"BEEP BEEP!"
"King, what kind of tournament is this?" Kasumi said.
"Never mind that! DUCK!"
Both women threw themselves out of Hornet's way as it zoomed by, gleefully chasing Billy Kane around the ring. Industrial music blared out of its windows.
King got up and dusted herself off. "It's really damn weird--" Her sentence was interrupted by a set of massive arms fastening onto her from behind. Before she knew what had happened, she was selling to the Spinning Piledriver.
Zangief, after letting her drop, posed and flexed. "Fear the power of ZANGIEF!" Up in the booth, Wanderer noted the appearance in the audience of "Zangief 3:16" signs and groaned.
"Hey! That's my friend!" Kasumi kicked Zangief in the stomach. It was like kicking granite.
He looked down at her and grinned. "You want to fight me, little girl?" Zangief struck another pose, and his skin turned the dusty grey of powdered iron. "Then face MEGA ZANGIEF!"
Kasumi eeped and scrambled backward. Zangief followed her, laughing. When Sie Kensou dashed in to kick out his knees, Zangief remained on his feet, grabbed Kensou, and gave him a Bear Crusher for his trouble. Kensou sank to the mat.
Meanwhile, Hornet zoomed back and forth across the ring, chasing Billy down. Billy cut between Captain America and Iori Yagami, pausing long enough to crack his staff into Iori's face, and Hornet ran both men over a second later.
Billy, smirking at Iori, planted his stick and leaped, pole-vaulting onto the bent turnbuckle. He looked down at Hornet, revving its engine, and flipped it off.
As Hornet considered this development, a flaming fan hit it in the windshield.
Kyoshiro, across the ring, kept up his attack. The steel monster was quick, and hard to stop. It would also make a marvelous prop in his next kabuki show, once he made some cosmetic... alterations.
Hornet spun in a circle and faced Kyoshiro. Slowly, it turned on its wipers, flicking the fan off. On the steering column, its gearshift dropped into neutral, and its engine revved.
"BEEP BEEP!"
"Do you wish to face me? Marvelous!" Kyoshiro said. Slowly, he pulled his naginata into guard position and prepared to meet its charge.
With an ear-splitting screech, Hornet dropped back into drive and barreled across the ring at about sixty miles an hour. As it approached Kyoshiro, who was trying to impale it through the engine block, it spun out, slamming the kabuki fighter with its ba ck end and knocking him out of the ring.
Kyoshiro landed with a splash in Wave Race. As he broke through the surface of the water, a jet ski ran over his face. Slowly, he sank back into the water, trailing blood.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Luthor and Zankuro slowly roused themselves. The first thing they saw was each other.
"So... you still live, tyrant?" Luthor asked.
"I will live long enough to see your guts on the ground, fool," Zankuro said.
"We shall see." The two of them slowly raised their blades.
Nearby, Bishamon slowly rose to his feet, his sword ready. The car was nowhere around. It was once again safe to pursue Guy.
Luthor's backswing nearly took Bishamon's head off. "DIE, CREATURE!"
"What in the hell...?" one of the flames said.
Zankuro parried Luthor's overhand blow with a look of disgust. "I fear no man, beast, or god, paladin. Do your worst. It won't help you."
"You shall not live long enough to boast again, villain!" Luthor put all of his strength into a mighty two-handed side-to-side swing, nearly gutting Bishamon, who he still hadn't seen. Zankuro ducked underneath it and came up jabbing at Luthor's face.
"Let's get 'em!" the sword yelled.
"Gladly." Bishamon flung a blue flame at Luthor, holding the paladin hostage. As Luthor was trapped, he slammed him with a Kienzan, knocking the paladin over the "ropes"; as he fell, he parried Zankuro's angry overhand swipe, touched the ground, and toss ed his sword into Zankuro's sternum.
"You... will have... to do better than that!" Zankuro, despite being nearly disemboweled, spat blood and kept coming.
"Not a problem." Bishamon dashed forward and grabbed his sword's pommel. With a swift lateral movement, he cut Zankuro in half just above the hips and kicked both halves over the "ropes".
Zankuro's halves fell into Reloaded, where they were ignored as just another piece of carrion.
Luthor was a bit luckier, having landed in the middle of the street in Teraburst. He stood up, adjusted his armor, and charged at the purple aliens, screaming battle cries. He managed to decapitate one of them before the rest opened fire.
"Luthor, ladies and gentlemen," Birdman said, "proving once again that faith and righteousness do not make you bulletproof!"
"Man, can you change the channel?" Wanderer shuddered.
Skybox Seats, RumbleDome Hotel
The fight was short, vicious, and the outcome was never in doubt.
"You may have won this day, mortals, but I shall return!" Pagan cried. "The memory of a goddess is long, and I shall have your Ore, and your souls!"
"Whatever," Matrix said. She cut Pagan's head off. The War Goddess' body dropped to its knees as the head rolled into a corner.
Behind her, Wulf was tidying up after himself, using a small vacuum cleaner and a dustpan to pick up all the pieces and shards of Tak and Cy-5 that littered the floor.
"Musashi, how's Rancid?"
"He is weak, but he seems fine. I think it would be best to take him to the infirmary, however."
"No!" Rancid sat up, balancing himself by putting one hand on the coffee table. The table promptly broke, spilling him onto the floor.
"What do you mean, 'no'?" Matrix said. "You can't even stand."
"I'm fine, Mae. I'm just stronger than before. It takes some getting used to..." Rancid adjusted his glasses and sat back up.
"He is merely coming into his powers," Pagan said from the corner.
Matrix kicked the head right-side up. "Doesn't anything quiet you down?"
