UVR2: THE DESTRUCTION CONTINUES ------------------------------- SECTION ONE ----------- The arena had fallen quiet. Howard Finkel, ported in from the old WWF WrestleFest node, was announcing the usual two-minutes-of-rules speech he had perfected years ago. However, something was still missing. The Fink had not forgotten it. "Now, you may have remembered the acid pool used at last year's Ultimate Video Rumble! Well, due to technical difficulties-" (Up in the control tower, Birdman mumbled "Like Shao Kahn...") "-a NEW elimination array has been added! Now, whenever a fighter is eliminated, he or she will be instantly transported to a randomly selected node, where they will be given fifteen seconds to survive! Should they manage that, they will be returned to the Elminated Section! If they fail, they will be humiliated in front of thousands as they die gruesomely before your very eyes!" Suddenly, a white field began flickering around the ring. The Fink nodded. "As you know, once they go over these electrical field "ropes", they're gone! So, without further ado, let us now introduce the fighter who drew NUMBER ONE!" The crowd hushed even further. The silence they left was suddenly broken by a cheerful, bopping theme, almost playful. "SASQUATCH!" (DS2) The roly-poly fighter, fresh from his pre-ring interview, strolled down to the ring, up over the telekinetic gangplank, and into the ring, where he began flicking his fingers in preparation. "And now...the fighter who drew number TWO...." Sasquatch's theme faded, to be replaced by the old theme music used by Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat during the early Eighties. "ANDY BOGARD!" (KOF95) Andy ran down to the ring, preparing himself mentally. The preparations consisted mainly of "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die..." "SPIRAL!" (XM:COTA) Up in the control tower, Birdman turned to Brant. "You know, it may not have been such a good idea to invite the X-Men contigent, Brant. I mean, with their field attacks and super jumps, they could really dominate." Brant shook his head. "The field attacks take way too much time and the super jumps leave them way open. Plus, you'd have to be really stupid to super-jump in THAT ring. It's not big enough..." Brant trailed off as Spiral super-jumped into the air. "Okay, so maybe I was..." He trailed off again as Spiral came down into Andy Bogard's Ishoken and was knocked backwards into Sasquatch's Big Spinning Foot. "Right. I was right." "EYEDOL!" (KI) Birdman turned on his commentary mike. "And that's Eyedol, the super-killer-cyborg with a really big grudge against everybody in the world. You know, I can't help but wonder why he hates everybody so much." Down at ringside, Eyedol was pounding on Andy Bogard. "S-s-s-s-stop m-m-making f-f-f-f-un of m-my s-s-s-stutter! It's a p-p-p-perfectly r-r-reasonable speech p-p-p-problem! I'm t-t-taking cl-cl-classes for it!" Andy didn't respond, dazed as he was. "RALF!" (KOF95) Ralf ran down to the ring as fast as he could, the background music of "In the Navy" playing behind him (yes, he had requested "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" but they didn't have that, now, did they? Of COURSE not. Why would ANYONE make life easy for poor old Ralf? If things didn't shape up soon, he might just go on up to that water tower with that high-powered rifle...). "WAN-FU!" (SS2) Birdman's exceedingly late commentary partner, Big Bear from FFS, had finally arrived. "Sorry. I couldn't quite fit through all the doors..." Birdman nodded. "Well, you're here now. So, what's your opinion on the mighty Wan-Fu?" "Well, Wan-Fu's pillar is, without a doubt, the biggest phallic object I've ever seen. Freud would have a field day with this guy: I mean, the pillar, he wears a skirt and anklets-anklets! I can't believe it- not to mention he's got that wierd ponytail. I may be a bit premature, but I think Wan-Fu has a bit of a Bo Derek obsession. I mean, when she was in "10" and had cornrows." Birdman was just staring at Big Bear. "How do you know all this?" Big Bear pulled a small book out of one huge pocket, and a tiny pair of spectacles with the other. "Oh, ever since the Dream Tournament a while back, I've been catching up on my reading..." "SINDEL!" (MK3) The warrior queen floated imperiously down to ringside, casting gazes right and left. She looked like a praying mantis, ready to take part in a simile. Actually, Sindel's brain had been fried by Shao Kahn, and now she was hard-pressed to add two and two. "KYO KUSANAGI!" (KOF95) Kyo stopped halfway to ringside and stared at his palms for a minute. Suddenly, the strange sparking energy he fought with crackled between his hands. *You cannot resist, Kyo. As all those who touch the Source do, you shall inevitably bend to the ways of evil.* Kyo muttered. "No. I'm not gonna turn. I'll be the first to defeat the temptation of the Source! Then, I'll be able to save my father, and the souls of my ancestors, and...NYAH HAH HAH...I'll be supreme and..." Kyo trailed off as he recognized his words. "Omigod..." "ASAYAMIYA ATHENA!" (KOF95) The perky Chinese heroine skipped down to the ring, almost dancing with glee. "Yee hee hee! I get to fight a whole lot of people again and I love fighting people 'cause I'm one of the good guys and good guys ALWAYS win and..." She checked her watch. "Whoops! I almost forgot to take my governmentally-approved prescription medicine! We can't have that..." She reached into one pocket and pulled out three jars. "Okay...let's see. Three of the green, two of the purple, and four of the orange..." She grabbed all the pills in one hand, and pulled out a bottle of water, with which she downed the lot. "Thank goodness for my loving government! Without these pills, I could lose control of my powerful psychic abilities and why is the pink elephant staring at me, why, why, why? Whoops, time to go kill the toasters..." She jumped into the ring and Phoenix Arrowed Wan-Fu for eight hits in the