From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sat Jun 7 09:55:05 1997 Date: Sat, 7 Jun 1997 06:35:12 -0700 (PDT) To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: roozbehNoSpam@NoSpamwco.com (Roozbeh Chubak) Subject: BMW: Lost in Translation Reply-To: roozbehNoSpam@NoSpamwco.com (Roozbeh Chubak) At 11:23 AM 6/7/97, Robert at OTL reports: >FYI: BMW AG's R12C press kit says the boxer "has been a myth since 1923." Thass beaurtiful! Regards, Roozbeh _______________________________________________________________________ Roozbeh Chubak AMA #552002 Village Idiot Idiologue BMWOA #38643 Flatulist Extraordinaire Berkeley, CA BMWRA #21280 BOOF #1 '96 R1100GS, '90 R100RT DoD #6666 SOD #20 ======================================================================= From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sat Jun 7 08:58:09 1997 Date: Sat, 7 Jun 1997 08:30:36 -0700 From: rwilesNoSpam@NoSpammail1.com (Roger Wiles) Subject: BMW: Faster Than Light-Speed! To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Reply-To: rwilesNoSpam@NoSpammail1.com (Roger Wiles) 20 COOL THINGS ABOUT A BMW THAT GOES FASTER THAN THE SPPED OF LIGHT: 20. Sleep till noon, get to work by 8am! 19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green. 18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdeameanor in most states. 17. Never have radio on long enuff to hear an entire Madonna song. 16. Stephen Hawking keeps bugging you for a ride. 15. No one can see you pick your nose while you ride. 14. Lunch breaks in San Francisco, circa 1849. 13. LA to Las Vegas in 2 nanoseconds. 12. You don't have to worry about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work. 11. You'll be so thin while riding that you can even wear horiziontal stripes. 10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you. 9. Your radar profile makes a parked cop-car with a radar gun actually back up. 8. Bugs never see you coming. 7. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhDs in Quantum Physics. 6. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen. 5. Can open a pizza delivery chain with the slogan, "It's there Before You Order, Or It's FREE!" 4. Can go touring BEFORE the Oscar Grope blue-hairs-in- Buicks are even born. 3. No helmet needed - get up before you fall down. 2. License plate reads; ME=MC2 1. Chicks dig it! (Adapted from Bill Howard's column "End Piece" in the June `97 BMW CCA "Roundel" magazine.) From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jun 9 08:28:22 1997 Date: Mon, 9 Jun 1997 06:59:20 -0500 (CDT) From: "Thomas E. Haynes" To: Bob DeHaney Cc: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: Improving Performance Reply-To: "Thomas E. Haynes" On Mon, 9 Jun 1997, Bob DeHaney wrote: > > Reading all these threads about tire life,suspension improvements, gas > mileage, etc. I think that we should all remember that the cheapest and best > way to improve the total bike's performance is to lighten the rider and/or > passenger loading. It's also healthier. > Bob... I was a bicycle mechanic for 7 years while I was in grad school (and getting it paid for). We had a rule that the heavier the customer, the more he would be willing to pay for a light bike. These guys would go nuts over single ferrule rims and alloy nipples to save grams when they could stand to drop a good 40 pounds and needed to get out there and put in a few miles. Regards... Tom (no room to talk) Haynes Murfreesboro, TN From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jun 9 22:04:46 1997 From: "Craig Littlefield" To: Subject: BMW: Cruiser clothes Date: Mon, 9 Jun 1997 18:39:22 -0700 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "Craig Littlefield" BMW now has a catalog of new accessories and clothes for the cruiser. Included are: Baseball hats with the BMW logo front and back so you can wear it backwards. Electric halter tops Leathers with no sleeves A full collection of wash off tattoos Helmets with a built in pony tail Full face goggles Heated gloves with no fingers Rain gear. Includes only short shorts Official scarves with in BMW colors half liter tank bags Check the catalog for details Craig Littlefield Tucson AZ From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Tue Jun 10 15:03:04 1997 From: GWBDMBNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Date: Tue, 10 Jun 1997 14:42:05 -0400 (EDT) To: jlaiiiNoSpam@NoSpamteleport.com, bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: Wife strikes again! Reply-To: GWBDMBNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com In a message dated 97-06-09 09:56:26 EDT, jlaiiiNoSpam@NoSpamteleport.com (Shibumi) writes: << >I will take redundancy every time! With or with a little Merlot that is >redundantly advised by my doc every time I see him, I think. I have client parents and staff who are forever saying or thinking the words "I *thought* I *told* you ....". I gave them an I aphorism that I invented to help ease their angst: "Redundancy is normative." Believe it or believe it. -John >> "Redundancy is normative" Today it is your quote John, tomorrow it will be mine. I do thank yah. Gately Bartlett Acwoth Ga From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Wed Jun 11 00:55:00 1997 From: GWBDMBNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Date: Wed, 11 Jun 1997 00:29:03 -0400 (EDT) To: awolkoffNoSpam@NoSpamnospam.visi.com, James_F_Brown_at_4H-MAIL3BNoSpam@NoSpamccgate.hac.com Cc: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: "Poverty" vs. "No Money" Reply-To: GWBDMBNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com In a message dated 97-06-11 00:25:42 EDT, awolkoffNoSpam@NoSpamnospam.visi.com (Adam Wolkoff) writes: << > Remember, a motorcycle (and a tankfull of gas) will get you through > times of no money much better than money will get you through times > of no motorcycle. >> Well said! gately From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sat Jun 14 10:30:02 1997 From: WXPNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 10:04:52 -0400 (EDT) To: vijntNoSpam@NoSpamam.vesta.umc.akzonobel.nl, bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: Noise diagnosis Reply-To: WXPNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com In a message dated 97-06-13 22:40:16 EDT, vijntNoSpam@NoSpamam.VESTA.umc.akzonobel.nl (VIJNT) writes: << When after about 20 km the engine is really hot ,(or better the gearbox)i hear a ticking/knocking noise at idle. When i pull the clutch the sounds is gone. Does any body have any idea >> I get the same thing, been doin it since I stopped remembering, some guy tried to tell me it was an engine knock, but I showed him and he still insisted it was the engine. I guess he was just trying to screw on price when I tried to sell the bike in a moment of weakness. A bit of advice, if you do think about selling your only Beemer, decide on your price and stick to it, I'm glad I did, still got the bike ([;-)... Later, Walt... From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jun 16 10:21:32 1997 Date: Mon, 16 Jun 1997 08:45:41 -0400 (EDT) From: Rick Povich To: Tom Keen Cc: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com, bmwmoaNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: FATHER'S DAY IBMWR Marketplace has been updated 6/15/97 X: I'd rather be two-wheelin' Reply-To: Rick Povich On Sun, 15 Jun 1997, Tom Keen wrote: [nasty knife blade snip] > My son gave me a Leatherman Tool. [bone saw snip...] > With my Leatherman Tool I did: > A valve adjustment > spline lube > tire change > headlight adjustment > a full 6000 mile service (I did have to buy the oil and parts) > recovered the seat (with leather of course) > and.......fixed my cracked Krauser bags.. > > around the house I used the Leatherman Tool to: > > Plant a couple flats of petunias (red) > fix the back screen door > clean the furnace fan > glaze a couple of windows > plaster a crack in a ceiling > neuter a cat > .....and fix the leaking toilet in the basement I know for a fact Tom's lying. He's not figured out how to open the Leatherman yet. If he did open the tool, he'd have immediately and neatly cut off the tip of his finger like the rest of us. ;^) Rick Povich ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rick Povich University of Pittsburgh Media Producer Audiovisual Department SHUTTER+NoSpam@NoSpamPITT.EDU (814) 269-7103 Johnstown, Pa. 15904 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> < It's not whether you screw up, > < but how you recover that counts > < Squid Factor:18.99 DoD#032653 > <1976 R90/6 1981 R100RT 1991 R100GS/PD > < Paris Daycare Mudbog and Dirt Flingin' Society > < http://www.pitt.edu/~shutter > < N 40 17.697 W 78 59.867 > < Rambling, Chronically Bored #1 > <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Jun 20 02:56:14 1997 From: "John Outlan" To: "Terence R. Evans, M.D." , Subject: BMW: Re: Bassackwards tyres... Re: Directional arrows Date: Thu, 19 Jun 1997 09:43:50 -0400 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "John Outlan" ---------- > From: Terence R. Evans, M.D. > To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com > Subject: BMW: Bassackwards tyres... Re: Directional arrows > Date: Wednesday, June 18, 1997 5:04 PM > > > At 02:42 PM 6/18/97 +0000, "Diaz Jon" wrote: > > >Ask T-Mia about the need to pay attention to directional arrows on a tire. > >I think he rode 33K on a tire that was mounted incorrectly. > > > >Jon Diaz > SNIP........ > > Just don't have this setup around Prez Scott "Bizzy Body" Adams who'll > inform the whole campground of your 'backward tyre'. > > Seriously, *I* had no idea mine was mounted like that for so long (< a year) > - I just marveled at how long it was lasting - then Scott came along... > > If you ever see anyone at a rally crawling around inspecting tire arrows, > say "hello > Scott!!" > Just for the IBMWR history book: Actually, I was standing right there when Scott discovered this. It happened in front of the Frank Winery on one of the Finger Lakes. LMFAO when Terry emphatically claimed, "It CAN'T be mounted backwards...it's been that way for 30 thousand miles!!" Then Terry got down on his knees, and 'oh shiiiiiittttt...' The general consensus was that Terry should mount his next tire bassackwards, also with that kind of mileage. :-))))) ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ John H. Outlan - Lake Mary, FL (Orlando) joutlanNoSpam@NoSpamiag.net 1995 BMW R1100GS "El Buey" (Black) Windows NT4.0! Prez, Village Idiot, FOG #3, RA, MOA, AMA... Associate Member - Central Florida Beeline Beemers ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ From wfNoSpam@NoSpamwebbnet.com Fri Jun 20 19:35:43 1997 From: Wayne Friedman To: "'chay'" , "'chris'" , "'dave'" , "'debbie'" , "'jeff'" , "'john'" To: "'jp'" , "'kimball'" , "'mike'" , "'mo'" , "'ned'" , "'paul'" To: "'phillipe'" , "'rah'" , "'tom'" , "'warner'" Subject: joke... Date: Fri, 20 Jun 1997 16:24:02 -0700 A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "But I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. "You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend, and on the first tee, was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?" "No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 5 inches from the cup!" "And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly. "No, no.." The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt." From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jun 23 23:18:51 1997 Date: Mon, 23 Jun 1997 23:09:17 -0400 (EDT) Date-Warning: Date header was inserted by WIZARD.FIRN.EDU From: "Gregory D. Pink" Subject: BMW: Fw: Humor Break To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com, hayswNoSpam@NoSpammarlin.nosc.mil, haysNoSpam@NoSpamznet.com, diazNoSpam@NoSpamcae.cig.mot.com, MMCornettNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, EsquireTedNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Reply-To: "Gregory D. Pink" An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Greg "Bounce II" Pink Reindeer Riders BOOF-(it's time to accept my advancing age and decreasing intellect) SOD #4 *************************************************************************** * "I ride, therefore I am." ***** R1100RT->Descartes-The Continent Killer * * ----------------------------------------------------------------------- * *Greg Pink->The Pink-man ----------------The Continental Breakfast Killer * ***********************pink_gNoSpam@NoSpampopmail.firn.edu **************************** From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Tue Jun 24 22:48:02 1997 From: GWBDMBNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 22:31:38 -0400 (EDT) To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: BMW: chicken/no mc/ Reply-To: GWBDMBNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from ' Feathers" the publication of the California Industry federation, telling the following story. It seems the US federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that is the windshield doesn't crack the carcasses impact, it will survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new , speedy locomotive they're developing. The Brits borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher , loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke through an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: " Use a thawed chicken." Not sure what this has to do with any thing other then I found it amusing at the moment. Gately Bartlett From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Thu Jun 26 15:35:26 1997 Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 14:14:43 -0500 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: Cal Swallow Subject: Re: BMW: Lust in My Heart Reply-To: Cal Swallow At 01:37 P 6/26/97 -0500, you wrote: > > >I must confess that I have seldom been so affected by a new motorcycle, >but the K1200RS, with sincere apologies to my aging Bumblebee, brought >unrequited lust into my heart. > >Lee Freedman > >"A man's range of interest should exceed the reach of his senses". > LEE, STOP. DON'T DO IT. Think how the Bumblebee will react. I've had a talk with my R11 and we have reached a compromise. She will let me look at the K1200 RS. I can pick up a brochure. I can briefly touch. I can sit on one (if the key has been removed) and make various motor sounds. I am STRICTLY BANNED from any test rides. She has promisedl, in return, to cut back on the surging and not to get tranny indegestion this season. I ain't perfection but we have a commitment here. I know too well what could happen to you. My "old" has been depressed snd sneers at me since I started cavorting around with the R11. You have been warned. Cal Swallow NOTICE: Due to inflation, my $.02 worth is now Quincy, IL now going for $.03. BMWMOA # 65821 1985 K100 LT Grey Primer (don't ask) 1994 R1100 RSL (so I'm fickle) Turkisgrun Met. (fastest color) From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Thu Jun 26 15:44:19 1997 Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 15:19:22 -0400 From: williamsNoSpam@NoSpamct.picker.com (Bert Williams) To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: BMW: Chicken Cannon (or Hitting Birds on the Bike) X-Sun-Charset: US-ASCII Reply-To: williamsNoSpam@NoSpamct.picker.com (Bert Williams) Eilert H. "Buster" Moldenhauer asked for stories regarding motorcyclist/bird collisions. i thought i'd stir the pot on this one: 1) about this time of year about 20 years ago i was test driving a "yamasuzkawda" for a friend. i was going wfo down the road when i saw a blur or red to my right. it was a redbird (or "cardinal"). i was fortunate enough to duck my head slightly -- the bird hit beak first in the center of the front of the helmet, spraying blood and feathers all over me and the bike. the bird and the helmet were toast, but the bike and i survived. this bird was small, but it was in Alabama ;-). 