"Death itself has no meaning for me, little one, for I am immortal," Pagan sneered. She managed to roll her head over so she could look at them. "Decapitation is only a minor setback. Your friend knows all of this now. He is one of us."
Wulf gasped. "Doth this mean that Rancid sucks now?"
"Suck me through a bendy straw, limey."
"He is a War God, now and forevermore. He is Ran-Cid, the God of Gratuitous Violence! Join us, Ran-Cid! Do not deny your changed destiny!"
"Man, I think I'm gonna puke." Ran-Cid groaned.
"The rest of you are as good as dead." Pagan spat blood. "I shall feed your blood to howling demons, mortals. I shall sell your souls for trinkets in the bazaar of Hell!"
"Orion, could you open the window?" Matrix asked.
"Sure."
"Perhaps you are warriors of some small talent, and I do emphasize 'small', but you will be broken upon the altar of my sorceries! The spirits of the dead will moan anew when they witness your torments--what are you doing? Hey! OW!"
Matrix dropkicked Pagan's head out the window. She was aiming for the aisle, so Pagan's head would splatter like a rotted melon, but missed by a few inches. The audience member who she hit with it rubbed the back of his head, picked it up, and threw it i nto the dimensional field.
Pagan's head, still screaming curses, landed in Blood. She was promptly kicked around like a soccer ball for a solid fifteen minutes.
Matrix powered down her lightsaber. "Let's get 'Cid to the infirmary."
"No doctors," Rancid insisted. He stood with a little bit of effort. "Don't need 'em. What I do need is some answers, and I think I know where to get 'em. C'mon." Musashi, Wulf, Matrix, and, holding his head carefully, Orion, followed him out the door.
Command Tower
Wanderer played back the tape of the last minute's worth of Rumble in slow-motion, studying the object that had plummeted from the expensive seats. "That would appear to be Pagan's disembodied head. Were we going to do something about that?"
"Hell, no," Birdman said. "Have you ever talked to the War Gods?"
"Can't say as I have."
Birdman shuddered. "I wanted to shoot them all on general principle. What gits..."
Wanderer thumbed the comlink. "False alarm, Mimic."
"Just a War God, eh?"
"True fact. Anything else we should know about?"
Mimic, on the little screen on the console, played around with his computer screen. "Let's see... Geese Howard just bailed out Krauser, and says he'll be a good boy from now on; Thanos quieted down after we shot him a few times, and is in his hotel room under heavy guard; we're getting mixed reports about some trouble in the basement, but that's kind of minor, compared to what else is going on; we still don't know who or what happened to the eliminated seating; Kazuki and Sogetsu are doing ninja-esque th ings to each other all over the hotel, and we're having a lot of trouble finding them; and Exor is nowhere to be found. He might've left the node, but the teleport records don't show that he did."
"Someone probably killed him and hid the body."
Mimic looked at Wanderer over his glasses. "And wouldn't that be a tragedy?"
Wanderer grinned. "Sure would. Keep us posted."
"Natch."
The Ring
"Guy!" Rimururu yelled. "I have to talk to you!"
"Kind of busy!" Guy rolled backward. The Silver Samurai and Bishamon's swords clashed in the space where his head had just been.
Bishamon's armor's eyes rolled towards the Samurai. "Hey, aren't you that guy who sucks?"
"Perhaps once I was, but I am no longer," the Samurai said. "Defend yourselves!" He cut the air repeatedly, bursting out into a flurry of slashes. Both Guy and Bishamon were forced to block.
"Figures," one of the flames mutters. "You just can't help but run a joke into the ground, can you?"
The armor looked ashamed. "If it was funny once, it's funny all the time, that's what I say."
"And you'd be wrong."
"GUY! It's really important!" Rimururu yelled.
"Still busy!" Guy said through gritted teeth.
"Ooh...! Darn it, LISTEN TO ME!" Rimururu stomped her foot, raised her arms, and threw a massive ice floe at both Bishamon and the Samurai. Bishamon jumped over it, but the Samurai, bouncing sword strikes off of Guy's block for all he was worth, was cru shed underneath it. His sword arm stuck out from under the iceberg, moving weakly.
Bishamon looked at the iceberg, then at Rimururu. "You convinced me. I'll go fight that boxer over there for a couple of minutes. Be right back." He set off after Dudley.
"Nice trick. Now, then, what did you want?" Guy said.
"Well, um, hi, I'm Rimururu, Nakoruru's my sister. It's like thi--"
"SHINKUU... HADOKEN!"
Ryu's fireball plowed into Rimururu's back, sending her over the "ropes" and into Iceman's XM:CotA stage. She got up, looked around, realized she wasn't in the ring anymore, and sat down.
"All right, then," she said to herself, "I guess I'll have to fight Deimos without Guy's help." Patiently, she waited out the fifteen minutes, watching the dolphins play offshore.
Guy turned to Ryu, who was walking towards him. "Ryu, she was trying to talk to me. What's your problem?"
Ryu appeared taken aback. "Guy?"
"Yeah, Ryu, it's me, and I look younger than you do, even though we're the same age. Don't ask--it's more time-travel."
"Time travel? I don't know anything about that. I am more concerned with how you came to be in the form of a sashimi roll. I thought that by fireballing the chef, I would keep you from being further seasoned, but I never dreamed..." Ryu put a hand on Guy 's shoulder. "If this is some kind of magic spell, Guy, I swear to you, I will help you end it."
There was a long moment of silence.
"What the hell is going on?" Guy asked the world at large.
Stairwell, RumbleDome Hotel
Ibuki walked down the stairs to the meeting point, blinked, and rubbed her eyes. When she removed her hands, the two elves were still there.
