker, hmm?"
"Are you... challenging me, monster?"
"Hey, dude, I'm no monster! I'm a turt--" WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM "...mommy?" Mike crumpled.
Back in the RumbleDome, Captain America pulled Yuri and Rogue to one side of the ring. "We need to talk here."
"What about?" Rogue asked. "Juggy's gone, and in high style at that."
"It was nothing, really." Yuri blushed.
"Miss, tell Rogue what you told me," Cap said.
Yuri swallowed. "My friend King's brother is being held prisoner. The guy who kidnapped him wants the Infinity Gems, or they'll kill him."
Rogue's mouth narrowed to a thin line. "Aw, hell. They could be anywhere."
"Well, I know where a couple of them are. King had one when I tossed her out, and I've got this one here..." Yuri pulled the Reality Gem out of her pocket and held it up.
"She's probably already on her way to this 'Geese's' room. We'll have to assume that he has the Soul Gem, but if he's willing to kidnap a child and blackmail her, he's almost certain to doublecross her," Cap said. "We're going to need all the help we can get. Rogue, I know there are other X-Men here besides you, Wolverine, and Gambit. Who?"
"There are?" Rogue looked genuinely surprised. "Ah couldn't tell you who."
"Try to reach someone telepathically. I'd be willing to bet that Wolverine brought one of the X-Men's telepaths along. As for you, miss, do you know anyone who can be trusted?"
"Well, yeah. My brother over there, my husband, King, my friend Mai, her fiance -- for the last hundred years -- Andy, his brother Terry..." Yuri started counting on her fingers. "...Terry's girlfriend Blue Mary's right there, I think Kasumi's okay, Ralf's trustworthy if you give him a bottle of whiskey--"
"I think that'll do for now. Rogue, if you reach anyone at all, tell them to find one or more of the people Yuri just mentioned, and then contact me." Cap ran towards Ryo and Ken.
Geese's Room, RumbleDome Hotel
Yamazaki answered the door. King repressed the urge to hit him and held up the Soul Gem. "I've got your damn Gems. Where's Geese?"
"Geese isn't here right now. Why don't you ladies--and you too, Bogard--have a seat?"
"Kmph!" Jan said, trying to talk around his gag.
"Shut up, kid," Yamazaki said, toying with his knife. Behind King and Kasumi, Drew Bogard held up two fingers and grinned at Yamazaki.
"Can you get Geese?" King said. She didn't sit down. "I'd like to get my brother away from you. I think he's allergic to pond scum."
"Oh, I might be able to," Yamazaki said. "What's it worth to you?"
King sighed. "You're going to make me pay you to find Geese?"
"Nothing's free, babe."
"What's your price?"
Yamazaki took a moment to leer at King. "Oh, I think we could come to some sort of arrangement..."
Kasumi made a face. "That's disgusting."
"Nobody asked you!" Yamazaki snapped.
King smiled coyly, putting one hand down next to her hip. She crossed her fingers, where only Kasumi could see them. "Maybe, Yamazaki, we can talk it over... in private?"
"Are you serious?" Yamazaki said, leaning forward.
"Of course not. Venom Strike!"
"I knew it." King had underestimated how fast Yamazaki really was. He ducked underneath the desk, letting the Strike blow a chunk out of the wall behind him. King flipped over the desk, driving her leg down after him, and nearly got his knife in her stomach. Yamazaki slipped under the desk and pushed upward, tipping it over; King rolled backward, and came up on her feet.
"It's not gonna be that easy, Yamazaki," King snarled. "I'll take care of this bastard, Kasumi. Grab my brother!"
"I'm afraid that's not a valid option, King."
"Andy?" King said, turning halfway around.
"No, not Andy, and if you don't stop fighting and sit down, not Kasumi, either." Drew tightened his hold on Kasumi's neck. "Remember, King, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me."
"Who the hell are you?"
"It'd take too damn long to explain, and I'd have to make an answer up anyway." Drew cleared his throat and looked past King. "Yamazaki, put the knife away."
"Since when were you in charge, Bogard?" Yamazaki growled.
"I am not in charge, and I do not pretend to be. I am, however, not going to watch you carve up potential hostages just because you haven't been taking your medication." Drew's eyes narrowed. "Put. Away. The. Knife."
Yamazaki put the knife in his pocket. "What are we gonna do with these two?"
"We have many options," Drew said, "and just one of them is--"
A morningstar smashed through the wall behind him and rapped him smartly on the side of the head. Kasumi instantly broke Drew's chokehold, elbowed him in the gut, and kicked his legs out from under him. Drew crashed to the floor, blood coursing from his scalp.
"Took you long enough, Kull," King said.
"I wasn't expecting you to march right in, lady," Mordos Kull said from the other side of the wall. Another swing of his morningstar split the wall in half, and he stepped through, accompanied by Xiao Long. "This is your brother?" he said, indicating Jan with his chin.
"It is."
"Then all we need do is deal with this trash," Kull said. "A lucky break, that."
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Drew said from the floor. His legs shot up, trailed by blue fire, and knocked both Long and Kull to the ground.
Things happened very quickly after that.
Kasumi hit the floor, rolled away, and came up with a Todo Wave in Yamazaki's general direction, which smashed the desk to kindling, but didn't do anything else worth mentioning. At the same time, Drew flung a Hishoken at Xiao Long, but hit Kasumi, who staggered forward and took Xiao Long's mystic sphere in the back of the head. Mordos went for Yamazaki, but was delayed by the exploding desk, and then by Drew's boot hitting him in the face.
Yamazaki, on the other hand, simply ran for it, with Jan slung over his back. The door to the suite impeded him for exactly one second.
"Damn it, would someone stop him?" King yelled. "He's got my brother!"
Mordos tried to turn away from Drew for long enough to say something, but got a Zaneiken in the stomach before that was an option.
"Would someone ... oh, SCREW IT! TRAP SHOT!" King kicked the bejesus out of Drew and jumped over his body, running hell-for-leather after Yamazaki.
Drew stood back up, and looked back and forth, from Kasumi, to Mordos, to Xiao Long. He frowned. "Well, that went to hell real quick, didn't it?"
"Surrender, whoever you are!" Kasumi yelled. "We have you outnumbered!"
"Give me a second, and I'll do something about that."
*****
RETURN OF THE SILLY MATCH:
SILENT HILL
messily disposes of
EDDY GORDO (T3),
29 to 11, with 10 abstentions.
ELIMINATIONS: Yoshi, Cap, Rogue: 2. Mary, Ken, Yuri, Ryo, Dan, Hanzo, Guy: 1.
CURRENT ELIMINATIONS LEADERS: Captain America 10, King 7, Ryu 6, Chun Li 5, Heavy D! 5, Guy 4.
CURRENT ELIMINATIONS LEADERS (LIFETIME, ALL UVRs): Haohmaru 35, Guy 21, Chun Li 18, Ryu 14, King 13, Morrigan 12.
DON'T TEMPT ME: "85. KABUKI JO (WG) - DIE (is this Jo from "Facts of Life"? Is Mrs. Garrett a mystery fighter?)"
UM... WHAT?: Guy, our former champ, is out with a comparatively small four eliminations; Bishamon, the favorite for champ, barely managed three. I can't wait to see how the voters treat Haohmaru...
See you next round!
Bangin':
Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde
Kickin':
Christopher "Birdman" Bird
Sorted:
Isaac "Mimic" Sher
Safe:
Scott "Silverbolt" Archer
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