2) i've had two run-ins with pheasants -- one on a 750 honda in minnesota that flew between the front wheel and the engine; and one in ohio that flew out from the side of the road and lodged in the crash bar of my k100. pheasants are rather large birds (about 3-5 lbs) and _will_ cause rapid, unexpected bike motion. neither incident caused me to go down; however, both caused me to take a 15-20 minute rest to remove the adrenaline from my system (:0). lessons learned: 1) birds hurt a lot more than bees, june bugs, or rain. 2) be prepared for anything always. 3) you really can't eat a roadkill pheasant. there's not much left to gnaw on. bert williams '85 k100 (needs plugs) '75 /6 (working on seat) From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sat Jun 28 11:15:43 1997 Date: Sat, 28 Jun 1997 09:54:48 -0400 (EDT) Date-Warning: Date header was inserted by WIZARD.FIRN.EDU From: "Gregory D. Pink" Subject: BMW: You think you're having a bad day... To: MMCornettNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, freedmanNoSpam@NoSpamblue.weeg.uiowa.edu, bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com, hayswNoSpam@NoSpammarlin.nosc.mil, haysNoSpam@NoSpamznet.com, Pink_GNoSpam@NoSpampopmail.firn.edu, EsquireTedNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, lgfcoNoSpam@NoSpamerols.com, ArmoredVehNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Reply-To: "Gregory D. Pink" The following was taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sat Jun 28 15:11:12 1997 X-Sent-Via: StarNet http://www.azstarnet.com/ From: "Rob Lentini" To: "IBMWR" , "Oilhead" Subject: BMW: Fw: Speeding??? Date: Sat, 28 Jun 1997 11:49:32 -0600 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "Rob Lentini" Try this on your next "stop"... Rob Lentini Tucson, AZ (520) 790-8865 (H), (520) 295-6411 (B) '94 R 1100 RS Three Flags 97 #205 MSF, BMWMOA, BMWRA, IOC, AMA BMWMOA Board Member "Elect" "LET'S RIDE MORE AND POLITIC LESS" > Subject: Speeding??? > Date: Wednesday, June 25, 1997 10:28 PM > > While travelling home from a business trip a man travelling at 60 miles > an > hour in a 45 mile an hour zone topped a hill just in time to see a state > trooper turn on his flashing red and blue lights. As the police car > pulled > out behind the man's car the man thought to himself, "I can out run this > guy," and increased his speed to 70 miles an hour. With the police car > still in pursuit he accelerated to 80, then 90, then 100 miles an hour. > Before long he decided it was of no hope and pulled over to the side of > the > road. > > The officer walked up to the side of the man's vehicle and shouted, "I > have > had a very bad day and am in no mood to stand out here in this heat > giving > you a ticket. Just give me a good reason why you were driving so fast > and > I'll let you go." > > The man thought for a minute, then said, "Well, officer, my wife left me > about three weeks ago for a state trooper. When I saw your lights come > on, I thought you were him and you were trying to bring her back." > > The officer let him go. > From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jun 30 22:49:27 1997 To: bmw_r850rNoSpam@NoSpamProdigy.Net Cc: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: The cost of love X-Juno-Line-Breaks: 0,2-18 From: markcrowderNoSpam@NoSpamjuno.com (Mark A Crowder) Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 22:15:37 EDT Reply-To: markcrowderNoSpam@NoSpamjuno.com (Mark A Crowder) On Sun, 29 Jun 1997 17:33:26 -0700 bmw_r850r writes: [price list snipped] >And it's still not over. I HAVE to get a new seat, more luggage, and >pay to get the charcol filter moved so the bags can fit. Also, >Geblings clothes, a leather jackets, and a few more things I can't >think of now. Is it worth it? My heart says yes, but my head >says no. Dear Robin, Rationalizations are for OTHER people. Never attempt to use them on yourself. Here in the land of cheap gas, the only reason to buy a new BMW is because you WANT one. You may have rationalized some other reason, but that's why you really did it. Wallow in it! Mark Crowder Garland, TX markcrowderNoSpam@NoSpamjuno.com We're the ones you're mother warned you about From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Tue Jul 1 00:53:55 1997 Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 22:02:51 -0600 (MDT) From: "Bryan Lally (lallyNoSpam@NoSpamlanl.gov)" To: a.skeatesNoSpam@NoSpamirl.cri.nz Cc: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: BMW: chicken/no BMW Reply-To: "Bryan Lally (lallyNoSpam@NoSpamlanl.gov)" Andrew Skeates's keyboard spoke: > Oh No, Flying Chickens, > > Despite the urban myths which have grown up around this thread the > basic fact of using poultry to mimic in-flight impacts is true. Many > tests were devised to mimic the effect of "bird-strike" on aircraft > parts. > > I am a research engineer specialising in composite materials. When I > worked in the European Aerospace industry in the 80s we had to get > type-approval for various CFRP aircraft components. One major > drawback with composites is the characteristic of BVID (Barely > Visible Impact Damage) whereby progressive low level impacts can > seriously weaken a structure. We had to subject the CFRP parts to an > intensive test regime including impact susceptability. One such test > involved using a compressed air tube to fire poultry at the test > piece which was mounted as if in service. For example, if we were [snip] Here's some more info. I used to work for General Electric, in the Aircraft Engine Group, Evendale, Ohio. Yup, they used to shoot various birds into engines, to see if the engines would come apart. Cruelty to animals led to the "simulated gelatin starling test." Jello, of approximately the same mass as a starling was shot down the pipe. Another friend in the business worked for Garrett, making little turbines. They load a 3lb. chicken in the air cannon, get everything ready for shooting the bird at a running jet engine, and go to lunch. They come back, start the engine, shoot the 3lb. load, and the whole thing blows up. The containment around the engine holds, but the engine is wrecked. This wasn't supposed to happen. Luckily, they were taking high-speed video of the test. So, they're looking at the video frame by frame. There goes the chicken. Uh-oh, what's that? One of the guys says, in his best tweety bird voice "I tought I taw a putty tat. I _did_ see a putty tat." Sure enough, a cat had climbed into the cannon, and was having chicken for lunch, when it got the surprise of it's (soon to be ended) life. The engine wasn't supposed to survive a ~12lb. load. - Bryan From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Thu Jul 3 08:56:36 1997 Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 12:46:44 -0600 (MDT) From: D&J To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: BMW: Some of the Tools In My Garage Reply-To: D&J Flagrantly cribbed from the CBR list... HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. Angela - 89 CBR600 Dick Taylor - Classy Guy hetchinsNoSpam@NoSpammontana.com Live and lean. From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Thu Jul 3 22:50:13 1997 Date: Thu, 03 Jul 1997 19:27:56 -0700 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: Damun Gracenin Subject: BMW: re: Why Boxer? Reply-To: Damun Gracenin Rooz rote: >Not close, no ceegar. It is because the way the pistons move to and away >from each other it is like two people boxing. Boffing. When two people Box, one bites the other's ears off. Joe Denton wrote: >How does a shaft-drive imply the name "boxer", you ask? Exactly. Cylinders, pistons, lubrication, shaft drive.. The flat twin is like two people Boffing. Now, here's the Real Story: Horizontal opposition was a custom amongst natives in the British Empire, hence the term, "Boxer Rebellion," which is now more or less the permanent state of Airheads. Perfectly logical, ne c'est pas? -- Damun _________________ Damun Gracenin San Francisco R100GS (Redhawk) R75/5 (Sidney Amber) _____________________ From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Jul 4 00:47:06 1997 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Cc: flafrankNoSpam@NoSpamworldnet.att.net, bmw10NoSpam@NoSpamhotmail.com, bfitlerNoSpam@NoSpamnetscape.com, BMWDALENoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, bmw1rsNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, lenNoSpam@NoSpammotorcycle.com, innovative-optionsNoSpam@NoSpamworldnet.att.net, wlinkerNoSpam@NoSpambellsouth.net, cgestNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, r80daveNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, JMO1969NoSpam@NoSpamworldnet.att.net, mpaparellaNoSpam@NoSpamworld.att.net Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 00:04:48 -0400 Subject: BMW: joke, no BMW X-Juno-Line-Breaks: 0,5,9,13,16-20,22-23,25 From: myleslewisNoSpam@NoSpamjuno.com (Myles B Lewis) Reply-To: myleslewisNoSpam@NoSpamjuno.com (Myles B Lewis) Heard this at work and felt I had to share it! The CIA, FBI, and LAPD were arguing which one was the best police force in the country. They took the discussion to the White House and the President agreed to a test. The President had a rabbit released in the woods and said whoever caught the rabbit in the shortest time was the winner. The CIA released animal informants into the woods, questioned all the plant and mineral witnesses, and attempted to subvert other animals. After 3 months with no results, the CIA decided there were no such thing as rabbits. The FBI went into the woods and after 2 weeks, burned the woods down, killing all inhabitants including the rabbit. They issued a press release saying "No apology would be forthcoming; and yes, the rabbit deserved it. The LAPD went in and 2 hours later came back out dragging a very large and badly bruised and beaten bear. The bear was screaming, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." Enjoy, Myles ******************************* Myles B. Lewis---Bradenton, Florida, USA---Riding OL' Yeller--- A 1978 BMW R100/7-black & yellow, converted to a home made RT or RC or R?? IBMWR---BMWMOA #71292---BMWRA #20505---AMA #443756---Florida SunBeemers You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to roll over & bark, you really have something! From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Jul 4 15:36:59 1997 From: "JOHN SHELTON" To: Subject: BMW: Humor-no BMW Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 13:10:07 -0500 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "JOHN SHELTON" A Japanese company and an American co. had a boat race; The Japanese won by a mile. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediatly restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager, six managment consultants and one rower. In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the American company fired the rower. Live each day as if it were your last, because one of these days you'll be right! Best to all -- Papajohn From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jul 7 21:35:08 1997 Date: Mon, 07 Jul 1997 22:10:58 -0300 To: , From: vnetworkNoSpam@NoSpamnbnet.nb.ca (vnetwork) Subject: BMW: Justice Prevails in America, and other Cycle Canada Articles Reply-To: vnetworkNoSpam@NoSpamnbnet.nb.ca (vnetwork) Hi all, Following is a dirct quote from the Cycle Canada magazine, July 1997 issue, page 6 : quote: "Toronto lawyer Paul Copeland, a member of the Illegals Motorcycle Club, put his plea-bargaining skills to use last year after getting nailed in New York State for travelling 81 mph in a 65 zone on his BMW. First he convinced the State Trooper to knock down the ticket to a 74 mph violation to avoid demerit points on his Ontario record. Next Copeland ticked off the not-guilty plea on his ticket and mailed it in. He received a notice from the Town Justice of the case against him, and wrote asking if he could make a nolo contendere plea to pay a fine without a conviction being registered, to avoid insurance penalties. The Justice offered to accept a plea of "failure to obey a traffic control device,: but Copeland wrote back saying this would still result in demerit points. The Justice phoned back with another offer: plead guilty to a parking violation and pay a $125 fine. Copeland tried to get that reduced to $100, unsuccessfully. He was thus convicted of a parking offence in Avoca, NY. Parking at 81 mph, maybe - but justice prevails in America." unquote. BTW, there is a review of the K1200RS and one of the F650. Both articles are positive. They sum up the K1200RS article by saying On the positve side - A big, big step forward in K-engine power, smoothness and refinement - ABS brakes matched to Telelever fron end works very well - Comfortable, stable and willing on a long fast excursion On the negative side: - Turnsignal switches are a new landmark in ill-conceived design - Fuel range limited for a bike that likes to stretch its legs - On occasion, the sheer dead weight of it all suddenly becomes apparent For the F650 they say On the positve side: - Strong-performing single with good top-end power and minimal vibration - Riding position is comfortable, roomy and practical for short trips or touring - Finish quality is good; three year warranty is confidence inspiring On the negative side: - Price of CDN$9,350 (remeber this is Canada) makes this one very expensive dual-purpose bike - Given the suspension travel, it should offer a plusher ride over pavement - Transmission self-selects for neutral on occasion, at a stop or during 1-2 shift Regards Robert From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Thu Jul 10 08:59:32 1997 Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 08:41:31 -0400 From: "Smith, Kris M." Subject: BMW: New England Ride To: "'ibmwr list'" Cc: "'Claire E. McHatton'" X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "Smith, Kris M." For those who dare, The Granite State BMW Riders will be holding (?) a Dominatrix Ride on July 26th. Briefly here are the stats: DESTINATION: The Farmers Market, Montpelier, VT TIME: Before noon (Market closes at noon & you'd miss out on great baked goods, produce etc. so bring those hard bags). POINT OF EMBARKATION: Your house. THE POINT: To have as many bikes and chicks in the unsuspecting town of Montpelier. CHICKS RULE: You must either be a Chick, bring a Chick or dress like a Chick in order to go