"Wait a minute," she said. "You guys aren't real."
Shinesta looked at Erland. "Are we real?"
"I certainly hope so."
"No, I'm sorry, that came out wrong," Ibuki said hurriedly. "I just didn't think elves were real--"
A new voice cut in from further up the stairwell. "I did not either, until this week."
"And you are?" Ibuki said. She was holding a pair of knives before he'd finished the first syllable.
"I am Tsunami Ichiro," the new arrival said. "Thank you all for answering my message."
"What do you need that you're offering us so much gold?" Erland said.
"There is a youth in the basement who is in need of, at best, an escort to the main floors, and, at worst, rescue. His name is Kusanagi Kyo." Ichiro adjusted the katana strapped to his back. "The basements are... hazardous at this time. I will not preten d that this will be easy. It will, however, be worth your while financially."
Ibuki kept the knives out. Something about the man made her edgy. "Sounds like fun."
Shinesta and Erland looked at each other. "We'll assist you," Shinesta said. "Half the money up front, the second half upon the boy's rescue."
Ichiro snorted. "Very well." He pulled a heavy sack from his belt and tossed it to the two elves. "Count it on our way down if you must, but we must get moving. Ibuki-sama, if you would lead us?"
Ibuki stepped in front, scouting ahead, as the four of them descended into the basement.
The Ring
Hornet was driving in circles around Captain America, so Billy Kane hopped down from the turnbuckle, thinking himself safe. He was wrong, since he dropped right into Hugo's arms. Hugo left him in a twitching pile on the mat and walked over to Zangief. "E xcuse me, sir."
Zangief (still using his Iron Body) looked away from Kasumi. She punched him in the face. He ignored it. "What do you want?"
Hugo folded his arms behind his back. "I vas vondering if you might be interested in a tag-team. I'm looking for a partner, you see, and I have heard of your skill."
"Da! I have been in many tag-teams. You think you can keep up with Zangief?"
"I believe so."
"Excellent!" The two shook hands. "Let us find someone to destroy!"
"Hey! Steroid kings!"
Hugo and Zangief turned to face King. "Did you rat-bastards say something about teams?" she said sweetly. Yuri Sakazaki and Kasumi stood on either side of her, looking pissed.
"Go, Team England! Sort of," Yuri cheered. "I wish Mai was here. No offense, Kasumi."
"None taken, I think."
Zangief cracked his knuckles. "One at a time or all at once, Zangief will destroy you!"
Hugo pointed. "Vhat he said."
Hornet noticed the five of them in a tight group, and dropped into neutral a second time, revving its engine for another charge. Just as it went into drive, Captain America crashed into its passenger's side door with a Hyper Charging Star.
The effect was dramatic; Hornet actually left the ground like a stone out of a catapult, rolling over in mid-air.
Ignorant of Hornet's point of impact, Iori Yagami stepped to the side to avoid a Chokyudan. "You're playing out of your league, Kensou! Surrender now, and I might leave you with your miserable life!"
"Sure, Yagami. Why don't you pull the other one? It's longer." Kensou fired off a second, slow-moving, Chokyudan. As expected, Iori jumped it--and ran right into one of Heavy D!'s Soul Flowers. Iori flew into the air, landed on his back, and lay still.
"Nice work, kid," D! said. "I didn't think you saw me coming."
"Oh, I did." Kensou kicked D! in the face. D! toppled. "Try sneaking up on someone else next time--"
Hornet landed on its side, bounced, and slammed into Kensou in mid-sentence. Hornet skidded to a halt, touching up against the side of the ring with a faint clang, as most of its momentum was transferred to Kensou; Kensou was slammed out of the ring lik e he'd been towhooked. He was through the dimensional field before he realized he'd been hit.
"Who do we give that elimination to?" Birdman asked.
Wanderer thought about it. "Cap, I guess. He started it. What do the Rumble bylaws say about using other fighters as weapons?"
"We don't have bylaws."
"Cap it is, then."
Kensou, meanwhile, had landed in Daytona USA. He stood up, rubbed the back of his head, and realized he was standing in the middle of oncoming traffic. The race cars swerved out of control, trying to avoid hitting him, and crashed into each other. Sie ju mped straight up, barely avoiding the five-car pile up that resulted.
As he landed on a car's roof, he smelled gas. Sie didn't bother looking down; he simply jumped a second time, barely avoiding the explosion as all five cars' gas tanks detonated in unison. He rode the shockwave onto the grassy field on the inside of the track, skidding to a halt on his face. Sie sat up, spitting out sod, and watched the cars burn.
Back in the ring, Captain America had the grace to look ashamed.
Eliminated Seating
Torgo wiped blood and brains off of his hammer as he walked out of the retrieval room. He knew who he was looking for, and from the lass's description, he knew they'd be hard to miss.
The first person he ran into, however, was neither Lion or Yoshimitsu, but Nakoruru.
"Excuse me, lady," he said, tapping on her leg.
"Yes?" Nakoruru said. She was talking quietly to a man in full plate armor.
"If ye're Nakoruru, I need to speak to ye of a dire matter. Your sister sends ye a message."
"Really?"
"Aye. There's some demon or warrior or somethin' like that called Deimos she wants you to help her keep an eye on. He's plannin' mischief."
Nakoruru considered this. "Well, I'll try. But I'm kind of busy right now."
Torgo blinked. "Lady, this is supposed to be a matter of life and death--"
"I'm sure it is, yes, but I have other things to worry about. I'll make a point of keeping an eye on this Demus character, though."
Torgo snorted. "Aye, see that you do." He stalked away, muttering something under his breath about pigheaded human women.
