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Suicide Note

Congratulations! You have found the last will, testament and confession of
George Albert Hall, itinerant scientist and batchelor of this parish. Since
I have no way of knowing whether you are one person, as I rather hope, or a
group, which I think more likely, I'm sure you will forgive my impersonal
address. Whoever and however many you are, again congratulations. Well
done!

As you now know, I have hidden this message to the best of my abilities.
Now I am dead, I can safely claim that these abilities were considerable.
If I were still alive, you wouldn't have found this, and to hide something
that so many people are looking for is, without boasting, no mean
achievement. Do what you like with the body; I'm not sure whether you'll
stuff it, pickle or burn it, but I doubt you'll just throw it away. Prove
me wrong, if you like. I don't care.

Now I am dead, I have no secrets left; I might as well make a few
definitive statements. I know that second-guessing my actions has been a
profitable, even popular way for certain folks to make a living. Removing
all the doubt should hopefully throw them back on the shitheap where they
belong. What the hell, it's way too late to worry about appearances, so
it's with the greatest glee that I do this. Bet you can't stop reading.

Firstly, everything I've done has been with reason. I've read the theories;
that I've managed through luck, intuition or the backing of some great,
unseen organisation, but these ingenious ideas are all wrong. Completely
and totally, without even the faintest shadow of truth, absolute
concoctions. Elsewhere, I've hidden my diaries -- there are clues in this
message as to their location, to give all those newly unemployed pundits
something to do. Like my life, every detail of this text is considered,
every comma and break and pause in rhythm, all the shapes of the words and
invisible breathing, even the lengths of these paragraphs -- and these
detail how my exploits happened. When revealed, these will topple
governments, alter the course of history and doubtless form the basis for
the folklore of the next ten thousand years. I have absolutely no reason to
be modest, not now, as well you know. I might be wrong, although I doubt
it. I don't care.

Still, something to whet your appetites, one thing I cannot resist gloating
over because you came so close to catching me yet missed the point
entirely. Read this, you dullards; read it and scratch your lumpen heads.

Case 1. A planet, warm and free, a comfortable billion people living with
little effort, the machines did the work and the humans did the talking.
Cute. I hate cute. On that planet -- you find out the name, you lazy sods
-- lived and still live a tribe, unaware of themselves. I know they're
there, even if they, and only now, dully suspect it themselves. Even that
little awareness comes from what I did; I couldn't do any more without
giving the game away, and you're so good at that yourselves. I can't
compete against you all, not without changing the rules.

The planet, full of happy people, was run by one man. That man was fat.
Before he sat down to type he sprinkled talc between his fingers to stop
them rubbing together and coming red-raw from the writing. His sitting was
an enormous thing. He took what he wanted and kept the peace, a clever man
who knew how things worked. It was a quiet planet, with peaceful cities.
Clean.

It's only in cities like that that you can walk around without money. It's
a very strange feeling, to leave the house without a penny in your pockets
and no cards, no ID, no social levers. If you get into trouble, you're on
your own. You ignore the shops, the restaurants, the newsstands; there's no
point in weighing up one magazine against another, or wondering whether you
should have that food or not, because you can't buy one damn thing. If you
get hungry, then that's how you stay. If you get tired of walking, then
you'll walk and be tired. The wonder is, none of this happens. You get
hungry, sure, but it goes away; if you can't do anything about it, it isn't
important. You walk and walk and walk and the taxis whizz past and you
ignore them, or laugh at the people missing the show. You walk and walk and
walk; clothes hanging loose, no metal or paper or plastic or advantage, as
free as if you were naked in a lonely forest. I bet you can't do it; I bet
you couldn't take out the map, pick a point ten minutes distant and walk
out and back with not a shred of credit on you. Try it -- try opening the
front door, and going to the end of your street. It's exhilarating. You
think of different things.

That's how I did my best work, walking around, free. No cost. So I got to
thinking, and then to doing, how the links work, how the people live with
each other to a private end, each with their own life only slightly
affected by the rest. It's a technical society now, since we learned to be
technicians, and we've given our ideas to machines that can do them so much
better. I like technical. The abdication of thought. If you care to
understand the machines, you can get in at level one and play with the
ground rules. That's how I found the fat man, although not without screwing
things up to the point where the planet closed down. People died. I suppose
I killed them, me more than anyone. I'm sorry about that. I wish it were
otherwise, but nothing to be done. Anyway.

There are so many clues there. That was the last time I was surprised, when
nobody caught up with me and there I was, sitting in the ruins of the
place, surviving well when the fat man, the guy in charge, was as dead as
the rest. Impossible. There it was. I figured I'd have to do it again. I
got good, of course, and once you'd done the impossible once, who's to stop
you?

Ah, enough of this generosity. You're standing here, in your holy of
holies, shocked enough by a body where no body could be. You can dismiss
anything I say as madness, but here I am. Ignore that. Ignore this, blink
and shake your head. Still here, isn't it?

There are three impossible things here. Nobody can die like this, not here;
nobody can build the machine you now hold in your hands, and nobody can
project this message into your mind, not like this. It's happening, though,
isn't it? Close that slack, drooling jaw, why don't you, and wrap your
ape-like intellect around this: believe me, because that's what I tell you.
There are a thousand machines like the one you hold, here, there,
everywhere, part of the great intersystem streams of data, hidden in the
computers that guide your money, your diversions, your every waking moment.
A thousand machines; a thousand copies of me. I am going to make Your Life
Hell. It's all going to go wrong, as if some mad magician had unleashed a
million daemons with cutters and solder and guides to the wiring.

Why? Because I love you, you idiots. Because you're children all,
squabbling as you do, sleeping without care, stealing each other's teddy
bears and giving each other kisses. This is a beautiful nursery we've
built, as fine as any can be, the sort of place every kid should have when
they're five. I'm not the first to look out of the window, and I'm not the
first to find the door locked. Others have been here, as you'll realise
when you find those diaries, but they all have got it wrong. Some have
escaped without a backwards look, the selfish buggers. Some others have
stood up and bawled at the top of their voices that there's a door! We're
all prisoners! Who'd listen? This is a nice nursery, a cute place to live;
outside is no place for a tot.

Time to grow up. There's work to be done. If you won't go through the door,
some bastard's going to have to break the windows, pull the roof off, tear
down the wallpaper with the bears and the balloons and the primary colours
and kick in the walls. Because if I don't, you'll stay here until you
suffocate, starve, grow into senility. I will not let that happen, because
I hate cute and I know how to kill it.

More than that. I love you.

(c) rg

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