on this ride. Barring these you will be parted from some of your cash & it will be donated to the Breast Cancer Research Fund. DOMINATRIX ADVICE: Leather is more breathable than vinyl. Most whips will fit in a tank bag. Handcuffs can double as a helmet lock! Kris Smith Londonderry, NH 96 R11RS - Blue Bombshell GSBMWR, MOA PS. If you haven't noticed, this is tongue in cheek. Please don't make the mistake a couple of other New England BMW clubs have made; one tried to turn it into a ride for breast cancer & another tried to turn it into an ERA rally! Come on guys! Get a sense of humor already! Come to the ride & don't be a Chick-en! From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Jul 11 01:14:23 1997 Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 23:51:19 -0500 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: Don MacQueen Subject: BMW: K12 "Off the Record" Reply-To: Don MacQueen Apologies to the Prezzes who have already read this, but I almost fell off the john when I read Peter Jones' comment at the end of the K1200RS road test: (w/o permission): "It's one of those age-old questions: Sure it's cute and has a great personality, but can I live with that fat ass?" ____________________________________ Don MacQueen, Shelby NC -"Man, we've got too much time on our hands!" '95 R1100RS '75 R90/6 '93 GSF 400 Bandit ____________________________________ From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Wed Jul 16 11:51:19 1997 Date: Wed, 16 Jul 97 11:40:35 EDT X-Priority: 3 (Normal) To: From: "Bob Stoll, Systems Engineer" Subject: BMW: A little humor... X-Incognito-Sn: 946 X-Incognito-Format: VERSION=2.01a ENCRYPTED=NO Reply-To: "Bob Stoll, Systems Engineer" This was forwarded to me by someone in my office. Enjoy... ------------- Original Text There was this man who wanted to buy a motorcycle. As he is looking for one, he finds one that is areal beauty. It is a classic 1969 BMW, = but looks just like it was made yesterday. The man asks the owner how he kept it in such good shape, and the owner said "Simple, I keep a small tube of Vaseline with me at all times and cover every metal part as = soon as it looks like it is going to rain." Well, the man buys the motorcycle, and drives it home. It also happens that he just recently started dating his girlfriend, and he is going to = the parents that evening to meet them for the first time. His girlfriend = tells him that when he gets to her parents house, he is not to talk = during dinner, or he will have to do the dishes. He thinks, so, whats a = few dishes.They ride his new motorcycle to the parents house. When they = get there, the first thing he notices are the dishes. They are = everywhere. In the hall, the dining room, the kitchen, on the stairs. = Everywhere. It looks as if dishes haven't been done in years. Dinner = starts, and everyone is totally silent. So the man decided he is going = to have a little fun, see if he can get someone to talk. He grabs his = girlfriend, throws her on the middle of the table, and has sex with her. = No one says a word. So he grabs his girlfriends mother, throws her on = the table, and then starts to have sex with her. Still, no one says a = word. After a little while, he notices that it looks like it is going to = rain. He takes the tube of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly, the girfriend's father yells "OK, OK, I'll do the dishes!" -- >From the desk of Bob Stoll, Senior Systems Engineer Electronic Systems of Richmond 703.243.4646 (Voice) 703.243.0660 (Fax) bobNoSpam@NoSpamesr.com "Good judgement comes from Experience. Experience comes from bad judgement" -- Mark Twain From pink_gNoSpam@NoSpampopmail.firn.edu Wed Jul 16 20:16:20 1997 Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 20:20:24 -0400 (EDT) Date-warning: Date header was inserted by WIZARD.FIRN.EDU From: "Gregory D. Pink" Subject: Re: BMW: Cruiser people To: thundtNoSpam@NoSpamslack.net At 01:06 AM 7/16/97 -0400, you wrote: >And tattoos can be quite appealing -- depending on their location >and the woman in question... :-) Now we're talking. Rather than get a tattoo of a woman, just get a woman with a tattoo. :-0 From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Thu Jul 17 00:45:38 1997 Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 00:32:49 -0400 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: Charles Sturtevant Subject: Re: BMW: V-1 Reply-To: Charles Sturtevant At 07:43 AM 7/14/97 -0700, Mark Gensman wrote: >Not the V-1. I figured that on my trip last week it saved >me not less than $1,000 in tickets. I was blowing past a couple of hot >shoe Harley guys going up a hill towards Lake Tahoe at about 90 when I >got the blap. I locked up the ABS and they went roaring by laughing. The >Nevada State trooper at the top of the hill had them on the side of the >road as I motored by at 50. Laughing... Maybe there is a God. CS From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jul 21 16:49:17 1997 Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 16:29:35 -0400 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: James Colburn Subject: BMW: Deer alarms Reply-To: James Colburn >Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 12:05:13 -0400 (EDT) >From: CFACTORNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com >Are those deer alarms that attach to car/motorcycles any good? For God's sake make sure that you mount them correctly. I put a pair on backwards and deer kept following me down the road until I figured out what I'd done wrong. Jim Colburn (aka james.colburnNoSpam@NoSpampressroom.com) Photo Editor/BMW Rider "On Time And Off Balance" From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jul 21 17:00:17 1997 X-Sent-Via: StarNet http://www.azstarnet.com/ From: "Rob Lentini" To: Cc: "Steve Aikens" , "Howard Schultz" , "Mick McKinnon" , "IBMWR" , "Jeff Dean at home" Subject: BMW: Re: Sorry I missed you (at Paonia, "the most conspicuous person at the rally") Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 13:42:51 -0600 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "Rob Lentini" "The Most Conspicuous Person at the Rally", or...??? > Hi Rob, > > Matthew and I got back from the Top 'o the Rockies rally last night.....had a > wonderful time, hope you did too. I'm really sorry our paths never crossed. > A number of times during the rally someone told me you had just been where I > was....when I looked, you were gone. Then, Saturday night at the awards > ceremony, I got up to get Matt a chair to sit in and heard them announce the > award for "The Most Conspicuous Person at the Rally." It was you. I hurried > back so I could see you but you must have left rather abruptly. Sigh. I > looked for you later in the evening but you weren't around. Hope you had a > good ride home. > > Susanna And I wasn't even there!!! I mean it. I've been bolted down at work and could not attend. Here's the scoop: I put in an order for two name tags at the national about two hours before the oilhead tech seminar I was part of. The seminar started, then here comes Jeff Dean handing me one of the two I had ordered. That's cool; thanks Jeff. Then Howard Schultz, an internet friend, sits down in the front row of all the oilhead attendees. I see MY name on him. That's cool too; thanks for bringing the other! Then a minute or so later I see Mick McKinnon and Steve Aikens ALL with "Rob Lentini" name tags. I'd been had and it was fun! They could hardly keep from laughing in front of the audience. So you see, that's why reports were I was at Paonia. Were they good reports???? Plz say yes!!!! BTW, Jeff wasn't in on the joke, though it sure seemed so. :))) Rob From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Tue Jul 22 19:48:10 1997 From: "Bob Stoll" To: Subject: BMW: Re: 2mm? Toss it! Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 19:34:08 -0400 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "Bob Stoll" ---------- > From: burketNoSpam@NoSpamirwin.vetrol.com > To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com > Subject: BMW: 2mm? Toss it! > Date: Tuesday, July 22, 1997 7:14 PM > >Traditionally center tread wears > more quickly than side tread (duh!!) because unless you spend lots and > lots of time weaving down curvy roads (almost to the exclusion of all > else), the tire will remain primarily upright rolling down the road. That reminds me of a story: The first week I had my "new" K75S (with 4,400 miles on it) I took it to the store. As I was heading back to my bike after doing some shopping I look across the parking lot towards my my noble steed and what do I see? Some woman who was in her 70's driving a mid-70's American-made Land Yacht backing straight towards my bike! She saw it at the last second and hit the brakes, but her bumper just nudged my rear tire and pushed the bike off the center stand! =8-O I expected to see my beautiful scooter go crashing to the ground, but it didn't. It stayed perfectly upright, and rolled forward about a foot or so before coming to a graceful stop. At first I thought it was some kind of super-duper feat of BMW engineering that prevented my bike from falling over, but then it hit me (no, not the bike), the rear tire was worn flat in the center and the combination of it and the centerstand still paritally dragging on the ground is what saved it. I'm just thankful I didn't lock the steering or put on a wheel lock! -- >From the basement of Bob Stoll Fort Washington, MD, USA '97 Prelude '93 K75S '80 R65 "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.: --Mark Twain From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Wed Jul 23 12:57:46 1997 X-Routed: Wed, 23 Jul 1997 12:39:30 -0500 X-Tcp-Identity: Dandy Date: Wed, 23 Jul 1997 12:38:59 -0400 From: "Daniel H. Toth" To: Charles Lanczkowski Cc: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: Re: Little BMW:Dogs, Moose, and Signs Reply-To: "Daniel H. Toth" Charles Lanczkowski wrote: > > Sure, I break for Moose. But what's the deal with Oklahoma??? Two > signs were repeated as I motored to the National. I hane to wonder what > part of the wild west I passed through: > > "Hitchhikers May Be Escaped Convicts" > > and > > "Do Not Drive Into Smoke" > > Loaded as I was, I couldn't pick up an escaped convict if I wanted to > (except that I would have stopped to at least watch the Colburn and (fill > in your favorite flamee here) encounter, and lend assistance as required. > > As for the second sign, is this a reference to wildfires or do the Okies > occaisionally hold a bonfire/weiner roast with the proceeds from the > pay-per-ride roads?? Inquiring minds want to know! > > Chuck L. > R50/2 w/hack > K75RT > Fighting ignorants - a daily battle. I remember a trip last year, July somewhere just past Wilkes-Barre, PA where I came upon a sign: "Danger - Falling Rocks Ahead".... then within a 1/4 mile, I came upon a sign: "Danger - Construction Area".... then within 500 feet, another sign: "Danger - "Watch for Deer Crossing"... then within another 500 feet, another sign: "Danger - Trucks Entering Highway".... and then, within just 100 feet or less... I came upon a large sign: "NOTICE - This Area of Highway has been Designated as an Unsafe Roadway"! Hell... I already could tell that! -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIDE SCARED......... BMMRA #1262....BMWMOA #6587 Dan Toth; Warrenville, SC AIRHEADS #2491........IBMWR dtothNoSpam@NoSpamsouthconn.com SLASH 5...............ABATE Lifetime-committed to OA Abstinence!...One-Day-At-A-Time! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Jul 25 14:55:58 1997 Date: Fri, 25 Jul 1997 14:00:34 -0500 To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: walsizNoSpam@NoSpamns2.caro.NET (Maureen O'Farrell) Subject: BMW: aarp shock Reply-To: walsizNoSpam@NoSpamns2.caro.NET (Maureen O'Farrell) You all were shocked when *you* got your AARP cards as soon as you hit your 50th.... Imagine my dismay when my sneaky boyfriend presented me with my very own AARP membership card at only 33 yrs old! (They got him too after his 50th, no doubt my old fart jokes prompted this retaliation :) -Maureen Maureen O'Farrell Walt Sizemore -------------------------------------------------------- >Pearl 1994 R1100RSA >Black 1995 R1100RSLA >White 1988 R100GS -------------------------------------------------------- From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Jul 25 22:42:08 1997 Date: Fri, 25 Jul 1997 09:55:08 -0600 From: John Moore To: SobczykNoSpam@NoSpamwashpost.com, bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: RE: BMW: Armadillos -Reply(NO BMW) Reply-To: John Moore >Not only that, sometimes they jump nearly >straight up when startled. True!!! The "startle response" for armadillos is to jump straight up. Many of the road kills you see would have lived IF THEY JUST WOULD HAVE STAYED PUT and not jumped when the car or truck straddled them! I found out about this response the hard way the first time I tried to catch a dillo. I bent over him (or her -- who can tell from above?) and proceeded to reach down and grab with both hands. As soon as he perceived I was above him -- HE JUMPED. Straight UP into my face! Told the park ranger about this the next day (Okeefenokee [sp] swamp) and he promptly told me -- between laughs -- about their startle response. john From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sun Jul 27 01:48:14 1997 From: "Brent Harritt" To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 22:37:01 +0000 Subject: Re: BMW: Plugs and Surging Reply-To: "Brent Harritt" > Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 20:54:34 -0400 (EDT) > From: bmwmc-digest-approvalNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com (bmw-digest) > To: bmwmc-digestNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com > Subject: bmw-digest V97 #2142 > Reply-to: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Roozbeh wrote, > > Also, is it true, that the Mo-tronic is the third generation effort > after Larry-tronic and Curly-tronic proved to be inadequate? > > > Regards, > Roozbeh Naw! Curly designed the R1100 transmission and Larry did the 3-spoke wheels. Definition -- BMW R1100 Series: A hole in the air surrounded by plastic into which one pours money. ############################################## Brent L. Harritt -- bharrittNoSpam@NoSpamfia.net GOB#1 http://home.fia.net/~bharritt/index.htm 1996 Sinus? Blue R1100RTL -- Bluemax Poway (near San Diego), CA ############################################## From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jul 28 19:53:33 1997 From: "ynotfix" To: "Roger Albert" Cc: "bmwmc" Subject: BMW: Re: GARAGE TERMS - little bmw or guzzi content Date: Mon, 28 Jul 1997 16:27:09 -0700 X-Priority: 3 Reply-To: "ynotfix" Roger; Just to add to your fine Tool Time descriptions: -Timing light: Also used to locate the spin circle of the fan blade. -Hammer: It's also used for precision resizing of parts that are too large for their intended hole. -Knife: Also known for it's tendency to turn and bite it's owner (like a bad dog). -Electric drill: Can also be used to find any loose threads in carpeting, and will pull