As he entered the hallway away from the Eliminated seating, he walked right by a young human in a sweatshirt, and a gigantic metal thing with a glowing blade. Torgo did a double-take and turned around. "Lion Rafale?"
"Yes?"
"I'm Torgo, lad. Rimururu sent me to aid ye."
Lion blinked. "A dwarf?"
"Aye, a dwarf. Suren ye aren't racist at such a young age?"
"No, no... I just didn't think..."
"Wow," Yoshimitsu interjected. "The wonders to be found here are limited only by our own imaginations."
Torgo stared at the robot. "Is he feeble?"
"He's... unique. We were going to wait for Rimmy... she just got eliminated, and Deimos isn't in his room anymore. Besides, it's not that long until Yoshimitsu enters the ring."
"One 'bot enters! All men leave!"
"Give it a rest, will you?"
"The Yoshimitsu 98 is equipped with the state of the art in combat technology, suited for taking over small military dictatorships, rescuing princesses, stealthily eliminating political opponents, or even winning Ultimate Video Rumbles! With the new, i mproved laser sword and SolarFlex supple steel-alloy armor--"
"Thank you." Lion looked at Torgo. "If he gets on that kick, just tell him to shut up."
"Aye, indeed." Torgo put a hand on his hammer. He knew exactly how he'd shut it up.
"Come on. I'll tell you what I know."
Sub-Basement 8-13-23, RumbleDome Hotel
Asmodeus could feel its strength ebbing away by the second. No mortal had ever beaten it so badly, or so decisively. Slowly, Juggernaut picked it up by its neck and leaned it against the wall, cocking his fist back.
"FoOl, I kNoW nO 'CyTtOrAk'!" Asmodeus cried. "YoU hAvE bEeN dEcEiVeD!"
The Juggernaut paused to consider this for a moment. "Hey, I believe you."
"Of CoUrSe yOu Do, mOrTaL."
"No, really. Ain't nobody can remember a lie when I'm gettin' ready to break 'em in half."
"tHeN rElEaSe Me."
He smiled. "Just because you're not lyin' doesn't mean I like demons, pal. Say good night." He drove his fist forward. It emerged, covered in demon blood and bits of chitinous exoskeleton, on the other side of the intervening wall.
Instantly, Asmodeus' body exploded into a column of shimmering white light. The demons in the room hesitantly stepped forward, unable to look away from it. With a startled yell of pain, Juggernaut took a step backwards and covered his eyes.
"Thank you, Mr. Marko," Demitri said, stepping into the room. "You've performed your task marvelously."
"Task?" the Juggernaut said suspiciously.
"Maximov!" Blackheart screamed. "How dare you come here?"
"I dare, little demon, because my most excellent ally here has beaten you to within an inch of your existences," Demitri replied smugly. "As for you, Mr. Marko, your services are no longer required. Thank you for your time."
"Hold on, bloodsucker." Juggernaut stepped in front of Demitri and poked him in the chest with a finger the size of a support column. "Nobody uses me."
"A necessary deception," Demitri replied. "I believe, however, that this is your going rate for mercenary work?" He reached into his cloak and produced a stack of ten gold bars, similar to the ones he had paid Rolento with.
"Yeah, that's about right." Juggernaut snatched them from his hand. "Pleasure doin' business with ya."
"Likewise, Mr. Marko. Fare well."
"Whatever." The Juggernaut shambled out of the room. Once he was gone, Demitri crossed the room to the pillar of white light. He had seen similar things to this during his escape from Hell, when he had been forced to slay a number of demons, and his su bsequent research had yielded more information on the phenomenon. Slowly, he pushed his right hand into the light, gasping as it seared into his flesh.
Blackheart nodded to Jedah, and to the semi-conscious Ogre. Nina arose from her hiding place behind some unused building materials, and fell into place next to Jedah. The three of them cautiously crept towards Demitri, whose face was a mask of confusion and elation. His right arm looked as if it ended at the elbow.
Slowly, Blackheart reached out his arm and grabbed Demitri by the throat, picking him up. "Your 'most excellent ally' is gone now, vampire--"
"The rules have changed a second time, demon."
Demitri drew his right arm out of the pillar of light and kicked Blackheart in the face. Blackheart dropped him, predictably, as his skull fractured with a sharp report. As Demitri fell, he pivoted in mid-air and drove his right arm into Jedah's throat, punching out the back of his head in a shower of blood and chips of bone. The Lord of Vampire's head flopped onto his shoulder blades, only attached to his body by the partially-destroyed skin of his neck. Demitri touched the ground as both demons fell, m omentarily inconvenienced.
"Would you care to challenge me as well, woman?" Demitri said to Nina, his eyes flashing a violent red.
Nina folded her arms behind her back and shook her head.
"Wise of you," Demitri said. "Especially now."
In his right hand, covered in a thin coat of Jedah's blood, he held the Mace of Tanis.
The Ring
Billy Kane staggered to his feet, seeing double of everything, including the dented automobile in the center of the ring, King landing her Trap Shot on Zangief, Dudley and Bishamon exchanging blows, and Guy dashing hell-for-leather towards him.
"Aw, crikey--" Guy's Bushin Slide Kick tripped Billy over the "ropes". He landed in a dark cave, in front of two men dressed in long capes and rubber outfits.
"Holy Sticks and Stones, Batman! Look at this clown! Do you think he's one of Two-Face's goons?"
Billy stood up, popped his neck, and glared at Robin. "How 'bout you look at this, lugan?" He showed Robin his staff. Robin was so impressed with it that his windpipe collapsed.
"Oh, that's gonna cost us..." Birdman muttered.