back. Meanwhile, in the back room, Sie Kensou was groaning in disbelief. "Damn! She took her pills!" Iceman stared at him. "So you can't reach her telepathically?" "Right now, your Xavier couldn't reach HER telepathically..." "PSYLOCKE!" (XM:COTA) The British-minded, Asian-appearing, body-switching, generally deadly female ninja with purple hair super-jumped into the ring, landing neatly on her toes in a crouch, ready for battle. She was suddenly besieged by Ralf. "Oh, wow! Cool! Psylocke! Um, can you autograph this comic for me...?" "SODOM!" (SFA) "Sodom. His mask is his shield, his protection against the dark ravages of the soul. No one can truly hurt him, he thinks, for the mask will forever hide his shame, his degradation, his humiliation at being beaten. But, the mask also hides his joy, his success, his happiness. Is it worth giving up one to avoid the other? Only the ancients can tell us this." Birdman just stared at Big Bear, jaw gaping. "MUSASHI!" (TK) Twin blades extended, the samurai ran down as fast as he could. He knew. The Time of the Samurai was returning. The performances of the Samurai Shodown node, and Bishamon, last year proved it. The scrolls he had bought off of Rancid had been correct, even if they *were* written in red crayon... "CHARLOTTE!" (SS2) Her hair cropped short, Charlotte slowly strode down to the ring. This was it. Her final chance. If she could not win Haohmaru's love by proving herself as his equal, by winning the second Ultimate Video Rumble, then there would be no hope for her, none at all. "SONYA!" (MK3) With ZZ Top's "Legs" roaring in the background, the Marine ran down to ringside. The plan was working. Draw the Outworlders here, then kill them, one by one...for what they had done to Earth. And, of course, the impressive prize didn't hurt either. "AKIRA YUKI!" (VF2) Akira strode down smoothly to the ring. The strange, jerky sensations that had plagued him at last year's Rumble were gone. There was only peace, and gentle smoothness, and the crisp, clean fighting that awaited within the ring. Of course, the moment he entered he got slammed by no less than four projectiles from Sindel, Athena, Andy Bogard, and Kyo Kusanagi. "GALFORD!" (SS2) "Come on, Poppy!" "ARF!" "What's that, Poppy? You say little Timmy is trapped in the gorge?" "ARF!" "Awwww. But we only saved him from the gorge last week! Can't the little guy learn from his mistakes?" "ARF!" "Well, yeah, I guess you have a point there, Poppy. I guess Shakespeare DID say it best..." "ARF!" "But...look, is Timmy in any immediate danger?" "ARF!" Galford smiled. "Well, then! We'll just save him afterwards! Maybe we'll bring Nak along..." His smile grew dreamy. Poppy coughed up a hairball in response. "JANNE!" (WHP) "One of the toughest customers in the World Heroes node, Janne is looking to improve upon her node's poor status from last year. Comments, Big Bear?" "I must admit that I fail to understand why some female fighters fight in such male-oriented styles. Particularly Janne, who fights with a broadsword-a weapon suited to exceedingly strong muscular power, not finesse. Now, a rapier like Charlotte's would allow Janne to capitalize on her speed even more..." Birdman groaned again. "LORD RAPTOR!" (DS2) The ghoul staggered forward. "Oooooh, Haohmaru? Where are you, you most radical purveyor of swordsmanly death? Yer Unca Raptor wants ta...shake hands with ya..." "MUSCLE POWER!" (WHP) "I'm NUMMMMMBAH ONE!" yelled Muscle Power. Brian Battler yelled back from the stands. "NO! *I'm* NUMMMMBAHHHH ONE!" "Oh yeah? Then how come your team was the only one that didn't return to the King of Fighters tourney? Huh? Brian couldn't come up with a response, so he adlibbed. "At least I don't look like Lardass Hogan!" he jeered. The crowd was overwhelmingly on Brian's side all of a sudden. and, the final fighter of this section: "RYO SAKAZAKI!" (KOF95) Ryo strode down to the tune of "School's Out" by Alice Cooper. He had chosen it specifically to irritate his father, the powerful Takuma Sakazaki. Takuma had been harping lately that Ryo "should settle down, and find a nice girl to go out with." Takuma kept pointing out that Robert and Yuri were very very happy. Takuma was putting personal ads in the Southtown Times on Ryo's behalf. The most irritating thing about it all, Ryo reflected, was that his father was actually right for once, Ryo *was* lonely. He just wasn't very good with women, that's all. He never had been. However, Ryo was dauntless in his attempts to get somewhere in his romantic life. Well. Not exactly "dauntless". Maybe "daunted". He noted all this as he noticed the *very*-good-looking Athena Psycho Uppercutting a weary-looking Ralf. He strode over. "Um, Athena, I know we don't know each other well..." He paused to Hohken Wan-Fu, who had been trying to sneak up behind him, "but I was wondering, after the Rumble would you like to maybe, um, go get a coffee or something?" "Oh, sure!" Athena smiled. *YESYESYESYESYES!* Ryo thought. "But let me check with Master Chin, because I don't know if I'm allowed to go out with giant orange winged frogs. That's really the only reason I'm intrigued by you. If you were just another fighter, like, say, that Ryo Sakazaki guy, you'd have no chance...he's just so dull, y'know?" Ryo bowed his head briefly. "On second thought, forget it." He ran off to go take out his frustrations om Kyo Kusanagi. "Okay." She waved. "Bye bye, froggie!" WHO WILL LIVE? WHO WILL DIE? WHICH OF THESE PLOT POINTS WILL BECOME A RUNNING GAG? Brought to you by: Chris "Birdman" Bird Brant "King Of Stuff" Rogers Scott "Still No Nickname, Nor Do I Want One" Johnson Austin "Media Jackal" Loomis =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "You use that word a lot. I don't think it means what you think it does." --Inigo Montoya, _The Princess Bride_ =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= * Enslave humanity. Cthulhu is your friend. * =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=