those threads out in their entirety. -Trouble light; BTW the name "drop light" comes from the action that follows the burn you get from that F******g hot bulb on your arm! -And that long screwdriver(whether a Craftsman or a Snap-On) was designed by an aluminum welder to promote extra business repairing cracked housings and bosses that have hidden bolts! (I know, I'm one of those welders. Ha-ha-haaa) Tony Angco '96 K1100RS, '96 Triumph Trident 900 '84 Honda XLV750R M/C Krazy " If I can just get off of this (DAMN) L.A. freeway...." Thanks to Guy Clark for the quote. ---------- > From: Roger Albert > To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com; MotoGuzziNoSpam@NoSpammicapeak.com; a.bergerNoSpam@NoSpammail.utexas.edu; RA2420NoSpam@NoSpamemail.sps.mot.com; robcNoSpam@NoSpammostro.sps.mot.com; carderNoSpam@NoSpammostro.sps.mot.com; jimcNoSpam@NoSpamlakewood.sps.mot.com; F512MNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com; leah-perleNoSpam@NoSpammail.utexas.edu; smithtNoSpam@NoSpammostro.sps.mot.com; R16069NoSpam@NoSpamemail.sps.mot.com; stonyNoSpam@NoSpammrugacz.com > Subject: BMW: GARAGE TERMS - little bmw or guzzi content > Date: Monday, July 28, 1997 7:10 AM > > > Hi all, > > a little humor for Monday morning. > regards > roger > > =================================================== > Roger Albert (go Illini!) Motorola. Austin, Texas > rogerNoSpam@NoSpammostro.sps.mot.com Wireless/DSP Div. 56xxx > Red Ducati M900 White 65 BMW R60/2 Blue 76 R90/6 > 74 R90/6 Sidecar project now on hold - needs chair > 1973 Moto Guzzi Eldorado restoration now underway! > --------------------------------------------------- > Opinions expressed are always mine --, never Moto's > =================================================== > > > Mechanics Definitions > > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used > as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the > object we are trying to hit. > > MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard > cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes > containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. > > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their > holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar > mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that > goes to the rear axle. > > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board > principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, > and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your > future becomes. > > VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, > they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your > hand. > > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage > cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What > wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy > lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell. > > ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch. > > WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and > motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from > the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason. > > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat > metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and > flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones > poster over the bench grinder. > > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under > the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and > hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django > Reinhardt". > > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you > have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the > jack handle firmly under the front air dam. > > EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a > hydraulic jack. > > TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. > > PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another > hydraulic floor jack. > > SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for > spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. > > E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is > ten times harder than any known drill bit. > > TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on > crankshaft pulleys. > > TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile > strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten > to disconnect. > > CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that > inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without > the handle. > > BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid > from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your > battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. > > AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. > > TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop > light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is > not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main > purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm > howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle > of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. > > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style > paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as > the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. > > AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning > power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that > travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty > suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, > Oxfordshire, and rounds them off. > > > > ----- End Included Message ----- From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Fri Aug 8 17:27:48 1997 From: jfbrownNoSpam@NoSpamCCGATE.HAC.COM Date: Fri, 08 Aug 97 13:57:23 PST8 To: WARUSZEWSKNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Subject: BMW: Re: More white meats Reply-To: jfbrownNoSpam@NoSpamCCGATE.HAC.COM X-No-Archive: yes VIC WARUSZEWSKI posts: >I have made it a policy to never eat at anyplace that advertises "We buy >Roadkill" >At least at the Roadkill Cafe, you have to bring in your own fresh kill, none >of that second hand stuff that has already been an appitizer for crow. =============================== Reminds me of a very funny true story from my departed youth: Many years ago, when I was a young lad in the Navy, I made a weekend jaunt from San Angelo, Texas, down to Del Rio (well, actually Ciudad Acuna, but that's another tail, uh, I mean tale). I was driving down this remote and deserted road north of Del Rio when I rounded a curve and saw an extremely dead goat smack dab in the middle of the road. A hundred yards onward was a house... the only one for several miles either way. The next day, enroute back to San Angelo, I passed the house again. In the front yard was a BIG sign that said "Fresh Beef For Sale". The roadkill goat was nowhere to be seen. I damn near drove off the road from laughing so hard! Caveat Emptor! J.F. Brown 1983 R80ST "NO PIKL" 1997 R11RT "NOIR RAD" IBMWR, AMA, MOA, RA, BOOF, DoD, VI +----------------------------------------------+ | jfbrownNoSpam@NoSpampower.net (J.F. Brown) | | Net Surfin' from Manhattan Beach, California | +----------------------------------------------+ From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sat Aug 9 06:03:01 1997 Date: 09 Aug 97 05:45:31 EDT From: Bob DeHaney <100013.413NoSpam@NoSpamCompuServe.COM> To: ibmwmc Subject: BMW: Re: Lawyers & Litigation Reply-To: Bob DeHaney <100013.413NoSpam@NoSpamCompuServe.COM> X-No-Archive: yes The view from Germany: All I can say is that thanks to the efforts of you lawyers out there, the USA is one of the few places in the world (maybe even the universe) where stupidity is financially rewarded. You guys are interfering with evolution. Bob DeHaney in Munich '94 K1100RS From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Sun Aug 10 17:37:15 1997 From: "Steven J. Puig" To: Subject: BMW: Re: Presidential Reception Date: Sun, 10 Aug 1997 16:51:44 -0400 Reply-To: "Steven J. Puig" X-No-Archive: yes Had a curious reception yesterday as I entered Santo Domingo on my K75S accompanied by friends on an R11R, a V-Max and a Super Tenere. The President of the country (Dominican Republic) was expected back from a tour of the same region we'd been visiting for lunch. Guards and transit police were stationed every 500M along the highway and then at every intersection in the city to speed his travel and guard his safety. As they saw our group speeding (what a country for riding!) towards the city, the lumbering officials snapped to attention and waved us on mistaking us for the President's advance motorcycle escort! As we entered the city, the police jumped into intersections to stop any cross traffic and let us run straight through the red stop lights we encountered! While many didn't notice that we were civilians even after we'd passed, the look on the face of those who realized they'd been duped was worth a million pesos (not much now in dollar terms but still a tidy sum)! Steve Puig Santo Domingo Dominican Republic 1990 K75S 1996 XTZ750 1997 TL1000S From Mark Ketchum Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 17:08:01 -0700 From: Mark Ketchum Subject: Re: BMW: Re: Cruiser for sale At 09:52 PM 8/26/97 GMT, Christopher Holko wrote: > < s n i p > > >If you are riding a bike for speed then you are riding for the wrong reason. Speak for yourself, Christopher. Different strokes for different folks. Granted that bikes aren't the fastest ground vehicles in all cases, but for me, the joy of riding is enhanced by riding quickly. This goes for my favorite pillion rider, too. Valerie and I met on a Sunday morning group-of-friends ride in 1982. At a mid-point pause in the ride, she hopped of the other (slow) guy's bike and onto mine. She thought it was cool how I could bounce the rocker covers on the ground and make sparks. We still make sparks (heh heh). >Perhaps the cruiser is the wake up call to many riders who just go fast and >don't realize the "ride" is the real reason for the bike. And the "ride" has to be slow? For you, maybe so. For me, huh-uh! When I got my first bike, getting to class fast was the reason. When I got my next bike, fast women was the reason. When I got my third bike, fast rides was the reason. When I got my fourthbike, faster rides was the reason. When I got my fifth bike, fast-wearing-out fourth bike was the reason. Notice the pattern? I have a friend though, who got a bike simply because he wanted to ride badly. And he does. =8^) > > >Chris Holko > >R1200CA (Ivory/Brown) > >Do you want to be happy? >or do you want to be right? > Which one is it for you, Christopher? Regards, _____________________________________ Mark A. Ketchum http://www.hooked.net/~mketchum Berkeley & San Francisco, California From Ed Grant Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 19:41:57 -0500 From: Ed Grant Subject: Re: BMW: Polarized lenses too weird for riding? >[Shibumi sez:] >|[...] Among other things, all cages' windsheilds and rear glass appeared >|luminescent yellow until I was just about past them and then the yellow >|turned to blue. [...] >|Is this a routine effect for polarized lenses in interaction with a plastic >|visor? > >It's a Doppler effect caused by your travelling too close to >the speed of light. Ride slower. > > > NoSpam@NoSpam Tom Hundt http://www.slack.net/~thundt/ > -_/L> '86 K100RS San Francisco CA USA W=+1-415/597-2216 > ()7=() Saved IBMWR articles --> http://slack.net/~thundt/Bmw/index.htm My nomination for post of the year. :-) Ed Grant -- Abilene, Texas bikes 1981 BMW R100RT / 1994 Suzuki RF900R cage 1995 VW VR6 GTI do you play bridge? [Thanks. -Th] From roozbehNoSpam@NoSpamwco.com (Roozbeh Chubak) Date: Wed, 27 Aug 1997 17:17:45 -0700 (PDT) From: roozbehNoSpam@NoSpamwco.com (Roozbeh Chubak) Subject: BMW: Easiest Driver's Test Today's San Francisco Chronicle had a small item that suggests to me we must not complain about the quality of cage drivers we have: It is much worse in other places. Here is what they said (I quote verbatim): "Where is it easiest to get a driver's license? A letter to the Weekly Guardian from Jose Manuel Hernandez in Caracas describes procedures in Venezuela: While you take the written test, someone in the room reads the answers aloud. For the driving test, an official asks 'Did you drive that car all the way here?' If you say yes, you get your license." :-) Regards, Roozbeh From "Jerome N. Harris" Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 12:58:51 -0700 Subject: BMW: Re: Grinding jugs into the ground Tom Hundt wrote: > > As a ignorint K-rider who hasn't owned an R, I have to ask, isn't > it a Bad Idea to drag your cylinder heads on the ground? (Never > mind the obvious, "Doesn't the peg drag first?") Does that not > screw them up, and/or does the oil in the oilhead not leak out > after sufficient wear? Is there a replaceable wear part that > protects them? (I've seen plastic pieces that seem to be > bike-dropping guards. These, however, will not spark!) - ----- No Tom. Thats why they created Oil Heads. The oil lubricates the road when you scrape and keeps the jugs cool. Older R bike had too much heat buildup if you scraped for more than 30 or 40 feet at a time. Thats also why the oil heads use oil and K bikes don't. However, you see that R bikes break in after 25k miles or so and don't use oil anymore because after enough scraoing the road, they build up that thick layer of asphalt that takes the place of oil lubrication in the scrap zone. - ------ > > I can see why one would *want* to ("Because we *can*" :-), but > suspect I'd get worried about pieces of my precious engine being > worn off, and possibly annoyed that it was preventing me from > leaning *more*, esp. on some of the older airheads that seem to > stick out a *mile* on each side. > > Has anyone thought of creating a guard piece made of some > high-sparking metal for extra entertainment and to impress MOTAS? - -- Sure. we just go down to the local low rider shops and get some mag strips to bolt on to the cylinder heads. Works great and makes a spectacular show. Especially at night. Hope Rooz is going to get some for the great race. Make that GS an impressive sight. If that was his GS at the Santa Cruz Junji Bash, the bright yellow and red color with those 4 eyeballs on the side will make it look like a fire breathing dragon leadung that ol K12 down the road. Might even get him an invite to the next Chinese New Years fest in SF. Jerry Harris Santa Cruz '96 R1100RSL "Raven" Black, of course '73 R75/5 "Burnt Toast" That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything and they don't drink all your beer. Paul Leary, guitar player, 1991 From D&J Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 17:47:37 -0700 (MST) Subject: RE: BMW: Easiest Driver's Test James M. Dodmead wrote: >As an addendum to my previous easiest MC driving test, they are in heavy >discussion about raising the age in MD to 18, and my 15 year old is >distressed. Jim When I got my first license at the legal age of 14 (daylight driving only) in