"No big deal."
"No big deal? He just killed Robin!"
Wanderer waved it away. "It was the movie Robin. Do you have any idea how many people want to kill the movie Robin?"
"But still..."
Wanderer leaned forward and flipped on his microphone. "HEY! AUDIENCE! HOW MANY OF YOU WANT TO KILL THE CHRIS O'DONNELL ROBIN?"
The cheering was deafening.
Zangief got back up, his cheeks burning with rage. King tossed a handkerchief on the mat in front of him and sneered. "Nice try, beefcake."
Zangief answered her by snarling and walking forward with his arms held out. King smirked and kicked him in the chest; the kick glanced off his super armor.
"Oboy." King handsprung backward at Zangief advanced on her. Her feet hit Hugo in the chest, and he picked her up with one leg in either hand.
"I've got her, Zangief!"
"Da! I show you how I fight bears in Russia! Hold her, comrade, and do as I do!"
Both Hugo and Zangief jumped into the air then, spinning to earth in the Double Final Atomic Buster. In an explosion of flame, King went bouncing away, her spine compressed into a poker chip. Kasumi stepped over her prone body, beckoning Zangief closer.
"You are in over head, little girl," Zangief taunted. "I crush you like Japanese compact car, just like I destroy your friend."
"Knock it off and fight," Kasumi said, waiting patiently. She was watching his shoulders.
"Zangief will crush you with one blow!" Zangief drove a fist the size of a canned ham at Kasumi's face. Calmly, she caught it, spun, and used his own momentum to fling Zangief clear out of the ring.
He landed in Shadows over Mystara, right in front of a goblin war party.
The lead goblin gibbered in fear. "It's... it's a flesh golem! Run!"
The goblins scattered in all directions, running for their lives. Zangief followed them, pushing trees out of his way and flinging boulders into the air.
As Kasumi let go of Zangief, she noticed King, bleeding from her eyes, mouth, and nose, flip forward in her Illusion Dance. As the first kicks hit Hugo, he dropped Yuri and stumbled out of the ring.
Hugo broke up a game of volleyball when he landed. Bikini-clad women ran in every direction. He got up, dusting off sand, and Dee Jay handed him a margarita.
"On the house, mon. Street Fighters drink free here."
"Thank you." Hugo downed it in one shot and went to "request" some heavy metal from the MC.
On the screen in the control booth, Austin Loomis could be seen to slap himself on the forehead. He'd hoped they'd forgotten about him.
"You're stuck with us, you profit-grubbing little punk," Birdman gloated.
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all."
Hornet had managed to flip itself back over on its tires, and made a plaintive sound with its horn. Its drivers' side door looked like a blast crater.
Dudley ran up. "Excuse me...?"
"Vroom?"
"Oh, yes, I'm Dudley. Pleased to meet you."
"Beep."
"Yes, you're Hornet. I heard the announcer." Dudley cleared his throat. "Listen, old fellow, I was wondering..."
Heavy D! wandered by. "You can understand this thing?"
Dudley looked at him like he was crazy. "You can't?"
"Beep beep."
"Oh. Yeah. I'm Heavy D!. Hi."
"Vroom."
"Anyway, dear boy, I was just saying, I've heard great things about your particular make and model, although I had no idea they'd ever made a... sentient version..."
"Beep, beep vroom honk."
"Thank you. That's really very enlightening."
"Honk."
"Well, actually, what I was going to ask was if you'd let me poke around under your hood?"
"BEEP?!"
D! looked at him in disgust. "Do you have any idea what you just asked?"
"What? The Hornet model has a ten-cylinder engine with fuel injection, a fully computerized navigational system and full four-wheel drive! It's a miracle of modern automotive engineering! Only five or six were ever made, you know. I've wanted to see how the thing is put together since I was a lad." Dudley couldn't take his eyes off of Hornet.
"You just asked a living car if you could peek under his hood."
"...I suppose that is in a bit of bad taste, isn't it?"
"Beep."
"Yeah. You sicko."
"Oh. Well. I'm dreadfully sorry--"
"VROOM!" Hornet hopped up on its back tires and punched Dudley in the face with its right front tire. Dudley went flying halfway across the ring, rolling to a stop at Kasumi Todo's feet.
King, standing a short distance behind Kasumi, couldn't seem to stand. The Illusion Dance she'd eliminated Hugo with was, apparently, the last straw. Her legs refused to work, and she thought she might have a fractured skull.
Yuri ran up to her. "King! Are you all--"
"--oh, I'm... pretty near dead, Yuri. Listen... I need to tell you something..." Yuri knelt down to listen. As she did, King pressed the Reality Gem into her hand. "Keep this safe. Geese... he has my brother, Yuri."
"Jan? I thought he was sick."
"He is, but he wanted to see me fight at one of these cross-dimensional damn things, so I brought him along. Howard kidnapped him, and wants me to bring him these gems, or he'll kill Jan."
"We'll just have to get him back, then." Yuri clenched one fist.
"You're so cute when you're determined, kiddo..." King tried to get up on one knee. It didn't work out. "I've already got one guy working on it for me, and I'll be out there soon enough. I think I'm done. Just... keep that Gem safe. That guy in the loud outfit is trying to get them away from me, and if he does, he'll get rid of them. Don't let him, Yuri."
"You can count on me, King."
"Thanks, Yuri... just one more thing... get me the hell out of this ring, will you? I can't take any more of this."
"Right away." Yuri picked King up and tossed her over the "ropes" as gently as she could.
King landed in Fatal Fury Special, crashing through one of the screens in Jubei's stage. Jubei, who had just replaced it, swore aloud.