Idaho back in 1946, there was no written test, there was no driving test, all you did was fill out a form and pay $3.00 and you were on the road. And you were allowed to drive at night if you had been caught out by sunset and were headed home, so we always were all headed home after dark, no matter where we were actually headed. I believe there were several countries in Europe back in 1946 that didn't require any sort of a driving license. Of course I had been driving since I was about nine, and riding my Whizzer motorbike since I was 13 (no license required), anyway. Ranch kids all learn to drive and operate tractors when they are quite young. In Idaho it was legal for a kid of any age to drive a tractor or farm truck on the public highways without a license as long as he (or she) could see over the top of the thing and reach the pedals. Age nine was about the time you got to be big enough. All of the fifteen or so school busses for the school I attended were driven by boys who were students at the high school. I don't remember that there was ever an accident with a school bus while I lived there. We all, adults and children, thought it was normal for high school boys to be driving school busses. And, like the bumble bee, nobody had told them that they couldn't fly and so they just did it, and did it well. Times have changed, and *not* for the better. Dick Taylor - Classy Guy hetchinsNoSpam@NoSpammontana.com SoD #27 Live and lean. From TymekNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 18:02:56 -0400 (EDT) Subject: BMW: RE: Easiest Drivers Test Here in Louisiana, you used to be reguired to have both parents sign before ya could get your cage license, at fifteen. My Dad went after work the day before and signed so my Mom could take me by herself. After taking the written and the driving I recieved a bonafide cage license and got to drive home legally. The first thing I noticed upon pulling in the driveway was Dad had taken his truck to work not his bike, seems he thought Mom might have let me run some errands or something in it , just to put some mileage on the new license. Well I grabbed the key, and headed back to the DMV. Took the written test and passed, then came the driving test. The DMV guy stepped up to the exit door and asked where my bike was, you could see it from inside the building, I pointed to it, you couldnt miss it, a honda 305 dream with a superhawk front end and an orange gas tank from some other size honda. The guy says you drove that up here? Yes , I said. He signed the paper and said I passed. It don't get no easier Terry Meek R11RT bank owns it , but for a small monthly fee , I get to ride and maintain it. From Sam Lepore Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 19:38:34 -0700 From: Sam Lepore Subject: Re: BMW: Easiest Driver's Test In a distant galaxy (Massachusetts) a long long time ago (before you had to provide a car/driver for the inspector to follow a motorcycle in traffic), I helped a female friend get her license by coaching her through the testing procedure, then transporting her and her bike to a smaller, kinder, gentler (this said of government??) Registry office outside the concrete jungle of Boston. The office in Woburn (pronounced 'wuhbunn') is a circular building on a small hill. After the written test, she led the inspector to the flat lot at the bottom of the hill where I had her bike waiting - a Kawasaki 100 dirt bike with kick start. He asked her to start it, then ride it around the building and come back for the requisite stops/starts/turns. Just before she started up the circular hill driveway, a car cut in front of her and went so slow she had to stop ... and she stalled the bike. Short rider on a tall bike. One foot down. Leaning the wrong way on a hill. Kick. Kick. Kick - start! Switch feet to engage gear, switch again to hold brake. Up and around behind the building. The inspector, standing right beside me, had not said a single word until then. He turned to me, said "Anyone who can clear a stall like that doesn't need a test. Tell her to come inside and get her license when she gets back." then he walked into the building. Imagine the way she felt when she came around the building after *stalling* during her test and the inspector is GONE! I kept a straight face ... when she got off with this pained look on her face I said. "He said to tell you to come inside ..." More pain. "... to get your license." She didn't believe it at first. _________________________ Sam Lepore, San Francisco From D&J Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 16:31:53 -0700 (MST) Subject: Re: BMW: Enquiring minds want to know Tonto Goldstein wrote: >I seem to have lost my way in cyberspace. >Have I reached alt.conspiracy.princess-diana? >Or have I reached bmwmc? No Tonto, this is bmwmc all right. Why don't you post some useful BMW riding or wrenching hints, or maybe a recent ride report, and get us all back to the serious business of being presidents? Just don't mention tires, oil, plugs, helmets, waving, guns, surging, Harleys, braking, saddles, stoves, tents, MOA, RA, puncture repair, intercoms, radar detectors, windshields/fairings, splines, wheels, horns, PIAAs, gloves, electric clothing, riding suits or Gately. Gosh, I guess that leaves just one topic that it is OK to discuss: Diana, Princess of Wales. Dick Taylor - Classy Guy hetchinsNoSpam@NoSpammontana.com SoD #27 Live and lean. From "Terence R. Evans, M.D." Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 08:33:29 +0000 Subject: BMW: You haven't LIVED until.... ... you get a totally unexpected and by surprise annon telephone call from a President! At approx 4:30pm EST today and it was rapid-fire, back and forth, both in rare form, feeding off each other. It started out as onna dem: "Doctor, I got these hemorhoids, maaaaahn...." I played along. Ever the professional, describing to him MY 3 methods of treatment. By the 2nd one, I knew it was a prank call. But I continued with the Tie-Off method. Finishing with a possible referral to my cousin Georgie in Muscle Shoals, AL who's got this Neat-O Laser Blaster. This pencil sized apparatus cost him $2 thousand bux and paid for itself in the first week! By now, I'd grossed this Prezz out - the jig was up - time to come clean. Then we went at it: We talked Beemers, bikes, wimmin, endowments, sex, drugs - no Rock and Roll dealers We talked Ragtops, radar detectors, rallies - no Iron Butt We talked Verrill-speak, stamps, Pink, Cornett, Junji - no Brian Curry We talked Graling, Diaz & Sue, e-mailing and A-Lists - no Sh*t-lists We talked Ridin', fuel cells, big tanks, pillions, roommates, houses, school loans, motorcycle loans, 3% interest 2.9% financing, taxes, billing-by-the-hour & armored car rip-offs We talked Atlanta, San Diego, Chicago, Mississippi River - no Mason-Dixon Line We talked Mercedes, Miatas, Marion Barry, bent rims - no Oilheads The clock struck 6pm and he said, "Gotta go!!!" I begged and pleaded for a half hour more. "Gotta GO man!!" I said please tell me you're a coupla exits away on I-95 needing directions to my house. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. Twasn't my dime nor his. That sort of entertainment money can't buy. It clearly made MY day. LARRY FEARS said he MAY call back tomorrow - same time. I'll be waiting by the phone - Miami PS - Jon Diaz? I know you did the same thing the day before. That made my day, too. Thankyouverymuch! But 90-non-stop-minutes with Larry Fears made me roar with laughter til tears in my eyes and snots on my monitor. T-Mia From "Jeffrey Harth" Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 13:26:41 -0400 Subject: Re: BMW: "Be an Ironbutt or just look like one." Dick, When I was a young Ensign in jet school in Mississippi there was a group of us who hung around together (read get into trouble). We had this guy in our group who always knew verything. When we were issued our leather flight jackets and he said he was going to break it in. He tied it to the back of his truck and took off cross-country. We were sitting and drinking beers (what else are you going to do in the Navy while sitting?) when he returned two hours later. He untied the jacket and put in on. He looked very comfy for about five seconds. He then got this horrible look on his face, let out a massive scream and threw off the jacket, ran to the pool and dove in fully clothed. He had drug the jacket through a fire ant hill and the fire ants had invaded the liner. I remember falling over in my chair laughing, until I realized I spilled my beer. He never was able to wear the jacket afterwords without getting a serius case of the itches. His call-sign became "Scratchy." Jeff Harth Philly From "Wes Knipmeyer" Date: Wed, 10 Sep 1997 18:51 -0500 (CDT) Subject: BMW: Footpegs, Threads N Flames I've been reading the list for a few months now and like the tech tips and have used a number of them. The flames and threads on a number of subjects have provided amusement as well as about every view point on a subject there is. Keep it going. Tech Tip: I replaced the stock R1100GS footpegs with R100GS/PD foot pegs. This lowered the footpegs 1" and moved them forward 1" and fits me perfect (5'11"). I used the PD spring and spacer and an allen head bolt with nylock nut for the footpeg pin. Drilled a small hole in the footpeg mounting plate near the bottom hole for the footpeg pin for the spring tang to fit in. Opinions - We All Got Em: Here's what a cruiser riding friend believes in. About 180 degrees from what I believe in but we're still friends and can enjoy a good ride cause he doesn't make me take my muffler, helmet and stich off, I don't make him put them on and I don't mind waiting while THE Law collects taxes from him and he waves when he catches up to THE Law collecting taxes from me. he: Loud Pipes Save Lives (its worth an occasional ticket to protect your life) me: Quiet Pipes Keeps The Law Ignorant Of Where I'm At he: Flashing Tail Lights Attract Drunks me: Flashing Tail Lights Wake Drunks Up he: Blue Running Lights Keep Cages From Getting Too Close (its worth an occasional ticket to protect your life) me: Right Wrist Keeps Cages From Getting Too Close (its worth an occasional ticket to protect your life) he: Helmets Will Break Your Neck In A Get Off (helmets have too much friction on pavement causing your head to be jerked around in relation to your sliding body; skin does have less friction than fiberglass doesn't it?) me: I Dropped A Watermelon, Slipped And Fell On My Head, Both Could Have Been Saved Some Pain With A Helmet (duh! is this a decision on whether you want die of a squashed head or be a quadriplegic) he: A Fully Covered Body Is Probably Safer In A Get Off BUT, In Hot Weather You'll Suffer Dehydration From Too Much Sweat, Lose Concentration And Risk Crashing (explains the tank top, shorts and low cut sneakers) me: We Agree On The Safer Part And If I'm Sweating I Know I'm Not Dehydrated (130 degree days in the middle east desert taught me full coverage has many advantages over bare skin including body water retention) he: Only Cruisers Have The Correct Riding Posture, Any Bike Requiring A Person To Lean Forward Puts Too Much Pressure On A Mans Cajones Which Will Affect Your Manliness. (why do i have 4 times as many kids as he does?) me: My Favored Riding Position Lets Me Do 1000 Mile Days And Still Feel Manly (explains all the kids) he: High Octane Is The Best, That's Why It Costs More, I Only Use The Best me: Cheapest Stuff That Makes It Run Without Pinging Is Good Enough, Oil Companies Don't Need My Charity We generally agree on everything else Is This A Great Country Or What!! (IT IS, support the AMA to help keep it great for bikers) We've Got The Freedom To Form Our Own Opinions And To A Large Extent Live Our Life Based On Them (even if it may kill us) We Can Ride The Bike Of Choice, a GS or Cruiser or GS or Crotch Rocket or GS or Tourer or GS or UJM or GS or Vintage or GS or Retro or GS, I Love Em All, Got 1 of Each and Their Odometers Reveal Which is Loved the Most wes got some toys got some memberships my cage is vintage, oops, i mean cheap old junk i NEED a Centauro More Time On The Bike, Less On The Keyboard From "Graham K. Rogers" Date: Thu, 11 Sep 1997 22:21:35 +0700 (ICT) Subject: BMW: Driving in Asia: low BMW content I have often explained to presidents how riding a bike in Thailand is fraught with danger. A friend in Indonesia has just forwarded me this (humorous) look at driving in India. It appears almost identical to Thailand's exuberant motoring. ------------------------- Most road users in India observe a version of the "Highway Code" based on an ancient text, as shown below: Article I. The assumption of immortality is required of all road users. Article II. The following Order of Precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, oxcarts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians. Article III. All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra. Article IV. Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet): Cars (IV, 1, a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e., in clearing dogs, rickshaws, and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e., to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall die." In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of Thailand's 870 million whom I recognize," "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)," or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes." Trucks and buses (IV, 2, a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz., "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps. Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II. Article V. All maneuvers, use of horn, and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment. Article VI. In the absence of seat belts, car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times. Article VII. Rights of way: traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline (VII, I): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road. Article VIII. Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored. Article IX. Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should be undertaken only in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions, and in the middle of villages. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing, and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians. ---------------- Ride safely, Graham From George Basinet Date: Thu, 11 Sep 1997 16:38:12 -0700 Subject: BMW: Words of Wisdom-No BMW Presidents All I'm always impressed with the clever sayings at the end of most posts. Here are some ones I stole, free for the taking. George Basinet San Jose, CA "a closed mouth gathers no foot". . . > > * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. > > * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you > tried. > > * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. > > * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need > it. > > * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. > > * He who hesitates is probably right. > > * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. > > * No one is listening until you make a mistake. > > * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. > > * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required > on it. > > * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of > the bread. > > * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. > > * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from > many is research. > > * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above > your principles. > > * Two wrongs are only the beginning. > > * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. > > * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. > > * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. > > * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch > up. > > * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. > > * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never > tried before. > > * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. > > * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. > > * A fool and his money are soon partying. > > * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. > > * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. > > * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! > > * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of > payments. > > * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... > > * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great > trade! > > * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. > > * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. > > * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." > > * Death to all fanatics! > > * Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo. > > * Chastity is curable, if detected early. > > * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. > > * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. > > * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. > > * Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. > > * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. > > * Half the people you know are below average. > > * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. > > * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. > > * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so > good. > > And finally ... > > * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't > for you. From Mark Gensman Date: Sun, 14 Sep 1997 07:04:41 -0700 Subject: BMW: Real fast electric vehicles In 1960 my big brother invented an electric car. He took the motor off my dad's table saw and mounted it to a go-cart frame we had. He put a V belt drive on it and since our driveway was about 150 feet long and flat, he put a couple of extension cords together and figured when the plug got pulled out of the wall the thing would stop. As the little brother, my total reason for living was to be his own personal test pilot. All I remember was sitting inside the garage one minute and about a half second later I was ten feet in the air as I jumped over the road, the ditch on the other side and about 20 feet of blackberry vines before (thankfully) a barbed wire fence stopped my fall. Lets hear it for electric vehicles..not. - -- Mark Gensman MgensmanNoSpam@NoSpamix.netcom.com 95 K1100LT "You're never too old to rock and roll" K-Whiner #51 "The Green Hornet" ------------------------------ From D&J Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 18:28:22 -0700 (MST) Subject: Re: BMW: The Dragon vs. 191 Well, let me jump in here. I've never ridden either one of these roads, so, by the dictates and mores of IBMWR, this makes me an expert and allows me to mouth off. I think the Dragon sucks and 666 rules. And, as soon as I master both of these roads on my R65 I will confirm my thesis and post a ride report. Until then there is no need to post any more messages on this thread. Dick Taylor - Classy Guy hetchinsNoSpam@NoSpammontana.com SoD #27 Live and lean. From ibmwrNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com Mon Jun 23 23:18:51 1997 Date: Mon, 23 Jun 1997 23:09:17 -0400 (EDT) Date-Warning: Date header was inserted by WIZARD.FIRN.EDU From: "Gregory D. Pink" Subject: BMW: Fw: Humor Break To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com, hayswNoSpam@NoSpammarlin.nosc.mil, haysNoSpam@NoSpamznet.com, diazNoSpam@NoSpamcae.cig.mot.com, MMCornettNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com, EsquireTedNoSpam@NoSpamaol.com Reply-To: "Gregory D. Pink" An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Greg "Bounce II" Pink Reindeer Riders BOOF-(it's time to accept my advancing age and decreasing intellect) SOD #4 *************************************************************************** * "I ride, therefore I am." ***** R1100RT->Descartes-The Continent Killer * * ----------------------------------------------------------------------- * *Greg Pink->The Pink-man ----------------The Continental Breakfast Killer * ***********************pink_gNoSpam@NoSpampopmail.firn.edu **************************** From Tom Nash Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 21:08:36 -0700 Subject: Re: BMW: Aggressive Drivers Tom Buttars wrote: > While I was gratified to see the actions being taken by the men in blue, the show scared the sh*t out of me. I am EXTREMELY glad that most of my riding is in the great American Midwest and confrims my prior feelings about riding on the east coast or in California.< I have lived out here (San Francisco) for almost 12 years, after having lived in the midwest. Riding a bike out here, you get used to it, and you learn to anticipate the jerks. This may sound awfully silly at first blush, but you learn that you can, with fairly good accuracy, determine the level of jerk you are confronted with by the brand and model of the car. Here's a few of the most notable ones: Volvo - totally clueless, particularly the ones in the wagons. They don't even know they are out on the highway. Usually found in the left lane doing 40 mph, engrossed in deep conversation with pasenger, hands waving to emphasize discussion points. Turn signal on for at least the last 6 miles. Honda Accord - stupid clueless aggresive yuppie with no driving skill, usually found 18 inches off the rear bumper of the Volvo, shouting into the windshield, honking the horn. Honda Civic - young Asian or Latin gang member, most likely a kamakazi driver. Weird hair that looks like some insect's antennae. Rapid lane changes with no warning, accelerates into blinking turn signals to cut them off, can also occasionally be found 12 inches behind the Volvo. (This description also good for a gray-primer or other dark-color Isuzu Impulse with stolen Honda wheels.) Passes on right and cuts back into lane 12 inches ahead of Volvo, may slam on the brakes for additional effect. Super-Trapp and Momo equipped, low-profile tires, phony VTEC sticker stolen from somebody else's car. If Chinese - car re-painted bright yellow or medium green. Very dangerous. Mercedes & Lexus - slightly toned-down version of the Accord. Doesn't yell at windshield. Moves over one lane without looking, no turn signal. "I paid more than you did, so I have more rights to that lane." Acura Integra - see Honda Civic. Rich parents, or deals drugs at school. BMW 3-series - see Honda Accord. Rapid lane changes, briefly uses turn signal as a rude elbow. 'scuse me! 'scuse me! (BMW cage blinkers are incapable of more than two blinks, using only one blink saves gas.) 90 mph in the far right lanes, weaving and passing. They think they are avoiding the cops if they stay in the right lanes, even at 90 mph. Any Sport Ute (Ford Explorer, etc.) - usually a female driver, fits into either of two categories: see Volvo, or Honda Accord. Cell phone tucked in between shoulder and neck accompanied by a cup of Starbuck's prominently displayed by left hand in the driver's side window, napkin carefully peeled down so Starbuck's logo is visible (it's a fashion statement), right hand contains a pen writing on suction-cup pad attached to windshield. No hands on the wheel. Black window treatment, rolling weaving road block. VW Jetta - asshole, pure and simple. Bought car, therefore am driver. VW says so in ads... Willing to get out of the car and get into a fist fight with the other driver. Slams on brakes when headlight-flashed from behind in left lane. Probably the absolute worst threat on the California freeway, capable of anything, very unpredictable. MiniVan - Mom with kids screaming and fighting in the back seat. Has no idea what the rules of the road are. Yellow sign, "Baby On Board" means she is allowed to do anything, anytime, anywhere, to anyone, with no repercussions. I am MOM, therefore I am automatically excused and have rights you don't. Ford Taurus, Toyota Camry, & equivalent - usually fairly considerate driver, pulls over within lane to allow white-lining motorcycle to pass. Occasionally found in left lane at 80 mph plus. Some cell-phone equipped. Any tradesman's van or pickup - see Ford Taurus, watch for cigarette butts thrown from driver's window. Smile and friendly wave. Super-Shuttle or equivalent - self-appointed traffic cop, right on the speed limit or 2 mph below, in the left lane, refuses to move for anyone. Two or more have been known to form a side-by-side rolling road block at 2 or 3 mph below the speed limit, just to piss everyone off. Any sports car or sports coupe - I bet I can go faster than that bike. Porsche 911 - young Asian UNIX programmer. BMW M3 - young Caucasion UNIX programmer. Jaguar XK-8 - older Caucasion MS Windows programmer. BMW Z-3 - - Computer reseller marketing rep, usually female, or older male divorced Silicon Valley yupster trying to impress the young babes. Saab 900-series - - yuppie first-level supervisor, hip power necktie, chasing babe in BMW 3-series in the right lanes. Saab 900 convertible - Los Altos Hills High School girls rocking out to tunes, Daddy bought the car, clueless drivers, a Volvo at speed. Nissan 300ZX - youngest programmer, usually works for DOS games company programming road race games, re-living last Need-for-Speed II computer race on the way home. Sometimes found racing Porsche 911, both weaving in and out of lanes at 85 - 90 mph or better. CHiPs bait. Ride 1/2 to 3/4 mile behind them, and you will never get a ticket. Camaro or Firebird - young secretary using rear-view mirror to put on makeup at 70mph in the right lane. Can usually be found at the tail-end of multiple rear-end crashes. Older Chevy or Oldsmobile sedan - Filing Clerk doing same as secretary, but with front-wheel shimmy. Big hair. Watch for flying cigarette butts. Cadillac - older secretary putting on makeup in mirror behind sunshade (it has adjustable makeup lights.) Ask any California rider who commutes on a daily basis about this. I am not making this up. :) The worst part? The California Highway Patrol only responds to accidents during the rush hour. Hardly ever do you see one pulling the jerks over between 6:00 AM and 9:00 AM, or from 3:00 PM until 7:00 PM. If you get out there on a bike, you are on your own. My commute riding style is to never get into a confrontation, use the FYF (some prez coined the phrase "Fuck You Factor", meaning crank open the throttle and just go past them), and let them argue and crash into each other behind me. The cages are nothing more than moving pylons. It's been working for me for 12 years. I NEVER match speeds with the cages and just cruise - too dangerous. Oh yeah: watch out for squids on GSX-R's - they white-line at 80 mph, and have been known to rear-end the Honda Civics darting between lanes. In a nutshell - you focus intensely on the traffic when you ride, and do anything you have to in order to get through it. On a 600-pound bike, my only choice is flight. Tom Nash '94 K1100RS - the Red Rocket California Combat Commuter San Francisco Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 15:55:00 -0500 From: "Filak, John F" Subject: BMW: More Stuff - Engage Brain Before Putting >"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the >world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but >not with >all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey. > >Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" >Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, >because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live >forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live >forever." -- >Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest. > >"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same >reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered >other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." > --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22. > >"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the >law." > -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he >failed to pay his taxes. > >"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- >Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. > >"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates >in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. > >"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be >discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you >expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of >Public Aid. > >"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this >century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this >century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican >vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was >asked his opinion of the Holocaust. > >"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary >Club journal, "Gyrator". > >"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly >underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, >explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries. > >"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, >the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of >David >Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, >Barrington, Rhode Island. > >"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean >explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 >World Series. Date: Fri, 26 Sep 97 00:23:45 UT From: "Stanley Walker" Subject: BMW: No BMW; BEER Couldn't resist sending this to the biggest group of beer drinkers I know of! In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller's said, "A Miller Light, please!" The president of Budweiser asked for a "Bud!". Adolph Coors requested a "Coors." And so it went, around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked. "Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions, "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!" Stan Walker R1100RT Date: Thu, 02 Oct 1997 12:30:59 -0700 From: Deryle and Wanda Mehrten Subject: BMW: Some Humor >>The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled >>over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. >> >>When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I >>bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." >>He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls." There followed a >>moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He >>then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. >* * * * * * * * * * * * * * > > > Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997 19:06:08 -0700 From: Deryle and Wanda Mehrten Subject: BMW: Hell - What this List Has Gone To! A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof. Most of the students wrote proof of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic. The student got the only A. Any plans for a Presidential Meeting at the Oktoberfest in San Diego the weekend of the 10th through the 12th? Deryle Mehrten Arizona, USA '88 K100RS ABS Special Date: Tue, 7 Oct 97 21:05:16 UT From: "FH Gaylor" Subject: BMW: Re: NO BMW content: Re: Mis-spellings Since your talking about mis-spellings: Spell Checker I have a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye cannot sea. When eye strike a quay, right a word I weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar wright It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two late And eye can put the error rite Its rarely, rarely grate. I've run this poem threw it I'm shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew. Sauce unknown Frank Gaylor fhg54nmNoSpam@NoSpammsn.com Date: Tue, 7 Oct 1997 21:32:57 -0400 From: Brian Curry Subject: No BMW: Public Apolgy to Roozbeh Well, not only have I done it once and got my SOD # with it, but I did it again.... I gave Roozbeh a shot about appending Cc's and he did not do it, I did. :(:( So, along with what Bart Simpson has written on the chalk board many times, "I promise not get real vindicitive right after completing a Red-Eye flight!" ======================================================================= Subject: Bart Simpson If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is always writing something different -- and often quite hilarious. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an Emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not burp in class. I will not cut corners. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. I will not squeak chalk. I will finish what I start "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail. A mulitude of forwards were deleted, and all of this is probably copied in violation of copywrite law. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ | "We cannot tolerate the proliferation of this paperwork any longer. | | We must kill the people producing it." | | - Vladimir Kabaidze 1936 | | | | Brian Curry, 1990 Blue K75RTs both coasts, Chester Springs, PA, USA | | SoD #23 | | | | KGN- Improving Lives Around The World | +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 11:18:12 -0400 From: peterkrNoSpam@NoSpamms.com (Peter Krynicki) Subject: Re: BMW: Re: Public opinion Jeffrey Harth wrote: > > Victor, > > That's a great idea. Changing the opinion of 1 cage driver per day. > Hmmmm, do I smell a theme in the works? > > How do we do this? I don't know. I'm just making it up. But I am willing > to go the distance. Anyone out there want to lend some ideas? > > Jeff Harth > Philly Yes (ideas) and No You're not willing to go the distance, and No, (nor is anyone.) Here's the ideas and the distance... 1. Never speed. This way the perception will change from "Lookit that gawddammed speedin fool" to "What a slow moving nice youngster." 2. Never split lanes. This will change the percption from "Lookit that dawddammed lane-splittin fool" to What a patient nice youngster waiting in traffic just like the rest of us." 3. Never give the finger to anyone. This will change the perception from "Oh yeah, well take this." To "what a wimp." but hey, it's a change. 4. Never park two to a metered space. This will change the perception from "One of them bastids ain't payin" to "Why don't one o'them suckers double up and leave a space for me." 5. Never hang off your bike in a corner with your knee almost touching; Never blow the doors off that Mercedes with the knock-out blond in the other lane at the light; Never crouch down behind the fairing; Never pass in situations where only a bike can get through; never wear black, and never wear boots. 6. Hell. Do drive a car. A little one. With no power. Pjk > > ADAM & WOMAN > > One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I > > > > have a problem." > > "What's the problem, Adam?", the Lord replies. > > "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with > > this beautiful garden and all of these wonderfulanimals, but I'm just not > > happy." > > "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. > > "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all > > > > of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." > > "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a > > 'woman"for you." > > "What's a woman, Lord?" > > "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful > > creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure > > > out > > what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she > > > > will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival > > that > > of the heavens and earth. She will unquestionaingly care for your every need > > and > > desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly > > voice. > > "Sounds great." > > "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." > > "How muych will this 'woman' cost me, Lord? Adam asks. > > "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." > > Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on > > his > > face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, > > "Uh, what can I get for a rib?" Date: Sat, 1 Nov 97 02:57:39 UT From: "LARRY WILBERS" Subject: BMW: More Fontana An interfaith BMW rally is held in Graham county to get God's help in parting the police cruisers from the sea of pavement. Three motorcyclists are sitting around the campfire that night, one a Jew, another a Catholic and the third a Mormon. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course." Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 17:35:57 -0500 From: Brian Curry Subject: BMW: NO BMW but :):) Don't make CS rich..... Dear Friends, My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass. Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me... A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam. Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY! Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses: With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you. . . that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. . . RIGHT OFF THE BAT! And those people can be used over and over again. Let's say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if they're the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS! ! ! ! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT... BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you'll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But that's nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE! Trust me folks, it works. It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! They'll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS! - ------------------------------------------------------------------ Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters! Dear Norm, I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. I've become the Michael Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Sincerely, B. A. Schmuck Fort Wayne, Indiana Dear Norm, Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was geting sooo sore. But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass. Yours Always, Cherry B. Toodles Los Angeles, California - ------------------------------------------------------------------ Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels too! Send your success stories to normNoSpam@NoSpamorbit. demon. co. uk and your letter might just be in the next version! [chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related injuries] =============== And taken by me from WetLeather. ;);) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ | To infuse moral concepts into a political discussion is simply to | | confuse the issue.... Morality is not involved in achieving policy. | | - William Fulbright 1959 | | | | Brian Curry, 1990 Blue K75RTs both coasts, Chester Springs, PA, USA | | SoD #23 | | | | KGN- Improving Lives Around The World | +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Date: Sun, 9 Nov 1997 18:29:58 -0500 From: Brian Curry Subject: BMW: Buy a Bullet for Bambi.... As Don Eilenberger has reported Bambi has now collected one of his BMW's; fortunately the cage where he was well protected. Other Prezidents have had cageless contact. :(:( Deer have become RODENTS/VARMITS!!! Before someone says how they were here first, there are more deer in Pennsylvania than in the 1700's. In fact, I think they had to import some to start the herd after they were wiped out. And more are killed by vehicles than by hunters. GO HUNTERS GO!!!! And human use of the land has created conditions that encourage their growth. Ask farmers what the effect of deer is on their row crops.... And ask people with nice shrubs around the house or a garden, the effect when they live close to the woods.... At one time, the advice was to "avoid twilight in the mornings and evenings" to avoid deer when they were moving. Well, that was then, and now it is different. Earlier this year, while riding with "deer magnet" Don, we observed Bambi bouncing across the road about two cars in front of us and it was 12 NOON. Was Bambi blind? Did Bambi have cataracts? I think not. Another time, I noted Bambi feeding, again around 12 NOON, right next to the Interstate Highway shoulder. Again "out of character" behavior. Speculation: there are too damn many of the things out there. This was the only time, they could find some food, or they were kicked out by another Bambi from "their territory". So, they were moving/feedng during broad dayliht. During the Square Route rally, riding around Catochin (sp?) State forest I noted there are no small plants / browse growing below about 6 feet, or about how high a deer can reach up to eat something green or tender. For National Security reasons, hunting is not, nor will be, allowed in this area. Now we are into the "rutting season" where "Bambi" does their best to procreate and make more of the damn things. Somehow I don't like being a target for a chased deer, or one with overactive hormones, or is "on a mission", or has "something else on their mind" in their travels. What can we do about this? Take action of course.... If you hunt, make sure you get a license. In every class you can hunt in, and have the equipment for. If you don't have the equipment maybe your riding buddies can sponsor you the equipment. Just make sure you hunt where you guys ride. Archery, Black Powder, Shotgun, Antlerless, Park "special hunts." If you hunt, but don't like deer/venison, bag Bambi and donate the carcass to some state or charitable agency. Mount the horns over your headlight to indicate success. People will buy you beers to commemorate your success. :):) If you know someone that hunts, or has hunted, make sure they get a license. If you know a hunter, offer to clean their rifle/shot gun/bow so it is ready to go. You want them to concentrate on the important stuff, bagging Bambi. Buy them a box of bullets/slugs so they know their rifle/shot gun is well sighted in. Get them some new arrows. Take them to the sighting range. Watch the legal niceties but maybe pay for the licenses. Make sure they have every oppurtunity to hunt they can. Offer to watch the rug rats so they can take out Bambi. If their cage is broken, offer to give them a ride to the hunting grounds. (Note, do not take them on your bike. Carrying an armed hunter might stir up a lot of people.) On bullets, does anyone know if you can have "Bambi or BMW" engraved on the bullet without affecting the aerodynamics? Like is done on bombs in wars where the bomb is "addressed". What is the best engraving method? Or maybe it should be done with a blue magic marker. Put a "blau mit weiss" roundel on the tip. Maybe use blue and white nailpolish on the tip if it does not affect the aerodynamics. Or, if they use hollow points with a recess, you have a perfect place to put some Blue and White. If you live in an area, where shot guns are used, and the hunter loads their own, you have a real "canvas" to work with. Buy the slugs for them, and carefully paint the front of the slug. If they use purchased ammunition, buy a box again, and use blue and white nail polish on the front of the cartridge. If there is a black powder season, give them some Blue and White patterned patches. If there is an archery season, how about blue and white "feathers" on the arrows? Blue and white stripes/cammoflauge on the bow? Blue and white barbs? Also, if they bag Bambi close to where you live or travel, make sure they know it. Really sure. Take them and their family out to dinner. Offer to have the carcass butchered for them. You want them doing useful things here, Bagging Bambi. We also should recognize those that have removed a Rodent at great personal risk and survived using their BMW. Does someone have a means to die cut some type of emblem with a circle and slash over something representing the deer, say a "tail"? Note, Dr. Curve's removal would require "clusters" for vaporizing that sucker. For those down under and bother'd with Kangaroo's you are on your own. You have been or are being diarmed, and Claymores and Bombs are probalby considered poor form.... Rember, Bambi is a VARMIT/RODENT!!! So go out there and Buy some Bullets for Bambi. The BMW you protect, may be your own.... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ | To infuse moral concepts into a political discussion is simply to | | confuse the issue.... Morality is not involved in achieving policy. | | - William Fulbright 1959 | | | | Brian Curry, 1990 Blue K75RTs both coasts, Chester Springs, PA, USA | | SoD #23 | | | | KGN- Improving Lives Around The World | +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Date: Wed, 26 Nov 1997 08:46:40 -0500 From: Jon Zurell Subject: BMW: BMW marketing Prezzes: With all the discussion about BMW's marketing plans in the US and Canada, it might be appropriate to understand ways that companies have tried to market products in countries other than their own. Here's a few that didn't go too well: Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water." Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." Jon Date: Thu, 27 Nov 1997 14:42:38 -0600 From: Scott A Klemptner Subject: BMW: Mailing lists observations From another list, but pertains to some of our recent discussions... Q: How many mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,025: - 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the light bulb has been changed. -14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. - 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. -27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. -53 to flame the spell checkers -156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. -41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. -109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb -203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. -111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. -27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs -14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. -3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. -33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." -12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. -19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." -4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. -1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. -47 to say this is just what this group was meant for, leave it here. -143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.light bulb ********************************************************************* Scott A. Klemptner sklemptnerNoSpam@NoSpamworldnet.att.net Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 23:25:47 -0800 From: "Darryl Richman (Exchange)" Subject: RE: No BMW: OZ William Safford [mailto:73760.3533NoSpam@NoSpamcompuserve.com] writes: > Peter Krynicki: > > > How come everyone in OZ is named Mick? > > Nah, most of them are named Bruce. Is your name not Bruce? Mind if we call you Bruce to keep down the confusion? Oh, Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable Heideger, Heideger, was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table David Hume could out-consume Schoppenhauer and Hegel And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as shloshed as Schlegel There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist Socrates himself was permanently pissed John Stuart Mill, of his own free will On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill Plato, they say, could stick it away Half a crate of whisky every day Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle Hobbes was fond of his dram And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart "I drink therefore I am." Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed. Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 08:05:23 -0800 (PST) From: Shibumi Subject: BMW: Idiot M/C Mag Survey Results Idiots were asked for their moto mag recommendation if choices were limited to Rider, Motorcyclist, or Cycle World. Results are as follows: Rider ------------------------ 1 Motorcyclist ----------------- 0 Cycle World ------------------ 1 Just get all of 'em, stupid -- 2 MCN -------------------------- 1 Untalliable responses ---------3 Survey data is notoriously suspect. The chances of being able to do meaningful extrapolation here is calculated at p<.00015. Nonetheless, there are some nearly clear trends from this large and enthusiastic response; n=8: 1. It appears likely that I am stupid. 2. There is no basis to suggest that Idiots are not well-named. - -John Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 17:58:59 -0500 From: Rich & Frauke Rosental Subject: NO BMW: Advice on Dealing with LEOs Prezzs: Stole the below bit of advice from another list. Thought it might be helpful in case you get pulled over :-))). > >The ABSOLUTE WORST Things To Say To A Police Officer > > I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. > Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. > Aren't you the guy from the Village People? > Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good > job! > I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be > a police officer. > I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. > Bad cop! No donut! > You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? > Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. > Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? > Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's > nightstand. > I pay your salary! > So, uh, you on the take, or what? > Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a > warning, too! > Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. > I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other > car around-that's how far ahead of me they are. > What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained > specialist. > Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. > Rich Rosenthal RosieNoSpam@NoSpamcapecod.net Wellfleet, MA '96 R1100R die fledermaus BMWMOA, BMWRA, BMWWR Your 4/10ths kind of a rider To: bmwmcNoSpam@NoSpamworld.std.com From: sheriffNoSpam@NoSpamgraham.nc.gov Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 17:46:00 -0400 Subject: BMW: Fine looking bunch o' men Tom Nash wrote: |I just thought you all ought to know what Terry is up to, and what he is |capable of. |for either Terry (or one of his buddies) to send an e-mail message to the |majordomo that controls the list to unsubscribe ME from the digest, |re-subscribe me back to the non-digest list, and then send a message aimed |at me to the list at large, all in an effort to bypass the twit filter. Hey, that's pretty good! Butt he's not the only one been subscribin' lately... On behalf of the Graham County Sheriff's Department, I would like to offer both of y'all a job. Belligerent, argumentative scoundrels like yourselves are eminently qualified. We seem to have an opening you'd be perfect for, we need a new deputy 'round here since ol' Buford took to the hills after seein' all those letters y'all sent. And we need someone to monitor e-mail lists like this one. (Hell, I've been derelictin' my coffee shop duties just tryin' to keep up.) Come on down for an interview. We'll even give you a ride in our new helicopter, which is great for drying off the softball field (and motorcycle campground) after a downpour. Jerry Crisp, Sheriff Graham County NC p.s. I'm thinkin' about picking up one of those Cruuzers myself, watcha think about that? Gonna get the police special version... Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 12:50:28 PST From: "Morgan Miles" Subject: BMW: Thanksgiving Weekend '97 By Morgan Miles I would have posted this sooner but I just got back from Antarctica. I was looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend because it would give me the chance to get some miles in. I had been watching the Weather Channel and conditions would be ideal for visiting my four sisters over the course of the four days. I picked up my '97R100RS "Big One" at Cleveland Eurosports BMW/Ducati after the 150,000 mile recommended service. I figure I've gone through nine front tires, eleven rear tires, four batteries, thirty spark plugs, and countless bulbs and fuses since I brought him home, last January. Close to four thousand gallons of gas have passed through my injectors. I ride at least 400 miles a day except for June 9th (I was stabbed in an attempted mugging) and September 18th (I had the piles). I planned to head out of Cleveland towards San Diego to see Kate, my oldest and closest sister. Then I would shoot north to Fairbanks to see Murielle. From Alaska I would cross the Bering Strait, ride across Asia to Prague, Czech Republic to see Betty, and then hit Julie on my way home in Spain. I pulled out of Cleveland at 4:30 a.m. and crossed the Mississippi by 5:15. The heat generated by the friction of atoms in the atmosphere bumping into my helmet and fairing created a glow that allowed me to conserve battery and headlight. I was cruising at about 730 miles per hour, when I saw a cop out of the corner of my eye. I downshifted to second, but I was in Kansas before I could get it under 500 MPH. I hit the Rockies at about 6:15 then was pulling into San Diego at around 7:00. I gave Kate a kiss and she gave me one of her delicious Pillsbury cinnamon rolls - my favorite! At 7:08 I was off to Alaska. After an hour, I got a flat tire in Oregon, but was in Washington State before I could pull over. I had some serious miles to make up. That flat left me no hope of hitting Alaska before 10:00 a.m. As I entered Canada, I knew it was time to pull out all stops. I shifted into fifth gear and the needle was just about at 1,200 miles-per-hour when the unthinkable happened. A beetle had somehow survived the fall freeze and flown into my path. He pierced my kevlar jacket, passed through my right shoulder, and exited through the ventilation flap on my back. I nearly lost it! Luckily, by the time I reached the Yukon Territory, the bleeding had stopped, thanks to the cauterizing action of the disruption of the time/space continuum. I pulled up Murielle's driveway and looked at my watch. 10:45 a.m. I guess the flat tire only has put me behind by fifteen minutes. I ate a can of Hormel Chili and drank a diet Coke, then I kissed Murielle good-bye and crossed the International Date Line. The weather in Asia was horrid, as usual, but I didn't waste time by taking any pictures this time. My camera had worked its way out from under the heat shield and was melted. I pulled into Moscow at around 2:00 for a late lunch. I wanted to be in Prague by 3:30, so I had to keep it over 1000 miles per hour through some of the poorest roads I had ever ridden over. Betty was so happy to see me as she has been in exile since the fall of the Soviet Union, and has not had much contact with the rest of the family. I visited with Betty and gave her some nylons and cigarettes. After six minutes the road was calling to me. Of all four of my big sisters Julie was my favorite, and I was dying to see her. I pulled out of Prague at around 3:40 after gassing up with some airplane fuel from the Army base. In no time I was cruising down the road at a leisurely 1400 miles-per-hour. I was enjoying the scenery so much I forgot to brake in France and overshot Madrid. Here I was, some four hundred miles out in the Atlantic Ocean! What was I to do? As "Big One" sank to the bottom, I realized that the new tire I'd put on in Washington this morning would surely have enough traction for the sandy ocean floor. I gunned the engine and was soon cruising at 350 knots. I had to pick my bike up due to Spain's strict laws regarding vehicles on the beaches, but made it to Julie's by 5:00. I really wanted to be home by dark, so I kissed Julie and hit the road. I had a little over 4000 miles to go, when I decided to take a little detour and cross the North Pole. It was a little chilly, but the peaceful calm of the Arctic was a welcome change from European, Asian, and American commuter traffic. I had about enough of them for one day. I pulled into my driveway at about midnight, and quenched Big One's scalded skin with liquid nitrogen. It was my way of saying thanks. The squeak and groan of his castings were his way of saying you're welcome. Today, I had ridden over 27,000 miles averaging 1200 miles per hour. Now, what do I do with the rest of the weekend? ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 12:58:38 PST From: "Jerry Atrichs" Subject: BMW: Windshields Does anyone know where I can get a prescription windshield made? I lost my nose to cancer and the prostetic one makes my soft-pallet itch if I wear my bifocals. I tried contacts, but they irritate my cataracts. So, if anyone has any other suggestions, I'd appreciate it. Does anyone know how Sonny's doing since his stroke? Jerry Ride slow. Ride long. K1100LT "Apollo 11" Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 21:39:50 -0500 From: Lee Freedman Subject: Re: BMW: RAT Run Awards At 12:54 PM -0500 12/17/97, GWBDMB wrote: >In a message dated 97-12-17 12:26:05 EST, leefNoSpam@NoSpamlocalnet.com writes: > ><< > message ratted out----- > > > >> >Well Lee, thanks for the compliment. But with that said then , if the Rat Run >was a good idea I have come up with 2 good ideas. The first one was to marry >Diana rather then Carolyn. At the time Carolyn was a little prettier and a >pleaseure to be seen with. But alas the years have been unkind to her. She >now weighs mre then I and could be used as the logo foir the Rat Run patch. >Or, ........ perhaps Diana has aged so well as a result I being married to me >for 26 wonderful year. Yep, that must be it. Wow this has been a great day >and all because of my pal Lee. Thanks Lee Gately, Gately, Gately ! Listen, old buddy, I think all those Heinekens done rusted out your synapses. Anybody with a slight amount of brains (such as you and me) should have figgered out a long time ago that when it comes to marriage, we (the male sex) are NOT the deciders ! The one and only reason you think it was your decision is cause the germ of the idea was planted in your brain by a woman. This woman has made the decision that you are what she wants (or the best she's gonna get, unner the circumstances) and in her clever way, has manipulated you into thinking it's the best idea you ever had and why didn't you think of it sooner and so on and so forth. When Diana made this decision, poor Carolyn never had a chance. She just wasn't committed to the project like Diana was. Married for 26 years, you say ? Mebbe, after 26 years, you can take a chance and ask her if this is true, although there is no guarantee you'll get an honest answer. don't be patting yourself on the back just yet ! Regards Lee Freedman Date: Sun, 18 Jan 1998 09:42:24 -0800 From: Mark Gensman Subject: BMW: The ultimate solution I realize this list is not for promotion of products, however I have spent the last three months developing a perfect solution to many of the problems described here. I have designed a trailer that weighs 78 pounds, features graphite magno-dyne axles with no rolling resistance whatsoever. Included on the trailer is a 41 cubic foot storage compartment, a 7,000 watt generator that will run for 61 hours on a quart of fuel, two Crown 400 watt per channel stereo amps with electronic crossover, two Yamaha 4115 15" with radial horn speakers in biamp mode, a Garmin GPS unit, a Clarion 6 disk CD changer, a DVD player, three 500 amp-hour 12 volt deep discharge rv batteries, 8 12 volt outlets for 1000 watt high output halogen driving lights, 35" flat screen TV, a mini dish satelite system, 84 bungee connection points, ABS brakes, CB radio, two Valentine V-1 units (one facing forward, one rearward) with remote, a Sears Craftsman 8 drawer tool chest with the mechanics special metric 525 piece tool set, storage compartments for a floor jack and two spare wheels and tires, Carb Stix, full size walk in closet for Aerostitch riding gear, fully stocked mini bar which includes a keg of your choice of brewskies, 22 cubic foot refer with ice maker, drop down ironing board and iron, Amana front loading washing machine and matching dryer with the included delicate basket, undercounter water heater, pop up shower stall, air compressor with 25 feet of high pressure hose, infrared front facing heating element, microwave oven, paper towel dispenser and a bumper sticker that says SCROOM. Only $695 if ordered before December 2001. Call 1-800-868-2527 or 1-800-totalbs. - -- Mark Gensman MgensmanNoSpam@NoSpamix.netcom.com 95 K1100LT "The Green Hornet" "You're never too old to rock and roll".