At the same time, Kasumi crashed through another screen on the other side of the room. Jubei threw the roll of rice paper down and stormed out of the room to get drunk.
"Kasumi?" King asked. "What happened?"
Kasumi sat up, rubbing her jaw. "That boxer is more formidable than he looks."
"Sorry, Kass... that's how it goes sometimes, I guess." King groaned, and considered the Soul Gem in her hand. "I cannot wait to get to an infirmary..."
"It's all right. I got an elimination. I'm happy." She pointed to the Soul Gem in King's hand. "What on earth is that?"
King sighed. "Come here for a second. We need to talk."
Room 776, RumbleDome Hotel
The riddle he had presented himself with was troublesome, but he was more than equal to the challenge. He turned it over in his mind, proposing answers and discarding logical avenues, disassembling the intricate pieces. Finally, he reached an answer, and snatched his katana from its sheath.
"ENLIGHTENMENT!"
Haohmaru swung his blade in a broad figure-eight, destroying most of the furniture in his hotel suite.
"HO! I HAVE PERSERVERED ONCE MORE IN MY QUEST TO ACHIEVE ANSWERS TO THE MOST LEGENDARY OF QUESTIONS CONFRONTING HUMANKIND, FOR, INDEED, THE BLESSED BUDDHA IS MORE THAN CAPABLE OF CREATING A ROCK THAT HE CANNOT LIFT, FOR HE IS TRULY MADE OMNIPOTENT BY HIS FREEDOM FROM DESIRE, THUS IS ABLE TO DO WHATEVER HE SHOULD CHOOSE, INCLUDING COURTING PARADOXES! I SHALL BRING THIS MESSAGE TO THE WARRIORS WHO SHALL SOON FACE ME, FOR IT IS THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI TO SPREAD WISDOM, AND--"
As he prevaricated, the door to his suite opened, and a bellboy pushed a cart into the room. On top of the cart was a sake jug in a pitcher of ice.
"--THE EISENHOWER EXPRESS--AH! GREETINGS, HUMBLE SERVANT, AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SPEEDY DELIVERY OF SAKE TO ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! WHILE I DO NOT HAVE ANY NEED FOR ADDITIONAL REFRESHMENT AT THIS TIME (AND, ODDLY, THAT I HAVE NOT ORDERED A NY SUCH THING FROM THE KITCHENS OF THIS PLACE, BUT SOME FAN OF MY LEGENDARY MIGHT HAS OBVIOUSLY SENT ME A TOKEN OF HIS OR, MORE LIKELY, HER ESTEEM, SO I SHALL NOT DWELL ON IT FURTHER), YOU HAVE EARNED THE INESTIMABLY VALUABLE GRATITUDE OF MY LEGENDARY SEL F BY--"
"S H U T U P !!!"
The bellboy tore away his uniform, revealing Genjuro. He pulled his sword from underneath the cart and leapt at Haohmaru.
"YOU! You wussy loser, I cannot believe that you have survived this long despite the fact that your loserdom is such that anyone and anything who should hope to defeat you in any kind of fight that even if they had their hands tied behind their back and their back tied behind their ass and their feet bound like they do in China they would be able to beat your nonlegendary self like a rented mule but somehow they haven't so I have come to cut down your wussy loser self before you can enter the ring and ma ke the audience cry out, 'Look, there is Haohmaru, the wussy loser' and all the children will cry and all the women watching will close their eyes and pray that you will go away and all the fighters will laugh and now before you do such a thing I will cut you from crotch to sternum like a freshly caught rainbow trout--"
"GENJURO! MY NONLEGENDARY ADVERSARY, IT IS GOOD THAT YOU HAVE RETURNED TO FACE ME, THAT IS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU, FOR TRULY, I HAD HOPED THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO FIND SOME KIND OF BRIEF WORKOUT BEFORE I ENTERED THE RING EN ROUTE TO MY SECOND CHAMPIONS HIP, AND YOU, BEING A NONLEGEND, MORE THAN FIT THE BILL, EVEN THOUGH YOUR NONLEGENDARY SELF WILL, OF COURSE, IN THE WORDS OF MORE THAN ONE OF YOUR FORMER OPPONENTS, 'CRY LIKE A BABY GIRL' BEFORE I AM DONE SHOWING YOU MY LEGENDARY SKILL WITH THE KATANA--"
Quietly, before their duel moved into the hallway, everyone else on the 77th floor of the hotel evacuated. The security forces decided to slowly herd the two feuding samurai towards the ready room.
In other words, it was business as usual.
The Ring
Dudley watched Kasumi plummet through the dimensional field. He felt very pleased with himself for exactly one second.
That was all the time he had before Heavy D! slammed a D! Magnum into the back of his head. The sound of the impact echoed throughout the RumbleDome like gunfire. Several of the people in the front row, still a little spooked by Birdie's ricochets, hit the floor and covered their heads.
Dudley toppled over the "ropes" and fell into Twisted Metal 3. As he stood up, he noticed a parked sports car nearby. Its driver was nearby, trying to look at every direction at once as he looted a bombed-out electronics store.
His surprise was total when Dudley climbed into Spectre and drove away.
Back in the ring, Guy ducked under a backhand slash and swept Bishamon's feet out from underneath him. "You don't seem quite the same, Bish."
Bishamon didn't answer. The moment he was on his feet, he jumped at Guy, knocking the Street Fighter prone and keeping him on the ground.
As they rolled around on the mat, Bishamon trying to drive his sword into Guy's throat, neither of them noticed the Silver Samurai's sword igniting. Slowly, the Samurai began to chip away at the iceberg on top of him.
Iori Yagami, nearby, noticed the flaming sword, even if no one else did. He leapt over Hornet's charge and dashed towards the Samurai, hoping for another token of power.
As he ran, Yuri's leg swung out and slammed into his face. Iori's legs kept going while his head stayed where it was, knocking him on his back.
"Hi, Iori!" Yuri said cheerfully. "Why don't you and I talk for a while? We can catch up on old times, I could break a few of your bones..."
"What did I ever do to you, Sakazaki?" Iori asked, wiping blood from his mouth.
"Oh, I just don't like you very much. It's kind of irrational. Raikohken!"
Iori rolled backwards as Yuri's fists scorched the mat where he'd been lying. He prepared to hit the girl with a Deadly Flower combination, but Ryu was suddenly standing there.
Ryu looked to Yuri. "Is this toaster bothering you, Sakura?"
Yuri blinked. "I'm not..." Then she slowly smiled. "Why, yes, Ryu, this toaster is bothering me quite a lot. Could you do something about it, please?"
"Certainly."
"I will kill you for this, Sakazaki," Iori said.
"Promises, promises. Have fun, Iori!" Yuri ran off.
"Defend yourself," Ryu said to Iori. "Show me your fighting skill."
Iori spat and stiffened his hands into claws. "Why don't I show you your entrails instead?" He dashed forward, clawing at Ryu's chest.
Amakusa's Room, RumbleDome Hotel
"Thank you for coming, Lady Taria," Amakusa said.
"Do not bore me with etiquette, Amakusa. I haven't the patience," Taria replied, idly studying his grimoires. "Why have you sent for me?"
"You are reputedly a sorceress. I require the aid of such." Amakusa levitated a glass of sake over to him and sipped at it delicately. "There are others here, but none quite share my... point of view, so to speak. Your reputation precedes you. I believe you and I can work together."
"Tell me more."
Amakusa smiled. It was a sickly, leprous thing. "I am at work focusing the abilities of a man named Iori Yagami. He taps into the elemental force of flame to power his fighting skills--if you can seriously call them that--and I theorized that others who use similar abilities may tap into similar forces. My theory was evidently correct."
"I saw the spell in the ring. It's a nice bit of work, if a bit unfocused. I trust you intend to change that?" Taria suddenly became all business. She sat down, keeping a hand on her sheathed sword and dagger.
"The lack of focus is due to a lack of power. Currently, only one additional essence is contained within the spell, that of a practitioner of drunken monkey kung fu... which, now to think of it, would explain a great deal about how Yagami has been acting . But I digress. The more essences we collect, Lady Taria, the greater the spell will become, until the youth's power is great enough to shake worlds."
"Excellent." Taria's smile matched Amakusa's for sheer venom. "And then you steal it. It's a nice trick, I suppose."
"And then we steal it." Amakusa unrolled a scroll to illustrate his point, pointing to an arcane diagram and handing it to Taria. "The only way the power can be transferred, according to several studies I've undertaken, is if the very fabric of Y agami's body is in danger of being subverted by his newfound power. When that occurs, I mean to rip it from him. Yagami will be left a burnt husk, of course, but I do not intend to meet a similar fate. However," and here Amakusa leaned forward intently, " what one magus cannot accomplish alone, two may do with ease. There will be more than enough power in Yagami's pattern to make us both more powerful than... well, not more powerful than we've ever dreamed, of course. We are wizards. We have lofty dreams. However, such power is more than enough to assist us towards our goals. It is a step, no more, but an important one."
"Why me, then?"
"Because, my dear, you lack troublesome ethics. As well, you are from another dimension in another part of time. Once we leave this place, we will never see each other again, if we wish it so. There will be no question of opposition between us."
"That is not enough, fop. Do you believe you can control me, as well?"
"I believe, wench, that I am more than capable of countering you should you think of betraying me. You are a stripling with unhoned talent. I am the Heavenly Child of Shimbara. You may gain a great deal from me, or you may die at my hand. Either is to my liking."
"You're honest. I like that." Taria stuck out her hand. "I am with you, Amakusa. For now, of course."
"Of course." Amakusa didn't bother to shake it. Taria put it back down, rather lamely. "Now, to work. Yagami is currently preparing to be eliminated; more of his new essence's drunken recklessness at work, I wager. Assist me with a spell, if you would."
"Certainly." Her tone was wry.
The Ring
Ryu parried away Iori's gouges and thrust both hands into his stomach, releasing a Hadoken at point-blank range.
Iori reeled from the impact, but it was not enough to knock him out. He could feel unconsciousness, though, clouding the edges of his vision. Quickly, before Ryu could recover from his fireball, he struck with the Maiden Masher, hoping to put the Shotoka n fighter out before Ryu did the same to him.
He hoped in vain.
"Shoryuken!"
Iori fell out of the ring... and reappeared in the RumbleDome's retreival offices.
"JOHN!" Birdman yelled.
"Relax, Birdboy. There's nothing wrong."
"Yagami didn't go into another node. He went into this one. Demitri did that. You're supposed to keep people from doing that."
"Nah. I already checked it. Y'see, Birdie, while it's a little suspicious, the dimensional field is set to be almost totally random. It's only natural that once in a great while, somebody's gonna reappear in our node."
"So there's nothing wrong?"
"Gabe and I will check into it, but I don't think anything's wrong. Have a drink or something."
"Good." Birdman sat back. Wanderer, looking at him out of the corner of his eye, decided not to mention that he'd broken his clipboard in half.
Retrieval Offices, RumbleDome
Iori smashed a monitor. It was bad enough that he'd been eliminated, but eliminated by a drug-crazed--
Yagami.
Iori stopped. Wizard. Is this your work?
A simple bit of altered luck, no more. Proceed to my quarters. We have business to discuss.
I'll be there as soon as I can. I have a pair of women to speak to first.
As you wish. Amakusa broke mental contact.
The Ring
Yuri, feeling pretty good about herself after watching Iori get eliminated, jogged towards Guy. She remembered him as being a pretty nice guy, so she thought she'd land a few slaps on Bishamon for the hell of it.
Captain America grabbed her arm. "Excuse me, Miss..."
Yuri jerked her arm out of his grasp. "That's a nice suit. I had a birthday cake once that looked just like that."
"Ignoring my tailor for the moment, I wanted to talk to you about the Gem you're holding." Cap looked her straight in the eyes. "What did King tell you about me?"
Yuri shrugged. "She doesn't want you to get the Gems because you'll get rid of them. This guy from our node is holding her brother hostage, and he'll kill him unless he gets all six Gems." Briefly, she wondered if she had been supposed to keep that secre t.
Cap was silent for a moment. "All right. That changes our plans, then."
"'Our' plans?"
"King's a friend of yours, right?"
"Yeah, one of the best."
"Then we're on the same side. I want the Gems dealt with, but I'm not going to do so at the cost of an innocent life."
Yuri nodded. "Damn right you won't."
Cap smiled grimly. "I have a few questions, if you don't mind."
"Shoot."
As they spoke, Guy and Bishamon circled around each other, poking with quick jabs and kicks, each seeing what about the other had changed. Suddenly, Bishamon hooked one of Guy's legs out with the blunt side of his sword, and Guy fell on his back.
"Wow... deja vu," Guy muttered. Bishamon leaped into the air with his sword pointed downwards, preparing a finishing blow. Guy rolled to the side as Bishamon put a six-foot rent in the canvas, getting on his feet in the same motion. "
"Bishamon, seriously, let's talk here. Either you're as stoned as Ryu is, or you aren't the same person."
"What makes you say that?" Bishamon went for Guy's neck. Guy ducked.
"You're nowhere near as talkative. I haven't heard you threaten your equipment once today."
"We've turned over a new leaf!" the sword protested.
"Yeah! We're totally focused on our new goal!"
"And that is?" Guy asked. He blocked one of the blue flames.
"Tormenting the living--" the armor's sentence trailed off into an embarrassed silence.
"Oh, good one," one flame said, returning to its perch.
"We're never telling you a secret again," the other flame added.
"C'mon, guys, it could've happened to anyone..."
Guy nodded. "I knew it. What did you do with the old Bishamon?"
"He's in one of the skyboxes. He retired. We didn't want to give up the bloodshed thing, though."
"That's good. Sing like a canary, metal face," the sword grumbled.
Guy considered this. "Thanks for the honesty. That makes this much easier."
"What?"
"This." Guy grabbed Bishamon up in a somersault backbreaker, slamming him into the mat. There was a sudden groan of metal fatigue; the armor cried out in pain.
As Guy flipped away from Bishamon's prone body, a sword bit into his back. He cried out in pain and stumbled back towards Bishamon. The Silver Samurai, dripping wet and angry, kept attacking, slashing at Guy's legs and arms, trying to immobilize him bef ore he could counterattack.
It didn't work out very well. Without looking, Guy sprang up in a blind Rising Spin Kick, catching the Samurai just under the chin. The Samurai, hit three times, staggered back and tripped over the "ropes".
With a crash, the Samurai landed in Smash TV. He managed to get through six waves of cloned warriors before they brought him down with sheer numbers.
Back in the ring, Guy turned to find Bishamon back on his feet. Gravely, the two of them saluted each other once more, and attacked.
BONUS SLAUGHTERS... um... MATCHUPS:
JUGGERNAUT (XM) crushes ASMODEUS (M:tDA)
56 to 9, with 5 abstentions.
MATRIX, WULF, and MUSASHI (TK) stomp the living crap out of PAGAN, TAK, and CY-5 (WG)
47 to 6, with 17 abstentions, DKOs, double fatalities, and requests that "Rancid kill both teams in a [sic] Ore induced rage!!!".
ELIMINATIONS: Bish, Guy, Ryu: 2. Yuri, Cap, D!, Hornet, King, Dudley, Kasumi: 1.
CURRENT ELIMINATIONS LEADERS: King 7, Captain America 6, Ryu 5, Chun Li 5, Heavy D! 4, Bishamon 2.
CURRENT ELIMINATIONS LEADERS (LIFETIME, ALL UVRs): Haohmaru 35, Guy 19, Chun Li 18, Ryu 13, King 13, Morrigan 12.
ANY TIME, ANYWHERE, MONKEY BOY: "62. HORNET (FM) DIE (A fighting car...so help me, if you guys have any 'Pocket Monsters' as mystery fighters... I WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER THERE AND OPEN A CAN OF WHOOPASS ON YOUR FACES!!!!!)"
DAMN THE MAN: "TIME KILLERS ARE NOT LAME! THE SYSTEM IS! Time Killers in a rout!"
WHAT THE HELL?: In his first UVR appearance, Captain America is currently our longest-running survivor. This isn't particularly interesting... other than that he's a Marvel character. Isn't there a law against this?
Thanks go out to AoD and OgOpOgO-, for beta reading.
See you next Section, and happy holidays.
The Hardcore (fanfic) Legend:
Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde
The Guy Who Really Does Exist:
Christopher "Birdman" Bird
The Guy We're Not Sure Exists:
Isaac "Mimic" Sher
The Guy Who Exists A Little Too Much:
Scott "Silverbolt" Archer
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http://www.slack.net/~arctic/rumble.html]